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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27567778">Listen to Your Heart (A Dragon Age Inquisition Story Book #2)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/theladygriff/pseuds/theladygriff'>theladygriff</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Astri Trevelyan (DAI Story) [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Mages (Dragon Age)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:42:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>79,847</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27567778</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/theladygriff/pseuds/theladygriff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Book #2 in my Inquisition series following Astri Trevelyan. This one follows the events of Inquisition. I recommend reading Book #1 before starting this one.<br/>Astri Trevelyan travelled from the Ostwick Circle to represent the loyalist mages at the Divine's Conclave. The last thing she remembers is walking towards the Temple of Sacred Ashes with her friends, but now she has awoken to a changed world and her duty to herself and to her people is more important than ever. The Inquisition needs her for the mark on her hand, and she needs the Inquisition to save her people. Freedom has never seemed so close, yet so far away.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cullen Rutherford/Female Trevelyan, Female Inquisitor/Cullen Rutherford</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Astri Trevelyan (DAI Story) [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015248</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Headcanon world state is as follows:</p><p>HOF: Aylin Cousland (sword and shield warrior)(female)(romance headcanon Nathaniel Howe as they grew up together)(Alistair and Anora rule)(Loghain alive, recruited)(Morrigan and Loghain completed the ritual)</p><p>Hawke: Arden Hawke (mage)(female)(purple Hawke)(romanced Anders who is still alive and they are together)(sided with the mages)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Pain shoots through my body forcing groans from my mouth as it reaches my frozen extremities. My entire body is ice cold, pressed against something damp and hard. My eyes flutter open, blurred and confused. I try to stand but sway as my balance falters. My boots slip and slide on the grime covered stone beneath me. Mustering all my strength I stand, my body screaming in resistance. I feel as though I have fallen from a great height; every inch of me aching.</p><p>Around me there is darkness, a thick haze settling around me. I blink to clear my vision. Turning, I am blinded by a golden light. I raise a hand to dull it so I might make out the figure standing within it. Humanoid, but misshapen. A woman. Fear prickles my skin, my feet pulling me towards it. My heart races, my mind begging me to hide, to get away. However, it is as though there is an invisible force beckoning me to the figure.</p><p>My foot touches a step and I stumble having not seen the staircase of rugged stone before me. Fear rises in my chest and I hasten myself upward. I am less than halfway when the scurrying feet of creatures approaches from the shadows. I turn to see demons in the form of giant spiders as they begin to ascend the stairs behind me.</p><p>Panic pushes me forwards as fast as my weak legs will carry me. I am almost at the glowing figure when my feet give way and I land heavily onto a step, the edge piercing my rib. I let out a cry of pain, glancing behind me to see the demons nearing.</p><p>You must keep going! A voice inside my head calls to me. I am unsure who's voice it is, but I obey.</p><p>I scurry upwards, the pain in my ribs excruciating. The glowing figure reaches down to me and I raise my hand in a desperate attempt to meet theirs.</p><p>Then there is only darkness.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. A Prisoner in the Darkness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A scream echoes through my mind, rattling my body and consuming me like a wave of despair. My eyes are open, but I cannot see. There is nothing but darkness. I can hear my own whimpers as I try to blink it all away. This is not how nightmares work. I should be awake now.</p><p>The air is cold and damp, and for a moment I wonder if I am still in that horrible place from my dreams. As a mage I completed my Harrowing back in the Circle and I had faced demons in the Fade then, but they had not been as real as those spiders had. They were terrifying, of course, but not in the way these were.</p><p>My eyes try to focus on the space around me and I deduct that I am in a prison cell of some kind. There is a single sconce on the wall opposite me that details the iron bars that enclose me.</p><p>I groan and try to seat myself upright, but my head begins to spin, and I struggle to understand what is up or down.</p><p>There are footsteps beyond the door where the sconce is, and then there is a sudden light around me as that door opens wide. A figure strides into the room, clad in armour, their face hidden by a helmet. As the figure approaches my cell, two others take places on either side of the door as though guarding it.</p><p>My eyes strain through the sudden light to make out the details of the person who comes to my cell. As they take a knee on the other side of the bars, I begin to wonder where I am and what I did to end up here. My memories are fragmented, scattered about my mind with none of them making sense.</p><p>"My lady, it's good to see you're awake."</p><p>I blink at the man, my mind searching for his name. "I know you, don't I?"</p><p>He gives a small laugh and removes his helmet, revealing a mess of brown wavy hair, a long rectangular face and tattoos that run the length of his nose and chin. "You do, my lady. Knight-Captain Rylen, you remember?"</p><p>There is a sharp pang in my head that makes me yelp. I bury my face in my hands as a flash of memories plays across my mind. The Circle, First Enchanter Lydia at her desk, Gabriel and I on the balcony, the ship, the journey across Ferelden. The Conclave.</p><p>My head snaps up and my eyes meet Rylen's. "What happened? Why am I here? Where are Nani and Landen?"</p><p>Rylen's expression turns from concerned to sympathetic. "I cannot speak on it, not yet. Lady Cassandra wants to see you. I merely came to see how you were doing. I asked one of the guards to find me when you awoke. I shouldn't even be here."</p><p>Panic fills me and I press myself against the bars. "Rylen, please. I don't understand." I reach for him and that is when I see it for the first time.</p><p>My left hand is extended towards Rylen, but it is not a hand that I am familiar with. It looks like mine, but it is laced with a green light that startles me. It crackles and sparks. I shuffle backwards across my cell until my back hits the stone wall, as though I might be able to somehow get away from my own limb.</p><p>"What is that?!" I cry out, my emotions somewhere between sheer panic and despair. I cover my mouth with my right hand to fight back a shriek, tears streaming down my face.</p><p>Rylen shifts closer to the cell, his voice low. "You don't know what that is?"</p><p>I shake my head frantically. "No! I don't understand! What happened?"</p><p>"And we should believe that?" The sudden voice in the doorway startles both of us and Rylen scrambles to his feet.</p><p>"Lady Cassandra, Lady Nightingale." He bows twice, once for each woman that stands before him. "I came to check on the prisoner."</p><p>The woman with the heavy Nevarran accent, dark features, and short black hair frowns at him, but does not scold him. "Knight-Captain. You have done enough for now. We will take it from here."</p><p>"The Commander should be told of this," the other woman says, her voice sharp and drawn out. The accent is distinctively Orlesian.</p><p>Rylen nods and bows again. "Of course." He turns to me for a moment and offers a warm smile. Then he replaces his helmet and strides from the room.</p><p>The dark featured woman signals to one of the guards. "Chain her."</p><p>The guard unlocks my cell and comes to me with slight hesitance. They bind my wrists with rope first, then a layer of chain. While they wind the chain, I find myself staring down at the green glow of my hand.</p><p>My mind wanders to what I can remember of what came before this. First Enchanter Lydia had told me I was to travel to the Conclave to represent her and the Ostwick Circle. And so, I made the journey with a group of templars and mages, led by the Knight-Captain of the Circle, and my former lover, Gabriel Loredan. When we arrived in Haven we were met by Knight-Captain Rylen who was overseeing all of those who had arrived for the Conclave. I remember the letter Rylen showed Gabriel and I telling of the fall of our Circle and the death of the First Enchanter. Gabriel had left with his men. But my fellow mage and friend Nani, and the templar Landen, had remained to support me.</p><p>Even now, in the darkness I can see their faces. Nani's tears upon learning that our home was in ruin. Her fear for her mother whom she had no way of knowing was alive or not. The way Landen held her in his arms, the confirmation of their growing feelings for each other that I had helped to blossom as we rode across Ferelden.</p><p>My tears flow again as I am dragged from my cell and abandoned in the centre of the room, kneeling before my unknown captors.</p><p>"You claim to have no knowledge of your mark, nor any understanding of what happened on that mountain. Is that correct?" The dark-haired woman's tone is ice cold, her eyes piercing into me like a thousand knives.</p><p>I try to find my words through my tears, my lips quivering uncontrollably. "I-I-I don't know what it is...nor how it got there."</p><p>The woman sneers and lunges for me, her strong hands digging into my shoulders as she holds my eyes on hers. "You're lying!"</p><p>The Orlesian woman steps forward, pulling her companion away. "We need her Cassandra."</p><p>Cassandra releases me and turns away in a huff.</p><p>The other woman steps closer, her features coming into view. She wears a hood, red hair barely visible beneath it. Sharp features that match her accent are coloured with a paleness that borders on frightful. But there is a warmth in her eyes, despite the narrowness of her brow as she scrutinizes me.</p><p>"What do you remember?"</p><p>I close my eyes a moment to try and gather myself. My tears have ceased, but my entire body continues to tremble from a mixture of fear and the cold.</p><p>"I remember Haven, the first day of the Conclave. The Divine gave a speech. Then we received a letter about the Ostwick Circle..." My voice breaks and I fumble to continue. "I chose to stay, to be a voice for my fellow mages. But the templars who came with me left. I remember waking, then my friends who chose to remain with me walked with me up the mountain." I pause, frowning hard to try and force my memories to return. "And then nothing."</p><p>The women exchange glances.</p><p>"Nothing at all?"</p><p>I sigh, frustration beginning to rise within me. "There was a dream, but I often dream such things ever since my Harrowing."</p><p>They both step closer to me.</p><p>"What was this dream about?" Cassandra pushes, her frown deepening once again.</p><p>I meet her eyes as steadily as I can. "There were these things chasing me. Demons, I think. I ran and a woman reached out to me. Then it went black."</p><p>"A woman?" the hooded woman kneels in front of me. "Do you know who she was?"</p><p>I shake my head. "No, I couldn't see her face. I don't know who she was. Or if she was human. But she looked human. At least in shape."</p><p>The hooded woman considers what I said, then rises to her feet. "Her story matches Rylen's and our soldiers' reports."</p><p>Cassandra continues to eye me with narrow eyes, but she nods once. "It would seem so." She sighs. "Go to the forward camp, Leliana. I will bring the prisoner."</p><p>The hooded woman, Leliana, nods curtly. "Very well." Then with one last glance in my direction, she disappears out the door.</p><p>My eyes lock onto Cassandra, pleading to her. "Please, I need to know what happened."</p><p>Cassandra comes to me then, kneeling in front of me she begins to unlock the chains that hold my wrists. "It...will be easier if I show you."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Inquisition</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sounds of distant conversation and the clanging of metal wakens me. I stir, my entire body aching. I try to move but my muscles feel locked in place. I open my eyes ever so slightly, blinded by the brightness of the room around me.</p><p>Above me I can see the wooden ceiling of a building. I frown at it and groan as my arm releases enough for me to raise my hand and rub my blurry eyes.</p><p>The last thing I remember is the Breach. I stood beneath it; hand extended to the sky. Did I close it? Are we safe now?</p><p>A door creaks open and a small elvhen girl strides inside holding a small crate. She sees my eyes on her and panics, dropping the crate heavily onto the floor.</p><p>"Forgive me, my lady!" She cries, eyes cast downward. "I did not know you had wakened!"</p><p>Pushing myself upwards, I seat myself on the edge of the bed. My head spins and my vision doubles. "Where am I?"</p><p>"In Haven, my lady," she replies, voice low and shaking. "You have been unconscious for three days."</p><p>"Three days?" I peer around the room. I do not know this place. It is a small wooden hut, decorated with the basics a house might need. "What about the Breach? What happened?"</p><p>"They say the Breach is stable, and so is your mark." She meets my gaze for the smallest of moments before lowering her eyes again. "The hole is still in the sky, but we are safe for now."</p><p>A long sigh of relief escapes my lips. "Thank the Maker."</p><p>The elf rises to her feet. "Lady Cassandra ordered me to tell her when you wakened. At once, she said."</p><p>I push to my feet, my legs like water. "Where is she?"</p><p>"In the Chantry, with the Chancellor."</p><p>I nod. "I will go to her then. Thank you."</p><p>The elf vanishes without a moment's hesitation. I do not know why she was so frightened of me, though I suppose it is likely because I am a mage. Even after all I have sacrificed and all I have done; they still see me as the enemy.</p><p>Something in the corner of the room catches my attention. At the end of the bed is a trunk. But it is not just any trunk. It is my trunk. The one I brought with me from the Circle. I rub my eyes several times as though it might be an apparition, but when it does not vanish a wide smile breaks across my face and I rush to it, pulling it open.</p><p>Inside are my things. My robes, the letter from my family, and the coin purse still holding all the money I had brought with me. My hand digs around to the bottom where I find my books. A sappy romance novel and the other on magical forms.</p><p>Tears threaten in the corners of my eyes. I cannot believe that someone found them and had the mind to keep them.</p><p>A small note falls from one of the books, one that I have not seen before. I open it curiously to find handwriting that I do not recognize.</p><p>Lady Trevelyan;</p><p>I apologize that our conversation in the dungeon was so blunt, but Lady Cassandra had strictly ordered no contact with you. I broke the rules just checking on you and let me just say I do regret that a little. I have been sent away on military matters as a punishment, I am sure, but when I return, we should have a drink and have a proper talk about everything.</p><p>I hope your things are how you remember them and that we collected everything. All the belongings of those who perished were gathered to be returned to families. I figured you would want them back.</p><p>I am glad that at least someone made it out of that mess.</p><p>Rylen</p><p>I smile down at the letter. Despite the abruptness of our meeting in the dungeon, I feel a warmth from knowing he cared enough to return my things to me. Since leaving the Circle I have met very few people who see me beyond my magic. Most people judge me for it and instantly I can see the fear in their eyes. I appreciate that there is at least someone in the world who does not think of me as a monster.</p><p>For a moment I can see Nani's face in my mind's eye, then Landen's arms as they hold her tight to his chest, comforting her and loving her. My heart tightens and I swallow against the lump in my throat. I saw the Temple of Sacred Ashes when Cassandra took me to the Breach. I saw those charred and bloodied bodies. I saw the reality that I was the only survivor. I lost my only friend, my best friend, and her love. And those other people, mages, templars, clerics, the Divine. All of them.</p><p>I slide the letter back into the book it fell from and retrieve one of my robes. They are fresh and clean. Rylen must have had them washed.</p><p>I find a small basin on a table across the room and wash myself thoroughly. I do not know how long it has been since I bathed, but the fresh water on my skin feels incredible. Once I am done, I pat myself dry and comb my wet hair for a small eternity, desperately trying to remove all of the knots and tangles. And when I am eventually satisfied, I plait it proudly, tender memories of the past playing across my mind.</p><p>There is no mirror in this small hut, so I resolve myself to head to the chantry without examining myself first. All of Haven has seen me at my worst. I pray that I have at least improved on that even a little.</p><p>Stepping out of the hut I find the sun is high in the sky. When Cassandra escorted me from the chantry in chains the day had been cold, icy winds swirling around my body as we climbed the mountain. But today the sun shines warmly down on the small town. I marvel in the warmth on my skin, thankful to be alive. So much has happened so quickly. It is nice to have this moment of peace.</p><p>I begin on my way towards the chantry. There are not as many people around as there had been the last time I walked this pathway, but the few that I do see stop and stare at me as I pass. Last time it had been fear and hate in their eyes. This time they gawk at me, one or two even smile at me. Somehow these reactions frighten me more than the blatant hate had.</p><p>"That's her!" someone calls from afar. "It's the Herald of Andraste!"</p><p>I try to find the source but see only a few scattered people, all staring back at me. I avert my gaze, focusing on the ground in front of me.</p><p>Herald of Andraste? Do they mean me?</p><p>My feet quicken and I almost trip on the final step leading up towards the chantry. Thankfully, I catch myself, but with so many eyes still on me I feel my cheeks redden with embarrassment and nearly sprint the rest of the way. I duck through the open doors and into the main hall of the chantry, breathing heavily, my heart racing.</p><p>I can hear voices from the other end of the hall and decide to investigate. As I near the room at the far end they grow louder, and it becomes clear that there is an argument in full swing.</p><p>The door at the end of the hall swings open and Chancellor Roderick, a chantry cleric I met on the mountain on my way to the Breach, comes barging out, his aging face bright red with rage. The moment he sees me he sneers.</p><p>He turns to the templars by the door. "Chain her! I want her sent to the capitol for trial!"</p><p>Cassandra and Leliana appear behind him, both as frustrated as the other.</p><p>"Disregard that. Chancellor Roderick, I have made myself clear. We will not be handing the Herald over to you."</p><p>Roderick growls at Cassandra. "You walk a dangerous line, Seeker! I will return to Val Royeaux and tell the clerics of this nonsense. An Inquisition? Are you mad?"</p><p>Cassandra steps towards him, eyes narrowed threateningly. "Go. Tell the clerics what I have said. We will not be bullied into submission. We will find who did this and end them. We will seal the Breach and restore peace, with or without the chantry's help."</p><p>Roderick snorts and backs away. "I have had enough of this nonsense. Good day." With one final sneer in my direction, he storms off down the hall and out into Haven.</p><p>Cassandra groans and shakes her head. "What a pain."</p><p>Leliana laughs softly. "You handled him well."</p><p>They both notice me then.</p><p>"You look well rested," Leliana says with a smile. "Adan and Solas took good care of you, I am told. You will have to thank them for it."</p><p>I nod. "I feel much better."</p><p>"How is your mark?"</p><p>I glance down at my left hand. "Better, I think."</p><p>"Solas says it is stable," Cassandra says, her rage dissipating slowly. "It did not close the Breach, but it has bought us time we desperately needed."</p><p>Leliana sighs. "What Cassandra means is you risked your life to help us. We are thankful for it."</p><p>I smile softly. "A giant hole in the sky isn't something I could ignore. It affects everyone. I did what I had to."</p><p>While both Cassandra and Leliana had been highly suspicious of me, they stood up for me on the mountain as we fought our way to the Breach. They protected me and when we heard the Divine's voice coming from the Breach, they clearly began to question my guilt. While they still frighten me, it is a relief to see even a hint of kindness in their eyes.</p><p>"Leliana is right," Cassandra says, her tone softening. "You did not hesitate. We are grateful." She turns and signals for me to follow her. She leads us into the room where they had come from. It is a small room with chantry tapestries on the walls and a giant table in the centre. On the table is an incredibly detailed map of Thedas, littered with what look like small iron chess pieces, though they are decorated with various symbols.</p><p>"You should know what has happened since you stabilized the Breach," Cassandra continues. She retrieves a book from the table and holds it up to me. "This is a writ from the Divine. It grants us the authority to act. As the Divine's Right and Left Hands, Leliana and I have the ability to invoke certain powers in her name. Have you heard of the Inquisition of Old?"</p><p>I nod slowly. "Yes, but only very little from my studies."</p><p>"The original Inquisition predated the Chantry," Leliana explains. "And when it's duties were fulfilled; it disbanded and formed the Templar Order."</p><p>"But the templars have lost their way." Cassandra places the book heavily onto the table once again. "The Inquisition is needed once more. We are needed." She meets my eyes, determination burning within her. "Your mark is our only chance of solving all of this."</p><p>My eyes move to the book before me. The symbol on the cover catches my particular attention. My eyes follow the curves and lines of it, my mind absorbing all that Cassandra and Leliana have told me.</p><p>An Inquisition? And they want me to stay with them. My mark is the key to the Breach. They need me.</p><p>"Do you truly wish to restore peace?"</p><p>Cassandra nods. "This war harms everyone. But our priority must be the Breach. Once that is dealt with, we will do all we can to mend the rest."</p><p>I wonder for a moment what Cassandra's thoughts on free mages might be. As a former Seeker of Truth, I can only imagine she would oppose such a thing. But I had stayed at the Conclave after hearing about the fall of my Circle in order to stand up for my people and to fight for a brighter future. The Conclave failed, but it bore this Inquisition. If I am to help my people, I believe this is where I need to be.</p><p>"I have no home," I say, my emotions welling inside of me. "I have nothing left. Therefore, I have nothing to lose." I meet Cassandra's eyes once again. "I will do whatever I can to fix this. Whatever the cost."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. A New Purpose</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Several days pass and I begin to become acquainted with Haven. I take time to explore the town and then the immediate area beyond the walls. It is only a small town, but I am thrilled to discover that elfroot and several other herbs grow in abundance despite the consistent snowfall.</p><p>On the first day I introduce myself to the alchemist, Adan. He sends me to retrieve some notes from an old hut a short way into the hills outside of Haven that he says will be vital for his alchemy. I took the time to explore and to gather herbs. When I return with both the notes and some supplies, Adan is more than happy to let me assist him with potions. Alchemy was one of my favourite subjects in the Circle. Using my skills for the benefit of the Inquisition is invigorating. I have never felt so purposeful.</p><p>On the second day I spend most of the day with Solas. After he and I discussed combat magic over breakfast, he offers to show me some spells that might aid me. We spend much of the day practicing and, much to my delight, he makes several comments on my uncanny talent for it.</p><p>"Have you always been such a fast learner, Herald?" He asks, his narrow face twisted upwards in an impressed smile.</p><p>"First Enchanter Lydia told me I was on the path to becoming one of the youngest Enchanters in the Circle's history," I reply with a shy smile. "Magic has always come easily to me."</p><p>He chuckles and nods. "I can see that. I am impressed. It is quite fascinating. You are human, yet you have magical prowess of a well learned elvhen mage."</p><p>Hearing such open praise from someone as powerful as Solas gives me a huge confidence boost. I smile brightly all the way to the tavern for dinner with Varric.</p><p>"You look pretty pleased with yourself, Goldie," Varric says when I sit down at the table across from him. When I tell him of Solas' compliments he offers me a warm smile. "You see? I told you that you will be fine. You worry too much."</p><p>He was right. With my pride in helping make potions with Adan and my new combat skills, I go to bed that night feeling hopeful for the future. I have kept my promise to myself to improve, to become a better, stronger person.</p><p>On the third day I awake to the usual bustle outside. With the sunrise Haven comes to life, more so as the days go on as more people arrive to join the Inquisition or to offer aid. Diplomats, nobility, commoners, soldiers. There is no end to them, nor a limit to the variety. Every day there are countless new faces and the campgrounds outside the town wall begin to expand.</p><p>I bathe and dress myself as I have done each morning, preparing to spend another day practicing my magic. Solas mentioned yesterday something about lightning spells. Lightning has always been my weakness, so I look forward to today's lesson with a little reservation.</p><p>But I do not get the chance to think on it much as a messenger arrives with a summons from Cassandra, requesting that I come to the chantry for a meeting.</p><p>I thank the messenger and gather my satchel. As I make my way towards the chantry, I feel a pang of nervousness in my stomach in the form of small knots. Potions and gathering herbs are the kind of work that I find suits me. This whole Herald of Andraste business terrifies me. All of these people who continue to gawk at me when I pass somehow believe that Andraste sent me to save them. None of that makes any sense to me. I am not divine.</p><p>Entering the chantry, I find that it has been tidied up since the last time I was here. The chantry symbols on the walls have now been replaced with Inquisition tapestries. Seeing the symbol on the walls and now worn by all the soldiers and guards is quite unnerving, but also inspiring.</p><p>A mumble of voices comes from the war room and I hesitate at the door. I can hear Cassandra now and then, Leliana speaks one sentence only. But there are voices I do not recognize. I steady myself, preparing for my first proper meeting as part of the Inquisition.</p><p>Opening the door, I step into the room with as much courage as I can muster. All eyes turn to me as I take a place at the war table. To my right is a woman I have not seen before. Her skin is many shades darker than mine, her hair so dark that I cannot tell if it is brown or black. She wears regal gold and purple clothes, adorned with jewels of every colour. Even her hair is done up elegantly in braids that form a bun. Her dark eyes sparkle over at me and she offers me one of the prettiest smiles I have ever seen.</p><p>Opposite me stands a man in armour, light blonde hair combed neatly atop his handsome head. His golden eyes are on me, his lips pulled together tightly. There is a scar that leads from his top lip to his right cheek. Despite it, he has striking features, albeit a rather intense gaze. I stiffen under the intensity of it. His hand resting on the hilt of his sword does little to comfort me.</p><p>Leliana is to the man's right and then Cassandra beside me.</p><p>"Adan tells me that you have been busy helping gather herbs and brew potions," Cassandra begins, her expression as unreadable as ever. "You have quite the talent for it, or so I am told."</p><p>I chew my bottom lip a little before nodding. "Yes, I wanted to make myself useful. I studied alchemy in the Circle. It was my favourite subject. I spent more time in the conservatory with the plants than with actual people. I figured I should use my skills for the benefit of others."</p><p>"We appreciate your efforts," Leliana says with a warm smile. "We do not yet have proper suppliers for herbs, so any you can gather from the surrounding areas are incredibly valuable."</p><p>I return her smile shyly. "Then I shall make it my duty."</p><p>Cassandra glances over at each of the faces in the room. "Herald, I should introduce you to our other advisors." She gestures to the woman on my right. "This is Lady Josephine Montiliyet. She is our ambassador and chief diplomat."</p><p>Josephine bows elegantly. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Lady Trevelyan. Herald." Her Antivan accent is so thick that it is almost tangible. Her tongue rolls as she speaks.</p><p>"The pleasure is mine, Lady Montiliyet," I say, opting to nod rather than bow as I am certain my clumsiness would only make a fool of me.</p><p>Cassandra turns to the man across from us. "And this is Commander Cullen Rutherford, he is the leader of the Inquisition forces and the former Knight-Commander in Kirkwall."</p><p>The man bows politely, the smallest of smiles on his lips. But all I can think about is his former title that Cassandra just mentioned.</p><p>"A templar." The words flow from my mouth before I can stop them. Immediately I snap my mouth shut.</p><p>Cullen clears his throat, shifting a little from one foot to the other. "Former templar," he says, his voice rough but dignified. "That was my former title. I no longer serve the Order."</p><p>I chew the inside of my cheek, eyes fixed on his. He tries to hold my gaze but looks away after a moment. The thought of having a templar, even a former one, as an authority such as this makes me uneasy. What is there to stop him from locking me away? I am here to aid them, but I am not one of them. If he wished it, he could throw me back into a cell to use only when needed for the Breach. After all that happened between Gabriel and I, I am fully aware that even a templar with the best intentions cannot be easily trusted.</p><p>"We lost a lot of soldiers on that mountain." I am plucked from my thoughts mid conversation. Cullen is frowning across at Cassandra. "We do not have the manpower for anything drastic yet."</p><p>"I agree," Cassandra says, leaning against the table. "We do not have the power to close the Breach as it is. We need allies."</p><p>"The rebel mages can offer such power," Leliana continues.</p><p>Cullen shakes his head. "And I still disagree. The templars could serve just as well."</p><p>"We need power, Cullen," Cassandra argues, frowning at him. "Enough power poured into the mark-"</p><p>"Might destroy us all." Cullen cuts her off. "We aren't yet sure what it is we are dealing with. I simply mean that the templars are equally as feasible."</p><p>"Both could make agreeable allies," Leliana agrees, eyes moving between Cassandra and the Commander.</p><p>"And yet both are currently unreachable." Josephine glances down at the map between us. "Neither Redcliffe, nor the Order have replied to our messages. The chantry has denounced us. And the Herald specifically. They have declared us heretics." She offers a sympathetic smile in my direction.</p><p>"Do they still believe that the Breach was my doing?" I ask, the beginnings of frustration building within my chest.</p><p>She sighs, her smile wavering only a little. "It is more than that now, sadly. Your title of Herald of Andraste frightens them."</p><p>I sigh a small laugh. "Because I am a mage. I understand."</p><p>Josephine's eyes are sympathetic.</p><p>"So, if I wasn't with the Inquisition, would they denounce it then?"</p><p>Cullen steps forward slightly. "Let's be honest, they would have censured us no matter what."</p><p>"And you not being here isn't an option," Cassandra continues. "You have become a symbol of hope for the people. You are needed here."</p><p>"Then what of the chantry?" I ask, still confused by the situation. "Could they attack us?"</p><p>"With what?" Cullen appears slightly amused by my question. "They have only words at their disposal."</p><p>"And yet they might bury us with them." Josephine glances about the room. "While people continue to flock to our cause, the chantry is established in the hearts of the people. Ours is still the weaker voice."</p><p>Leliana rounds the table to stand beside me. "There is something you can do." She points to a place on the map in southern Ferelden, just south of Lake Calenhad. "There is a chantry cleric in the Hinterlands known as Mother Giselle who has asked to speak with you. She is familiar with those in the chantry who oppose us and might be of great help to us in the future. Her assistance could be valuable."</p><p>I glance around at Cassandra, Cullen, then Josephine. All of them watch me as I consider what Leliana said. I had not expected to be of use in such a way. And this cleric asked for me specifically. This title of Herald of Andraste may be more important than I had thought.</p><p>"Very well," I say, my stomach knotting. "I will see what she has to say."</p><p>Leliana smiles. "Then it is decided. You will find Mother Giselle helping the refugees that continue to flee from the mage-templar war. Conflict is still abundant in the area, so you will need to be cautious."</p><p>I swallow hard and nod once. I had hoped not to return to those areas ravaged by the war. Seeing what I saw on my journey through Ferelden was horrible enough. But by what Leliana says I will be headed into the heart of it all.</p><p>Cassandra takes one of those iron chess-like pieces and places it on the spot Leliana had pointed to. "Then we ready ourselves. I will tell Varric and Solas. We leave before dawn."</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. An Understanding</h2></a>
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    <p>Cassandra sends me to the forge after the meeting to collect my custom armour. Harritt introduces himself and hands me a small sack.</p><p>"As a mage I figured you wouldn't want anything heavy or restricting," he says as I investigate the contents.</p><p>I reach inside and remove a shiny set of iron bracers, followed by a layered chest piece. Despite their simple materials, they are intricate and adorned by floral patterns. A smile breaks out across my face.</p><p>"Harritt! They are beautiful! I have never had my own armour before." I smile brightly over at him and he blushes mildly.</p><p>"Just doing my job, Herald." He clears his throat. "But I'm glad you like them. I had someone take the rest of it to your hut. You'll find some new robes and boots that will suit this design well."</p><p>I nod and slide my armour back into the sack. "I am incredibly grateful for this, Harritt. I am to depart on my first mission in the morning. I feel a little more prepared for it now."</p><p>On my way from the forge towards the main gate I glance over at the training grounds. Cullen is there with his men, overseeing some of the combat training. His hand remains on the hilt of his sword, eyes narrowed sternly at his men as he calls to them something that I cannot understand from this distance. I wonder if it is a habit of his, leaning on his sword like that.</p><p>I consider continuing on my way, pushing my concerns about the prospect of sharing responsibilities of the Inquisition with a former templar who might have some strong opposing opinions to mine. Cullen made it clear at the meeting earlier that he still holds great value in the Order, and since I am a mage, I can only assume he must think little of me. It would be so easy to keep walking, to distance myself from him and his opinions. But what good would that do? If I cannot have his trust, then perhaps I can have his understanding.</p><p>My legs begin to carry me towards the training yard before I can reconsider. When Cullen's eyes note my approach, I am aware that I am committed to the course and try to prepare myself for whatever might come of this.</p><p>It is obvious from the way he straightens his back and runs a flustered hand through his hair that he is equally as unsure how this encounter might go. Seeing his nervous response, I try to offer a smile that might be considered polite. But my own nerves make it look more forced than I had hoped.</p><p>"Herald," he says curtly. "Is there something you need?"</p><p>I chew on my lip for a moment, eyes on the soldiers as they run through their drills. I have witnessed little in the way of combat. My only example of it was on the mountain the day I supressed the Breach. That had been a horrible day.</p><p>"My lady?"</p><p>I blink and look up at Cullen who is now watching me with concerned eyes. I fumble for something to say that might make my approaching him seem worthwhile. "Your men are working hard. I wake to the sounds of their swordplay most mornings. They are disciplined."</p><p>Cullen shifts and nods. "Yes, well, many are volunteers who barely know how to hold a sword. It has been quite the task to teach them their skills, but they are improving greatly." He glances at me. "I am sorry that they wake you."</p><p>I shake my head, smiling sheepishly. "No, no. Do not apologize. I enjoy it actually."</p><p>He tilts his head a little, confusion and amusement in his golden eyes. "You enjoy it?"</p><p>I nod. "In the Circle I was always one of the first to wake. I watched the sunrise most mornings. It is peaceful and I am glad that I can still experience something so familiar, even this far away from home."</p><p>Cullen eyes me for a moment, searching my face. He watches me for long enough that I begin to feel a little uncomfortable.</p><p>"I heard of what happened to your Circle," he says finally. "You have my sympathies. There has been so much death and destruction recently. You appear to have faced quite a lot of it in such a short period."</p><p>I feel a wash of grief come over me at just the mention of what happened. "I am not the only one who has faced such losses," I reply, my voice wavering slightly. "I am simply thankful to be alive. I only wish that my friends were still with me. It is their loss that pains me the most."</p><p>Cullen sighs. "I know what you mean."</p><p>I watch him from the corner of my eye for a moment, observing the emotion in his eyes as it changes from sympathy, to sadness, then to understanding.</p><p>"May I ask you a question, Commander?"</p><p>His eyes meet mine and he hesitates a moment. "I, uh, yes. What would you like to know?"</p><p>"Why did you join the Inquisition? Cassandra said you were the Knight-Commander in Kirkwall. Yet you say you left the Order. Why did you leave the Order? Was it because of the Inquisition? The mage-templar war?" I cut myself off with a short laugh. "Sorry, I hadn't meant to ask so many things. Not at once."</p><p>There is a slight smile on the corner of his mouth. "I can appreciate the boldness," he says warmly. "It is...refreshing." Then his usual seriousness returns, and his eyes turn to look out over the valley. "I was in Kirkwall when the Circle fell. I saw the explosion of the chantry and was there during the mage uprising. I saw firsthand the suffering magic could inflict upon the world, but I also saw the corruption of the Order which I served. Templars and mages killed each other in the streets, and Knight-Commander Meredith had gone mad. Cassandra found me in Kirkwall when I had assumed the role of Knight-Commander in order to try and deal with the chaos, but after all that I saw I was not the templar I had once been. She offered me a position as the Commander, and I took it. I wanted nothing more to do with that life." His eyes drop to the ground in front of him and he digs the toe of his boot into the ground, deep in thought. "I wanted to make a difference. Hearing of the war spreading across Thedas, I felt that it was my responsibility to do something. The Inquisition seemed the best chance for that."</p><p>I feel a pang of sympathy for him, hearing his story. To think he had told me only moments ago that I had seen such suffering, while he too has experienced so much. And I am surprised at just how similar his thoughts were to my own. Wanting to make a difference and thinking that this might be the best place to do it. I suppose that is what all of us here have in common.</p><p>But what does this better world look like to him? Is it one where mages are locked away again? Or could he ever consider our freedom?</p><p>My thoughts falter and my wall comes back up. For all the sympathy I have for him, I do not know his past beyond his brief words. I doubt he is innocent of all wrongdoing. None of us are.</p><p>Cullen notices the change in my mood and shifts awkwardly, clearing his throat. "I believe you have met my second-in-command. Prior to all this, in fact. Rylen told me about your arrival in Haven and the letter from the Circle."</p><p>I blink up at him a few times. "Rylen is one of your men? I had no idea. But yes, I did meet him." I recall my trunk that he had returned to me and I smile a little. "He has been kind to me. He was the first person outside of the Circle that treated me like any other person. Everyone else saw the mage first, forgetting the person who shares this body."</p><p>Cullen lets out a long breath. "I hope that my being a former templar does not make you uncomfortable, Herald, though I understand that it might."</p><p>Despite my wariness, I am thankful for his honesty. Enough so that I offer a brief smile, which he returns a little awkwardly.</p><p>When I think about it, Rylen is also a former templar. So are many of the soldiers that now serve the Inquisition. I begin to feel some guilt for deciding so quickly that I cannot trust the Commander. While I still do not feel comfortable with it, perhaps I should be a little more open minded. I would not want him to judge me harshly because I am a mage, so I should not do the same to him.</p><p>"For what it's worth, Commander, I am sorry for what you went through." My own words surprise me, but when I see the surprise on his face turn to a warmth, I feel as though they were the right ones.</p><p>He looks away, overwhelmed by my gaze and, I imagine, by the weight of such horrible memories. "There has been much suffering in the world. That is what the Inquisition is here for. To put an end to this madness and to restore order. It is a worthy cause, one that more people are beginning to realize. The Inquisition is a chance for things to change, for the world to improve. There is so much that we could do..." He sighs and chuckles to himself. "Forgive me. You did not come here for a lecture."</p><p>I laugh. "No, but I admire your passion. You think very highly of the Inquisition. That speaks volumes. It makes me feel like I am in the right place."</p><p>His golden eyes meet mine for a long moment, warmth swirling inside of them and drawing me in. I find myself locked onto them.</p><p>Footsteps approach and a soldier greets Cullen. "Commander, the report on our supply lines."</p><p>Cullen clears his throat, breaking eye contact and turning to his soldier. "Thank you, Lieutenant."</p><p>I back away from Cullen a little, edging towards the main gate, realizing now that the sun is beginning to set, and I have yet to pack for my first expedition in the morning. I had not meant to linger so long, and that prolonged eye contact has left me flustered.</p><p>"Sorry for keeping you, Commander. Thank you." I turn before he can reply and jog across the training yard and up into Haven. I do not stop until I reach the privacy of my hut where I catch my breath and try to calm my pounding heart.</p><p>On the bed I see the robes and boots that Harritt had told me about. Removing the armour from the sack and placing it together with the robes, I feel a sense of pride welling up inside me. Tomorrow I will leave on my first mission for the Inquisition. I pledge to myself that I will work harder than anyone to see it through.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Strengthening Ties</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Four days on horseback feels like an eternity. Each night when we make camp, I barely have enough strength left in my body to practice my magic with Solas, but I push myself to my limit. He continues to praise me on my progress, but no sooner do our lessons end am I fed and crawling into my bed roll.</p><p>When we reach the Hinterlands, I could not be happier for it. We rendezvous with the scouts at the main camp on a hillside overlooking a vast, beautiful valley. However, the beauty is somewhat diminished by the numerous pillars of black smoke rising from buildings as they succumb to the war.</p><p>Cassandra introduces me to Scout Harding, a dwarven woman who grew up in the area but now serves as one of the Inquisition's most trusted scouts. She is a cheerful girl with a bright smile and a wisdom beyond her years. We talk a little on the first night while sat around the campfire. She tells me some of her childhood and gives me details about the area. Varric attempts to lighten the mood with some bad jokes, but Harding and I both roll our eyes at him and continue our talk.</p><p>"We originally came here to secure horses from Horsemaster Dennet," Harding says as she cradles her cup of broth. "But we haven't been able to make it beyond the Crossroads. The war is relentless. As soon as you step outside of the Crossroads you practically walk right into about twenty mages and templars. I hope you have better luck."</p><p>I smile wryly. "As do I. I have never fought anyone before. Solas has taught me some spells, but I am worried I won't be any use in a fight."</p><p>"Give yourself some credit, Goldie," Varric chimes from across the campfire. "Chuckles says you're doing great. Believe it."</p><p>I let out a long breath. "I hope you are right."</p><p>Sleep comes easier than I had expected. I suppose being so drained from the journey here took more of a toll on me than I thought.</p><p>Cassandra wakes me at sunrise, my head still pounding as we gather our things and begin the trek down into the valley towards the Crossroads. Harding said that Mother Giselle is tending to the wounded refugees in the town centre.</p><p>I yawn and stretch my arms to the sky. At least my armour fits well. Perhaps I am more ready for this than I let myself believe. Despite the dark circles under my eyes and the ache in my bottom, I feel more prepared with the dawn of a new day.</p><p>Two weeks pass in a blur. From fighting bandits, closing fade rifts, to investigating magical mysteries and these strange skulls on posts scattered all around the area. We later determine that they are called Ocularum and are in fact the skulls of the Tranquil. Upon learning of their origin Solas and I have a heated argument over what to do with them. While he agrees they are morbid, he thinks their purpose fascinating, while I want nothing more than to take them all down. Eventually he agrees, satisfied that he will be able to keep a journal we found about their study.</p><p>During this time, I killed someone for the first time. It was a rebel mage who jumped out of the trees as we made our way from the Crossroads to find the Horsemaster. It was a reflex that did it, an ice spell that ripped through him like nothing I have ever seen. For days all I could picture was his face as his life slipped away. To think that I would one day be killing my own people. The thought plagues me endlessly.</p><p>We find Dennet after a week and he agrees to send horses if we erect watchtowers to guard his family and to deal with a pack of wolves that have been corrupted by a demon. We send word back to Haven for the construction of the watchtowers and deal with the wolves promptly.</p><p>A fortress deep in the Hinterlands catches our attention and once we learn that it is occupied by bandits, we make quick work of clearing them out. Several ideas for using it are passed between us. Harding agrees to occupy it and use it as a point of authority in the area. Supply lines from the east come through the area, so it will be a useful acquisition.</p><p>Bears are noticeably present in the area. Knowing full well our supply shortages, I convince Cassandra to allocate a day of hunting with some of the Inquisition soldiers and we manage to take down a dozen bears. We send the pelts back to Haven on a cart with a brief note.</p><p>"How is the construction of the towers going?" I ask Cassandra as we sit around a table at our newly captured fortress. The sun set hours ago, yet we remain awake, pouring through letters and reports by candlelight.</p><p>"Slowly," she replies with a sigh. "It will be some time yet until they are useable."</p><p>I nod. "Of course."</p><p>She lowers the letter in her hand down onto the table. "To be honest, Herald, I do not think there is much else we can do here for now. We ought to think about leaving for Val Royeaux."</p><p>My face falls at the thought of another long horseback journey, but I know she is right. We have delayed too long. Mother Giselle has been in Haven for over a week now.</p><p>"I agree," I say reluctantly. "When should we depart?"</p><p>Relief floods over Cassandra's face. "The day after tomorrow."</p><p>I nod. "Very well."</p><p>Due to our extended stay in the Hinterlands, Cassandra decides that travelling directly to Val Royeaux is our best course of action. Originally, we were meant to pass through Haven to debrief and discuss our impending meeting with the chantry, however those tasks are fulfilled through letters.</p><p>The journey to Val Royeaux is a tedious one as we navigate the Frostback mountains. But all of that is quickly forgotten when we enter Orlais and are allowed the luxury of inns. On the first night in an inn, somewhere along the Imperial Highway, east of Halamshiral, I make sure to bathe myself thoroughly and wrap myself happily into the comfort of a proper bed. This constant going between beds and bed rolls has been exhausting.</p><p>Orlais is more beautiful than I could have imagined. Everything appears several tones brighter than in Ferelden and it reminds me of Ostwick. What little memories I have of my home city are of bright coloured buildings and brilliant sunshine. Orlais is nothing but bright colours and sunshine. It warms my heart to see it.</p><p>Val Royeaux is not exception. Blues and reds fill the city, brilliantly clear waters flow beneath ornate stone bridges. Flowers decorate every nook and cranny, vibrant drapery hanging from building to building. Statues carved from marble and the people dressed in elegant clothing embroidered with golden details. Even their masks are beautifully crafted, which Cassandra had explained to me their purpose.</p><p>As we enter the plaza in the heart of the city, I find myself hurrying from one stall or shop window to the next. There is no end to all the wonderful things I can see.</p><p>Varric chuckles as they wait for me to finish my gawking. "I think we'll have to check out some of these shops later."</p><p>Cassandra groans. "We're here to meet with the clerics, not for a shopping spree, dwarf."</p><p>"Oh, hush now, Seeker. Can't you see how excited our Herald is?" he turns to me. "I know a shop that sells some Marcher sweets if you're interested, Goldie. And another that has robes imported from Antiva. I'll take you later if you would like."</p><p>I reluctantly pull away from the window I had been peering through and nod, reminding myself of the true purpose of our visit here. "I would like that, Varric."</p><p>At that moment, a woman in Inquisition armour approaches us from a secluded walkway, bowing to Cassandra and I.</p><p>"I am Scout Worthy," she says, her voice lowered as though concerned that someone might overhear her. "I am one of the Nightingale's eyes."</p><p>Cassandra glances around at the people who pass us by. "What is the situation?"</p><p>Worthy's eyes dart around anxiously. "The chantry remains wholeheartedly against the Inquisition, my lady. There are clerics preaching to the square every day declaring the Inquisition as heretics. It has become dangerous for our people to remain here. The Nightingale is having us replaced with spies who can be more discreet."</p><p>Cassandra nods. "As we expected. Has the chantry agreed to a meeting?"</p><p>Worthy shakes her head. "No, my lady. But that is not all. It would seem that Lord Seeker Lucius has arrived in the city with the templars. No one knows why they are here, but the chantry claims they have returned to them."</p><p>We all exchange uneasy glances.</p><p>"We just came from the Hinterlands," I say. "The war is still ongoing. This doesn't make sense."</p><p>"I know the Lord Seeker," Cassandra says with a frown. "He is a reasonable man. Perhaps what Worthy says is true. Perhaps the templars have begun to see sense."</p><p>Cassandra takes point, Worthy melting away into the crowd as Leliana's scouts do best. As we approach the commotion on the far side of the square, I pray the templars see reason.</p><p>Standing on the balcony of my rented room, I find myself dwelling on the chaos that was our confrontation with the chantry and the templars. The baffling hostility from both organizations has left my mind reeling. My emotions are a mix of confusion and rage.</p><p>And on top of that, the surprise invitation from Grand Enchanter Fiona to meet with the mages in Redcliffe. For her to risk so much by coming to find us and for the incredible offer to negotiate peace was unexpected. I have yet to decide how I feel about it all.</p><p>Looking out over Val Royeaux I exhale deeply, trying to ease the tension that is threatening to trigger a nasty headache. The sun is setting slowly, highlighting the colourful city in golden light. </p><p>It has been over thirteen years since I saw my home city of Ostwick. When I was sent to the Circle by my family, I had thought I would never see it again. But now, thinking about how much has changed and the freedom I now have, would it be possible to go back? Do I want to go back? I am unsure. It is a place that holds many painful memories.</p><p>There is a soft knock at my door. Varric enters, glancing out into the hall as though hiding from something or someone. Cassandra, no doubt.</p><p>With the door closed he turns to me with a cheeky smile and flashes a bottle of wine and a deck of cards.</p><p>"You up for a little bit of harmless fun, Goldie?"</p><p>I laugh and signal for him to join me at the table on the balcony. "I wouldn't say challenging you to Wicked Grace is harmless. I'd say it's quite the opposite."</p><p>He chuckles as he pours us both some wine. "Well then you should practice more. Only way to get better is to keep playing. I promise I'll go easy on you, oh Herald of Andraste."</p><p>I shake my head, a smile on my lips. "Why do I not believe you, dwarf?"</p><p>"You wound me," he says with a smirk. "Did the Seeker put you up to this?"</p><p>"Cassandra can deal her own blows easily enough. Those were my words."</p><p>He chuckles. "Then you've spent far too much time around her. Better watch yourself, or soon you will end up as bitter as she is. If your luck is bad enough your face might end up stuck in the same permanent frown as hers."</p><p>As Varric deals our hands, I sip my wine and watch him with a smile. It has only been a few weeks since the Conclave, but my entire world feels completely changed. It may be too soon to say, but I have become close with my companions already. I find myself intrigued by Solas, with whom I share many interests and values. Cassandra is equal parts my leash and a kind of mentor. I value her incredibly. And Varric, he is the closest thing I have to a true friend. He is supportive, kind and always has my back. With them I feel valued, heard. It is odd to think that I began this journey as someone completely different. I barely remember that person now.</p><p>For a moment I can see Gabriel's face. So familiar, yet so distant. It feels like a lifetime ago that I looked into his dark eyes. I wonder what became of him. If he managed to find his uncle and to regain control of the Circle tower. I could probably ask Josephine or Leliana to find out for me, but I am unsure if that is what is best.</p><p>"Are you alright, Goldie?" Varric's tone is uncharacteristically serious, his eyes searching mine.</p><p>I blink away my thoughts and gather my cards, forcing a smile. "Are you prepared to lose, Varric? I am feeling particularly lucky tonight."</p><p>He sees my deflection and decides not to pry. He matches my smile and takes up his own cards. "In that case I should watch myself. You survived a giant explosion that ripped a hole in the sky and walked physically in the Fade without dying. If you feel luckier than you did for those things, then I may actually walk out of this place a beggar."</p><p>I raise an eyebrow playfully. "Well then, let's begin, shall we?"</p><p>Before we are able to return to Haven, I have business to deal with north of Val Royeaux. A Red Jenny named Sera sent me the location of a secluded courtyard where we encounter a nobleman who pays for his crimes with an arrow in the face. After an odd introduction, I agree to let Sera join the Inquisition as one of my companions. Despite her backwards way of talking and her boundless excitement, I find her fascinating. She agrees to meet us back in Haven once she has finished up her business in Val Royeaux.</p><p>I then attend an elegant party at a country chateau where I meet the eloquent and rather magnificent Vivienne de Fer. As the leader of the loyalist mages, I imagine immediately the conflict of beliefs she and I will encounter but see the value in having her join us. She promises to be in Haven as soon as business allows her.</p><p>The ride back to Haven is a tedious one. Soon after crossing the border into Ferelden we encounter nothing but bad weather.</p><p>As Haven's walls come into view, I feel a flood of relief. Haven has begun to feel like home. Especially having been away from it for weeks.</p><p>We leave our horses at the stable and carry our sacks and things towards the gate. I find myself glancing over at the training yards, eyes scanning for a familiar head of blonde hair. When I do not see it, I feel a pang of disappointment.</p><p>"Looking for someone in particular?"</p><p>I groan at the sound of Varric's smiling words. "Do you always stick your nose into other people's business, or am I just special?"</p><p>He chuckles. "Both, actually. But seriously, are you telling me you have your eye on our dear Commander already?"</p><p>"Not that it's any of your business, but no. I don't."</p><p>Cassandra turns briefly to me as she walks ahead of us, oblivious to my conversation with Varric. "We will debrief in the Chantry tonight, Herald. Get some rest until then." And then it is just Varric and I alone, with Solas already disappeared up the stairs into Haven.</p><p>Varric gives me a knowing look. "You're not a very good liar."</p><p>I sigh. "We spoke a little before we left for the Hinterlands," I say. "I find him interesting if you really need to know. We have similar ways of thinking. I am interested in getting to know him a little better."</p><p>"Oh?" Varric seems even more curious now.</p><p>I sigh and push the dwarf through the gate. "Why does everything have to have some dirty double meaning with you? Get your mind out of the gutter!"</p><p>He chuckles and hurries up the stairs, escaping my pushing. "Alright, alright. You're always so mean to me, Goldie."</p><p>I frown at him as I turn towards my hut. "You deserve it."</p><p>"See you at dinner, Goldie."</p><p>I smile. "See you, Varric."</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. The Commander of the Inquisition</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sun is setting when I emerge from my hut and begin on my way towards the chantry. I spent most of the day on the verge of sleep, but my swirling thoughts kept me from getting any proper rest. I tried to cover up the dark circles under my eyes with some powder Josephine gave to me before I left for the Hinterlands, and while it covered them well, my half-closed eyes surely give away my exhaustion anyway.</p><p>At least I was able to bathe. Even if my bath is not a proper one, merely an oversized bucket, it is better than the rivers and basins from my travels. Even in Val Royeaux there had not been a bath in sight, only wash basins, which struck me as odd. But I suppose we had not rented rooms in any particularly fancy inns.</p><p>As I pass Varric's tent I can see no life within it so assume he must already be in the tavern drinking or waiting for me to join him for dinner. I pray this meeting goes quickly as my stomach is growling horribly and I do not wish to keep Varric waiting because, knowing him, he will wait around all night if he has to in order to ensure he sees me get a proper meal.</p><p>The chantry is lit by candles, the quiet of these walls a complete contrast to the bustle of the village. I pass Mother Giselle on my way who offers me some kind words and a smile, before leaving on my way.</p><p>Standing by the door to the war room I find myself straightening everything about myself. My hair, my robes, my back. I still feel like an outsider in these meetings. I know the only reason I have been kept around and allowed to these things is because of the mark. I have no illusions about my role. All the more reason to feel uneasy about them each and every time.</p><p>I enter with a refined confidence that I hope will appear noble, rather than entitled. All eyes turn to me as always, but the eyes that I notice first are the pair of golden ones directly opposite me. Instantly my skin flushes and I feel my heart begin to race. For a moment I want to run back out the door and for those few seconds I find myself hesitating in the doorway.</p><p>"Are you alright, Herald?" Josephine asks, her dark brow knit together with concern.</p><p>I try and force a smile, but I can tell that it must be a strangled one because now everyone is frowning at me worriedly, especially the owner of those golden eyes. I really need to ask Solas about a spell to turn myself invisible.</p><p>Closing the door, I hurry to take my place at the table, doing everything I can to forget that Cullen is even in the room. I feel stupid for how my body is responding to even just him looking at me. This cannot be normal. Maybe I am sick. Maybe I really need some sleep. I never reacted like this with Gabriel, and he had been my first.</p><p>What am I even thinking?! If I wasn't standing in front of all these people, I might have slapped myself across the face.</p><p>"Did you manage to get some rest, Herald?" Cassandra asks, pulling me from my panicked thoughts.</p><p>I shake my head. "Not really. I could not seem to relax. I guess my body isn't used to soft warm beds anymore." I try to pass it off as a joke, but no one laughs. I sigh under my breath. I really do need some sleep.</p><p>"I could have Adan put together some herbs to help you sleep, Herald," Cullen says, his golden eyes still on me.</p><p>"I can order some incense from Antiva, if it would help, Lady Herald," Josephine adds.</p><p>"No, no! I don't want to bother you." I feel bad enough that they still have to baby me with all things leadership related, the last thing I want is them chasing up herbs and worrying about my sleeping habits.</p><p>"It isn't a bother, Herald," Cullen insists, his eyes warm. "I will speak with Adan after we are done here and have something sent to your hut tonight."</p><p>I intend to decline him further, but the soft smile he gives when he finishes speaking sends my mind into a haze. Varric was right, I do believe I have a thing for the Commander. It does not even seem possible. I have barely known him for a few weeks, most of that time being spent nowhere near him. It must be those eyes. Something about them just draws me in. I have never seen golden eyes before. That must be it. I am intrigued by his eyes.</p><p>"We heard about what happened in Val Royeaux." Leliana's voice startles me. I had forgotten she was even in the room.</p><p>"It is a shame the templars have abandoned their senses, as well as the capitol." The warmth has gone from Cullen's eyes, replaced with a deep frown.</p><p>Flashbacks of Lord Seeker Lucius and his templars bullying the cleric whom we had intended to speak with stirs the beginnings of anger within me. The way he had spoken down to us, to Cassandra as well. It boils my blood just to think of it.</p><p>"With the chantry now out of the way, we have an opening to approach both the templars, and the mages." Josephine's boundless optimism never fails to impress me.</p><p>"Do we?" Cassandra responds with a sigh and a frown. "Lord Seeker Lucius is not the man I remember."</p><p>Leliana nods. "True. He has taken the Order somewhere, but to do what? My reports have been...very odd."</p><p>Cullen shifts closer to the table, eyes cast downward, scanning the map between us. "We must look into it. I am certain not everyone in the Order will support the Lord Seeker."</p><p>"Or the Herald could simply go meet the mages in Redcliffe instead," Josephine suggests.</p><p>Cullen eyes her with a frown. "You think the mage rebellion is more united? It could be ten times worse."</p><p>"The mages are powerful, that is certain," Cassandra says, her tone softer than I had expected. "But they are desperate."</p><p>"All the more reason to do something about it." My voice raises once again, conveying my sincere feelings about all of this. "The templars have made it known that they do not intend to aid us. Perhaps they can be persuaded, but Grand Enchanter Fiona came directly to us. She wishes to discuss an alliance. We would be foolish to not act on it. We need power, do we not? Is that not the entire reason for this debate in the first place?"</p><p>I catch a glimpse of Cullen in the corner of my eye and he lowers his eyes to the floor. He shifts, displeased with my suggestion, but understanding enough not to argue further.</p><p>"We need more influence if we are to approach either party," Josephine says after a short silence. "We are still barely beginning, and we need more resources, more people. Herald, you have already brought much to our cause, but I am afraid we must ask more of you."</p><p>The knot in my stomach untangles itself slowly and I offer Josephine a small smile and a nod. I appreciate her kindness towards me. "I will do whatever I can to aid the Inquisition."</p><p>"Then we must find more agents," Cassandra continues as she turns towards the war room. "We will meet again in the morning. Get some rest, Herald."</p><p>The group begins to disband, and I find myself watching as they go. Josephine to her office, Leliana and Cassandra towards the exit. And Cullen, well, he does not move. Rather he looks over at me, hand on the hilt of his sword as always.</p><p>"I am sorry if I offend you when I push the matter of the templars during these discussions." His voice is soft, his expression a little ashamed. "I do not mean to discard the mages. I...I just cannot abandon the Order. Not when they need our aid."</p><p>I let out a sigh and run a hand across the top of my head, pushing back the strands of hair that hang about my face. "I understand you completely, Commander. I do not mean to discard the templars either. You may not believe me, but I have, or rather had, templar friends before the Conclave. I do not hate templars. I do not wish to see them suffer."</p><p>There is a hint of something in his eyes that makes my heart skip a beat, and I find myself turning away from him slightly to hide the panicked expression on my face.</p><p>"Uh, have you eaten yet, Commander?" I fumble for a question to better hide my nerves, not really caring what that question might be. I realize only when he raises an eyebrow at me curiously that it may have been the wrong question.</p><p>"I, uh, no." He clears his throat and runs a hand through his styled hair. "I have not."</p><p>I clear my throat softly and signal to the chantry doors. "I am about to join Varric in the tavern for dinner. Would you like to join us?"</p><p>He hesitates and I know I should not have asked. But then he smiles. It is a warm smile that I have not seen from him before. I have barely seen hints of a smile on his face, so seeing this one as it spreads across his face sends my heart into a frantic spasm. He truly is a stunning man.</p><p>"I would like that." He signals towards the door and we begin to walk out of the chantry.</p><p>Having him so near to me, walking beside me through Haven, it feels surreal. Ever since our talk in the training yards before I left for the Hinterlands, I have thought about him more frequently that I would like to admit to myself. I have done my best not to put much into those thoughts, but I am beginning to question my own sanity. No one has made me this self-conscious before, nor sent my entire mind and body into a panic just by looking at me. Varric was right. He was very, very right.</p><p>I stop dead in my tracks, all colour draining from my face. Cullen notices my abrupt halt and immediately has a concerned look on his face.</p><p>"Herald? Are you unwell?"</p><p>Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit! It only just occurs to me that I have invited Cullen to dine with myself...and Varric. I let out a groan that surely makes me look like an idiot to the man in front of me, but I do not care. I am an idiot. Varric will not let me live this down.</p><p>Cullen looks at me as confused as ever, but I simply brush past him and continue towards the tavern. He has to jog to keep up with me.</p><p>When we reach the tavern, Cullen hurries ahead to hold the door open for me. Despite my dread of what Varric is going to say or do, my heart leaps at the gesture and the small smile Cullen gives me as I pass him.</p><p>Varric is seated at the centre table as he always is. He claimed it as his and told me it was just his nature to be the centre of attention.</p><p>When he sees me his face lights up into a wide smile and he raises his tankard to greet me and no doubt make some well thought out remark on my lateness, but stops short when I take my seat and the Commander appears behind me, glancing around the tavern awkwardly. Come to think of it, I have never seen Cullen in here before.</p><p>The smile that had lit up Varric's face turns knowing, and he gives me a look that instantly makes me want to bang my head against the table. I cannot believe I walked right into this one. At the sight of my expression Varric chuckles, then turns his attention to Cullen, who is still standing awkwardly behind me.</p><p>"Well, this is a surprise, Commander," he says, his tone clearly conveying his amusement. "Come to drink with us common folk like our dear Herald?"</p><p>Cullen clears his throat and straightens his back. "No, no. I do not drink."</p><p>Varric fiends shock and makes a display of protecting his tankard in his arms. "You're not one of those templars, are you?"</p><p>Cullen groans and I know he is beginning to regret his decision.</p><p>I pull out the chair beside me and offer it to him. "Have a seat, Commander."</p><p>He hesitates, his eyes going from me to the chair, then back again. "I, uh, thank you, Herald."</p><p>Varric bites his lips to hold back a smile and I could have grabbed a chair and thrown it at his head.</p><p>"I usually take my food in the chantry," Cullen says with a wry smile, still visibly uncomfortable. "I do believe this is my first visit to the tavern." He glances around at all the faces that glance in our direction and whisper amongst themselves. "What a...charming little place."</p><p>Varric laughs and calls for Flissa, the barmaid. "Three plates of food, dear. And two tankards of ale."</p><p>Cullen's eyes move to me, his eyebrow raising curiously. "You drink?"</p><p>I nod, trying hard not to blush under his gaze in front of Varric. "A little. Mostly at Varric's insistence. I am still not used to it. I had my very first drink here in this tavern, actually. Once again, at Varric's insistence."</p><p>Varric shrugs, clearly pleased with himself. "What can I say, you are always working so hard and helping people. Everyone thinks you're a damn saint. A few ales here and there keeps you human."</p><p>"Odd logic, but I can see your meaning, Varric." Cullen seems to relax a little and turns to Flissa who is preparing the last of our order. "Another ale, please, miss."</p><p>Varric nearly spits the last mouthful of his ale. "Damn, Curly, I never thought I'd see the day."</p><p>Cullen glares over at him. "Not that silly nickname again, Varric. Haven't you grown tired of finding new names for everyone you meet?"</p><p>"I don't give everyone nicknames, Curly, you know that. Only the people I like."</p><p>Cullen glances to me again. "Has he given one to you, Herald?"</p><p>"Of course," Varric says, his tone a little offended. "Goldie here is our illustrious leader. She deserves no less."</p><p>"Goldie?" Cullen eyes me a moment. "Ah, I see. Because of her hair."</p><p>Feeling his eyes on me as they search my features makes my heart pound. When I glance at Varric and he smiles knowingly at me I am certain I must look as flustered as I feel.</p><p>Flissa arrives with our food and drinks then, saving me from my own mortified embarrassment. I grab my tankard the moment it is in front of me and down several large mouthfuls.</p><p>"Whoa, whoa," Varric laughs. "If I knew you'd turn into a drunkard, I'd never have given you an ale to begin with."</p><p>"Shut up, dwarf," I snap, making Varric laugh harder.</p><p>We eat in silence for a short while, Varric periodically glancing up at me and then at Cullen. It is so obvious he is concocting some master plan to mess with me. I frown coldly at him which makes him chuckle, but Cullen seems none the wiser, fully distracted by his meal and the ale he sips now and then.</p><p>It occurs to me soon after that Cullen had mentioned having served the Order in Kirkwall, the same city that Varric is from. And Varric had called him Curly, as though they knew each other.</p><p>I swallow my food and glance between them. "Do you two know each other from Kirkwall? You seem familiar with one another."</p><p>"Only a little," Cullen replies after another sip of ale. "I met the Champion several times, and Varric was usually with her. Can't say we spoke much, however."</p><p>Varric nods. "There was a lot going on in Kirkwall at the time. There wasn't much to be said that wasn't all doom and gloom. But I've made the effort to catch up with Curly a few times since joining the Inquisition. He hasn't particularly enjoyed my company. I'm actually surprised you managed to convince him to come eat with me at all."</p><p>Cullen chokes on his food and coughs a couple of times, before taking a large gulp of ale. "I do not hate you, Varric. I am perfectly able to sit at a table with you."</p><p>Varric raises an eyebrow in my direction. "Goldie didn't tell me you two were close, either. Glad to see she's making friends that aren't sarcastic dwarves and broody elvhen apostates. Or copious amounts of elfroot, for that matter."</p><p>I nearly snort my ale. I should know better than to drink while Varric is talking. "For one, I can befriend whomever I like, and it is not your business. And two, elfroot is an extremely versatile herb with incredible medicinal values. Mock it if you want, but next time you need a health potion because you've been injured, remember the elfroot that healed you."</p><p>Varric is in hysterics the moment I stop talking and even Cullen fights to hold back his laughter.</p><p>I groan and sit back in my chair. "I'm glad to see my love of alchemy is so hilarious to you both."</p><p>Cullen wipes his mouth with a handkerchief and forces away his urge to laugh. "I am not mocking your talents, Herald, I swear it. But I must say I have never heard such a passionate speech about elfroot before. It was quite educational, in fact."</p><p>Varric only laughs harder and I find myself smiling despite my frustration.</p><p>I do not know how much time passes, but after two more ales I find myself yawning and stretching in my chair. If I am to get enough sleep before the morning meeting, I ought to head to bed.</p><p>Cullen eyes me and then rises to his feet. "I had not realized it was getting so late. I can walk you to your hut, if you like, Herald."</p><p>I ignore Varric's suggestive smile and groggily find my own feet. "Thank you, Commander. But the chantry is in the opposite direction to my hut. I can walk myself."</p><p>Cullen signals to the door, a small smile on his mouth. "I have to stop by the camp and apothecary before I retire. Really, it is no bother at all."</p><p>I accept, calling goodnight to Varric over my shoulder as we go.</p><p>"Make sure you get some proper rest, Goldie." I can hear the double meaning in his tone that makes me groan under my breath and I am more than happy when Cullen closes the door behind us, and I am free from that meddling dwarf's suggestive glances and comments.</p><p>The night is colder than usual, and I find myself wrapping my arms around my body, trying to hold back a chill. It is not far to my hut, but with the icy wind blowing the way it is, I do not want to risk catching a cold.</p><p>We do not speak as we walk, much to my disappointment. I try to rake my brain for something to say that might strike up a conversation, but nothing comes to mind. Between my nerves and the cold, I just cannot seem to think of anything to say.</p><p>When we reach my hut, I turn to Cullen to thank him, and find him watching me with sparkling eyes. There is a warmth there that makes me forget all about the icy wind and I shudder, not from the cold, but from the way those eyes make me feel.</p><p>"I'm sorry if Varric made you uncomfortable at all," I say, eyes dropping to the ground between us, unable to hold his eye contact any longer.</p><p>"Not at all," he replies hurriedly. "Actually, I rather enjoyed myself. I have been so busy since all of this began, even before that really. I have not had much of a chance to relax. It was a nice change."</p><p>I smile up at him, relief flooding over me. I was certain I had only dragged him along unwillingly. "Then I am glad that I asked you to join us. Maybe we can do it again sometime. I promise to house train my dwarf a little better." I bite my tongue. I have no filter when I am around him.</p><p>A smile spreads across his face. "I would like that."</p><p>There is a small commotion across the yard when a group of three soldiers stumble in through the front gate, obviously very intoxicated.</p><p>Cullen clears his throat and backs away from me a step. "I should deal with that. Thank you for tonight. I will see you at the morning meeting, Herald." With a bow he trails after the soldiers who have stumbled their way in the direction of the tavern. I can hear Cullen's voice telling them to head back to camp and then the three of them hurry back down and out the gate they practically fell through, Cullen on their heels.</p><p>I find myself laughing to myself as I disappear into my hut. Spreading out on my bed I cannot wipe the smile off my face. I am under no illusion, knowing full well that pursuing the Commander would be a really bad idea, but these glowing feelings within me feel so wonderful. I feel like a normal person with them, as though the whole Herald of Andraste thing does not exists. I am not the Herald, not the apostate blamed for the Conclave. I am not just the mark. I am me. Astri Trevelyan. And I have a huge crush on the Commander of the Inquisition.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. The Return of a Friend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I wake with the sunrise as I usually do, though I opt to remain in bed a little longer than I would normally. I slept solidly yet I awake still as exhausted as I had been the night before. I feel my forehead with my hand, trying to determine if I might have a fever that could explain why I feel so awful suddenly.</p><p>Unable to diagnose myself, I climb out of bed reluctantly and dress myself for the day. I try to wash away my droopy face with water but end up only looking like a sickly drowned rat. I sigh and plait my hair, tucking it over my shoulder to hang down the length of my back. Since I left the Circle my hair has grown rapidly, already having added nearly two inches to the length. I did not think such a thing was possible, but the sunlight must be working wonders for it.</p><p>Hearing the howling winds outside my hut, I decide to layer myself with a fur coat over my usual robes. It is so soft and warm that it feels as though I am still curled up in bed. Then with one last ugly yawn, I step out into the morning air.</p><p>My stomach grumbles loudly and I decide breakfast is a good idea. Maybe with some food in me I might feel a bit better. So, I make my way to the tavern. Inside I find a place at Varric's table. He is not there this morning and I am thankful for it. I do not feel like talking about last night while he snickers at me. I eat alone, glad for the time to myself. People come and go, but no one approaches me. Part of the whole divinity thing means people tend to steer clear of me either from fear of my mark or because I am a mage, or because they are too shy to speak to me.</p><p>When the sun has risen beyond the horizon, I know it is close to time for the morning meeting, so I return my bowl to the bar, thank Flissa, and then begin on my way towards the chantry.</p><p>As I approach the door of the chantry, someone comes from within and we almost collide in the doorway.</p><p>"I am so sorry!" I squeak as I step out of the way. When I look up to continue apologize, I find a familiar face and tattoo. "Rylen?"</p><p>The man smiles down at me. "My lady Herald, what an unexpected surprise." He glances over me with an unguarded scrutiny that nearly makes me blush. "I have to say this whole Herald of Andraste business suits you. But you're looking a little worn out, if you don't mind me saying." He leans closer to me, a smirk on his lips. "The Commander isn't being a jerk or anything, is he? I can have a word to him if he is." He pulls away and smile brightly. "He's a bit of a stick in the mud, I know, but he's a good lad."</p><p>I shake my head, feeling a rush of heat at the mention of Cullen. "No! Not at all. We are getting along surprisingly well, I think."</p><p>Rylen raises an eyebrow at my enthusiastic reply. "Is that so? Well, stranger things have happened, I suppose."</p><p>"Like a hole in the sky?"</p><p>He laughs. "Yes, like a hole in the sky."</p><p>"Rylen, glad I caught you." Cullen's voice comes from within the chantry and he appears beside Rylen, eyes cast downward at a letter in his hand. When he stops, he glances up, noticing that I am present. Instantly he straightens himself. "Herald, I did not see you there." He glances between Rylen and I. "I am sorry, am I interrupting?"</p><p>"Not at all Commander," Rylen replies with a smile. "The Herald and I were just having a little catch up." He turns back to me. "Did you receive your trunk?"</p><p>I nod and a thankful smile spreads across my face. "Yes, thank you. Truly, it means the world to me to have my things back. I have nothing else from home, so to have my things returned was incredible. If there is anything I can do in return, you need only ask."</p><p>Rylen chuckles. "Well, there is that hole in the sky we were just talking about. Patch that up and I'll call us even." He winks playfully and I feel torn between flattered and embarrassed with the Commander standing right there.</p><p>Cullen clears his throat. "Um, I don't mean to interrupt, but we must get to the meeting." His brief glance in my direction is a sign to me that he was unimpressed by Rylen's flirtation. "I will meet you at the training yards after the meeting, Rylen."</p><p>"Of course, Commander." Rylen nods to Cullen then turns back to me. "We should have a drink sometime, Lady Herald."</p><p>I nod. "Anytime, Rylen."</p><p>My response earns another bright smile. "I like your enthusiasm." He bows and then strides off down the pathway towards the gates.</p><p>Cullen shifts, drawing my attention back to him. I feel the heat rise on my face as he watches me with a sharp frown. I cannot tell what he is thinking, but the intensity in his golden eyes takes me a little aback.</p><p>I clear my throat. "Should we head inside, Commander?"</p><p>Cullen blinks as though being plucked from his thoughts and nods. "Of course. After you, Herald."</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. A Way Forward</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A messenger arrives that afternoon with news of Tevinter mercenaries gathering on the Storm Coast. A member of a group named The Bulls Chargers. The leader, The Iron Bull, had hopes of impressing the Inquisition and being hired on. With still no agreement on whether to approach the mages or the templars, I decide to make the journey north to meet this Iron Bull.</p><p>The Storm Coast is a wild, wet, and windy place. It makes the rest of Ferelden looks like a paradise. We meet the Chargers by the seaside and together we take down the mercenaries with satisfying precision. I am impressed immediately by their skill and their leader's brute strength. Even after he admits to being a double agent working for the Qun, I feel sure that he and his men would be brilliant additions to the Inquisition. Cassandra is not so sure and questions me on the decision, but I manage to persuade her by reminding her of how impressed she had been when Bull split a Tevinter in half with his great axe. She has little in the way of an argument after that.</p><p>A raven from Leliana arrives the day before we are due to return to Haven, telling of a lone Grey Warden said to be in the Hinterlands. Considering the continued hunt for the Wardens, she suggests finding him and questioning him about their disappearance. And so, we pack up our camp the following morning, and with the Chargers in tow, we make our way southward to find this Warden.</p><p>We find Blackwall easily enough and, to my surprise, he offers to join the Inquisition and give us access to his treaties.</p><p>Whilst in the Hinterlands, we catch wind of some strange happenings in Redcliffe and with a raven to Haven, it was decided to go ahead with the meeting with Grand Enchanter Fiona. After two days of waiting to hear from Redcliffe, we eventually are granted entry. However, at the gate we encounter a fade rift, but it was unlike any we have encountered before. It seems as though this one alters time around itself.</p><p>We learn that a Tevinter magister has taken command of the rebel mages, sworn over to him by the Grand Enchanter herself, who also claims never to have come to Val Royeaux and extend an invitation to talk.</p><p>After a brief negotiation with this Magister Gereon Alexius, we find ourselves in the Redcliffe chantry meeting with another Tevinter mage named Dorian Pavus, and the magister's own son Felix, who both bring to our attention the reality of time magic.</p><p>I leave the encounter in the chantry with my mind reeling. Time magic. Tevinter enslaving my fellow mages. An unknown Elder One. Nothing makes sense, and nothing sounds good.</p><p>And then, with two new companions at my back, and a newfound fear in my heart, we make the final leg of the journey back to Haven.</p><p>Laughter fills the tavern, drinks clinking and endless chatter swirling around me like streams of white noise. Varric insisted on welcoming our newest additions to the Inquisition family by holding a private party. The Chargers were more than happy for the free drinks, but none more so than Bull who drank a man's worth of ale within the first hour. Despite his size, I admit I did not expect him to hold his liquor so well. Even Varric was easily out matched.</p><p>Blackwall seemed a little less enthusiastic about the party, but with a few tankards in him he now sits across from Varric laughing at the dwarf's hilarious tales.</p><p>At some point the games of Wicked Grace began and I lost a good amount of gold to both Varric and Bull. Blackwall won one game and then sat the rest out. Sera tried to compete with Bull in drinking and is now passed out on a chair in the corner.</p><p>"Someone should probably carry her to her tent," Blackwall says as he eyes her.</p><p>I glance over at Bull. "This is your doing."</p><p>He holds up his hands defensively. "Hey, she started it."</p><p>I roll my eyes at him. "You encouraged her."</p><p>"So did everyone else. I do believe the running bet was a silver a piece. Some of my men lost some decent money tonight."</p><p>There are a few grumbles around us, and I laugh. "Honestly as long as I've known her, she's been horrible with her liquor. I don't know how anyone thought she could win that."</p><p>"Some people like an underdog," Blackwall says with a sigh and a half smile. He downs the last of his ale and rises to his feet. "I'll carry her out. This was...interesting. Night everyone."</p><p>We all watch as he heaves the sleeping elf over his shoulder and then disappears out the door. Bull and Varric share a good laugh over it when he is gone.</p><p>Glancing down into my own tankard I find I still have half my drink left. My head is already spinning, and I know I will have a headache in the morning for sure. I could push it aside and call it a night, but I know I would not hear the end of that. So, I force it down at a steady pace, wincing at the burning in my throat as I swallow.</p><p>When it is gone, I slam the tankard onto the table and rise groggily to my feet. The world spins and then tumbles backwards. I grasp onto the table to stop myself falling backwards with it.</p><p>Varric leans towards me as if he might catch me. "You alright, Goldie? You don't look so good."</p><p>"Yeah, boss. Maybe that last one wasn't such a good idea." Bull looks equally as concerned.</p><p>I brush off their concerns and attempt to pull on my jacket, losing my arms in the mass of the fur, unsure which arm hole is which. After a moment it seems to work out and I pull my plait from it, draping it over my shoulder.</p><p>"I'm fine," I slur, offering a wink that only makes them both frown harder. "Oh, hush. You two enjoy yourselves. I'm off to bed." I reach for my coin purse and shove it into my pocket before turning towards the door.</p><p>Stepping out into the cold night air I feel myself sober the slightest bit. Despite the icy wind I continue to struggle with my steps. It is then that I notice the fresh layer of snow on the ground. It must have snowed whilst we were in the tavern.</p><p>I am unsure what the hour is, but it must be late because there is no one about. That is a relief to me as there is thankfully no one around to witness my aimless stumbling.</p><p>At the top of the steps that lead down the lower section of Haven, I pause and steady myself against a post. The ground is particularly slippery with the fresh snow.</p><p>I can see my hut from here, but something tells me these steps are going to be a challenge. I groan, fantasizing about the cosy warmth of my bed.</p><p>"Herald?"</p><p>The sudden voice startles me, and I nearly lose my footing. A hand catches my elbow and steadies me.</p><p>I turn quickly to see two familiar faces. One is eyeing me curiously, while the other is frowning with concern.</p><p>"Are you alright?" Cullen asks, then his frown deepens when he realizes my state.</p><p>Rylen chuckles. "Someone had one too many ales, by the look of it."</p><p>I offer a wry smile, fully aware of Cullen's hand that still holds my arm. "More like eight too many."</p><p>"Eight?" Rylen laughs. "Now that I would like to see."</p><p>"I'll send you an invite next time," I slur with a lopsided smile.</p><p>Cullen shakes his head at us. "This is hardly the kind of thing to joke about." He looks down at me with an intensity that makes my heart pound. "You should have at least had someone walk you to your hut. This snow is dangerous. You could have been seriously injured."</p><p>My smile fades and I frown back up at him. "I have legs of my own, Commander. I am more than capable of using them."</p><p>For a moment I could swear he glances down. But that moment is incredibly brief because then he is sighing and turns to Rylen. "Go ahead and light the fire in the Herald's hut if you would. I will try to sober her a little out here."</p><p>Rylen glances over at me, then with a final chuckle he nods. "I can do that. Can't let the lady go cold." He descends the steps and disappears towards my hut.</p><p>I swallow hard against the butterflies in my stomach, my mind reeling over the hand on my arm and the sudden aloneness of Cullen and I.</p><p>The hand guides me gently to a nearby crate. Cullen brushes away the snow on top of it and then signals for me to take a seat. I obey and feel a pang of disappointment when his hand finally releases its hold on me.</p><p>There is a long silence during which Cullen stands stoically with his hand resting on his blade, eyes cast upward to the stars above. I find myself unable to resist staring over at him. Even in the dim moonlight he looks beautiful. Majestic even. All I can think about is his eyes, his mouth, his hands.</p><p>My eyes drop to the ground in front of me. I really need to get these feelings in check. The alcohol is surely not helping.</p><p>"It isn't my business, but are you alright?"</p><p>When I look up my eyes meet Cullen's and my breath catches. There is such a mix of emotions woven in them that it is almost overwhelming.</p><p>When I do not answer he sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "I apologize. It really isn't my business."</p><p>I offer a gentle smile. "No, it's okay. I appreciate your concern. But yes, I am alright."</p><p>Cullen analyses my smile but does not appear satisfied with my answer. "I thought perhaps the drinking was related to the Inquisition and the pressure you are under."</p><p>I laugh softly. "Maybe it is sometimes, but no I'm not really much of a drinker. This was just my poor judgement. It is easy to forget how many drinks I've had when drinking with people like Varric and Bull. You should have seen Sera. I would not like to be her in the morning."</p><p>There is a flash of amusement in his eyes, but then it is smothered by one of his signature frowns. "This is perhaps not the best time to say it, but I read the report on the mages. I am sorry for what has happened."</p><p>There is an ache in my heart at the reminder of what happened in Redcliffe. "Cassandra was right, they are desperate. I wish we could have reached out to them sooner."</p><p>There is sympathy in his eyes. "No one was to know that they would hand themselves over to Tevinter as they did. It is not your fault."</p><p>I smile unevenly, not really feeling the gesture as much as forcing it. "I appreciate it, Commander. I feel a little better now that I have had time to process it." Perhaps the bottom of several tankards was not the best place to find my thoughts, but it has helped a little.</p><p>"Still, you are the Herald. I think it would be wise to limit your drinks."</p><p>A long sigh escapes me then and I lean backwards on the crate, resting against my arms. "Because I represent the Inquisition and I must set the example for our followers. Yeah, I've heard that one before."</p><p>"Josephine?"</p><p>"Josephine, Cassandra, Leliana, Solas...you." My eyes move to the stars, surprised that they are so clear tonight despite the Breach. "The First Enchanter used those lines on me too. As her student I was the standard for all of the apprentices." My mind wonders to those final days before I left the Circle for the Conclave. To Gabriel and our night on the balcony. "I have been a nobleman's daughter, an apprentice on a pedestal, and now the Herald of Andraste. I have lived my entire life setting an example for others. I know my duty."</p><p>When I meet Cullen's eyes again, I can see a small smile on his handsome lips. The sight is phenomenal, and I find myself wondering what he tastes like.</p><p>Someone clears their throat and we both break eye contact to see Rylen standing at the top of the steps, a smirk on his lips.</p><p>"The fire is ready for you, Herald."</p><p>Cullen clears his throat and steps towards Rylen. "We will continue our discussion tomorrow. I have to return to the chantry now, but if you would walk the Herald to her hut on your way to your tent, that would be appreciated. I would rather not wake in the morning to learn that she fell off the outer wall." There is more than a hint of humour in his tone and despite the groan I let out, I also find myself smiling.</p><p>"I'll make sure she gets to her hut safely, Cullen," Rylen chuckles. He turns to me and offers me his arm. "My lady."</p><p>I take his arm gleefully, still high from Cullen's smile and light-hearted teasing. As Rylen begins to guide me towards the steps, I turn back to Cullen who is turning towards the chantry.</p><p>"Thank you, Commander."</p><p>Cullen pauses, perhaps not expecting me to say anything. He glances in my direction discreetly, a faint sparkle in his eye. "Goodnight, Herald."</p><p>Waking in time for the morning meeting is more trouble than expected. Varric comes by early and startles me as I am in the process of dressing myself.</p><p>"Just checking in to make sure you didn't wonder off into the mountains and get devoured by a wolf." I can hear the smile on his lips.</p><p>I groan and slide my arms into my robe. "You're hilarious, dwarf."</p><p>He chuckles. "Glad you made it home alright, Goldie. Though I have to wonder which was the greater miracle. That, or you walking out of the Fade at the Conclave."</p><p>Another groan. "If there wasn't a door between us, I would slap you right now. Besides, Cullen and Rylen found me before I could do anything stupid."</p><p>"Oh, so we're on first name basis with Curly now, are we?"</p><p>I run a frustrated hand down my face heavily. "Varric, I take back what I said about us being friends. I actually hate you."</p><p>Another chuckle. "Sure, sure, Goldie. Well you better hurry up. Cassandra came through here a while ago. Wouldn't want to keep Commander Loverboy waiting, would you?"</p><p>I pull open the door with enough force to send Varric back a few steps in shock. Then he laughs hysterically when he sees the look on my face.</p><p>"If you frown any harder your forehead will drop off!"</p><p>Slamming the door behind me, I push past him and begin towards the chantry at a steady jog. I am incredibly late; I already knew that.</p><p>All eyes are on me as I enter the war room. Cassandra is clearly unimpressed, Josephine looks concerned, Leliana has a smirk and Cullen is expressionless as usual. I avoid his gaze purposely. I really do not need to be further humiliated after last night. And the memories of his smile still bounce around my poor, aching head.</p><p>"We are glad you finally decided to join us, Herald." Cassandra's tone is as icy as her stare. Even after all this time working together and our heart to heart chats, she is still absolutely terrifying.</p><p>"I am so sorry," I apologize hurriedly. "I overslept. It won't happen again."</p><p>The widening smirk on Leliana's face tells me she knows the full details of the night before and it takes every ounce of my self-control to stop myself from groaning.</p><p>"Following the Herald's latest expedition, I do believe we have gained enough influence to discuss the templars and mages once again," Josephine says, beginning the meeting. "We must make a decision if we are to move forward."</p><p>My headache increases instantly with just the mention of this heated topic, and Cullen must have a similar predicament as he sighs and rubs his forehead with his hand.</p><p>"We all know each other's opinions on the matter. I suggest we put it to a vote and move past this once and for all." His voice is particularly low this morning, almost weak. I find myself eyeing him, unsure if he is unwell. By the paleness of his skin and the layer of sweat on his forehead, I am certain he must not be well at all.</p><p>"Are you alright, Commander?" The question leaves my mouth before I have a chance to consider it.</p><p>Cullen looks over at me abruptly and lowers his hand. "I, uh, yes, Herald. My apologies." He looks away, shame written over his face.</p><p>"Then we will vote," Leliana agrees, nodding once. "Those in favour of the templars."</p><p>Both Cullen and Cassandra raise their hands.</p><p>"And the mages."</p><p>Leliana, Josephine and I all raise our hands.</p><p>Cullen sighs again. "Then it is decided." The acid in his tone makes me wince. After our short talk the night before, I thought I came to know him a little better, but as he is now, I am reminded that I truly do not know him at all.</p><p>"Redcliffe is in the hands of a magister; this cannot be allowed to stand." Despite having voted for the templars, Cassandra does not seem at all opposed about dealing with the rebel mages.</p><p>"The letter we have received from Magister Alexius asks for the Herald of Andraste by name," Josephine continues. "It is an obvious trap."</p><p>I sigh. "It was always going to be dangerous. After what Felix had to say of his father, I expected as much. What did Alexius say?"</p><p>Leliana smirks. "He is so complimentary that we are certain he wishes to kill you."</p><p>"Wonderful."</p><p>Cullen steps forwards, his frown deeper than ever. "Redcliffe Castle is one of the most defensible fortresses in Ferelden. It has repelled thousands of assaults." His sharp eyes turn to me then, something guarded lurking behind them. "If you go in there you will die. And we will lose our only means of losing these rifts. I won't allow it."</p><p>My chest tightens at the coldness of his words. Is that how he sees me? I am worth no more to him than the mark on my hand? I bite the inside of my cheek to fight back tears and break away from his eye contact.</p><p>Leliana turns on him then. "And if we do not even try to reach Alexius, we lose the mages, and leave a hostile foreign power on our doorstep."</p><p>"Even if we could assault the keep, it would all be for nought." Josephine sighs. "An Orlesian Inquisition's army marching into Ferelden would provoke a war. Our hands are tied."</p><p>Cassandra groans. "The magister-"</p><p>"Has outplayed us," Cullen grumbles, cutting Cassandra off. His hand returning to his forehead.</p><p>I feel my frustration rising. Between Cullen's sudden dark mood, the idea of my fellow mages being enslaved and the problems we face in rescuing them, there is a burning anger in my chest.</p><p>"There must be something we can do!" I snap, stepping towards the table. "There must be another way. Can we contact the arl? Or find another way inside?"</p><p>Leliana joins me close to the table. "Wait. There is a secret passage into the castle. An escape route for the family. It's too narrow for our troops, but we could send agents through."</p><p>With a sigh, Cullen steps forwards to join us, eyes on the image of Redcliffe castle on the map between us. "It's too risky. Those agents will be discovered well before they reach the magister."</p><p>Leliana smiles knowingly. "That's why we need a distraction. Perhaps the envoy Alexius wants so badly."</p><p>Cullen frowns and glances in my direction. I do not meet his gaze, keeping my own on the map. "Focus his attention on Trevelyan while we take out the Tevinters. It's risky, but it could work."</p><p>The sound of my name from his lips makes me shiver. Until now I have never heard him say it. I have always been Herald or prisoner.</p><p>The door behind me bursts open and I jump to the side. A man walks inside and takes a place beside me, smiling brilliantly at me, dark eyes sparkling.</p><p>"Fortunately, you'll have help."</p><p>I blink over at him. "Dorian?"</p><p>He winks. "Hello again, dear lady."</p><p>A soldier enters behind him. "This man says he has information about the magister and his methods, Commander."</p><p>The look that Cullen gives Dorian is a mixture of fire and ice. But Dorian simply smiles in return, the perfect example of his character.</p><p>"Your spies will never get past Alexius' magic without my help. So, if you're going after him, I'm coming along."</p><p>"Are you sure you want to do this, Dorian?"</p><p>My question makes him laugh. "I am the one who brought you into this. I am more than certain."</p><p>Cullen turns to me. "This plan puts you in the most danger. Are you certain you want to do this?" There is a softness in his voice that was not there before.</p><p>I meet his gaze this time, confident in my decision. "I am certain. I will have my friends with me. I could not be in safer hands." I glance over at Dorian who beams brightly back at me. "And I trust Dorian."</p><p>The Tevinter guffaws. "Now that is something I was not expecting to hear in this lifetime." His eyes twinkle at me affectionately. "I will keep you safe, my dear. You have my word."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Complications</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My dreams are dark, distorted, and etched with the haunting sights of bodies twisted by red lyrium. The dark future that Dorian and I had encountered inside of Redcliffe Castle haunts me both in my dreams and in my waking hours. So much death, I can still smell it on me even now after we have returned to Haven.</p><p>I startle awake from another horrible nightmare and find myself covered in a thick layer of sweat, gasping for air. My eyes scan the empty hut around me and find no trace of the horrors from my dream. I let out a long breath, begging my racing heart to calm itself.</p><p>Birds chirp outside my window, signaling to me that it will be sunrise soon. There is little point to me trying to get more sleep. So instead of fighting it, I climb from my bed and prepare myself for the day ahead.</p><p>I take a stroll along the path outside of Haven, allowing the cold breeze to wash away any of the demons that might remain lurking in the shadows of my mind. I pass by the training yards and the soldiers' tents, Cullen's face crossing my mind in flashes mixed with his smile and then his frown. And then I hear those words again, telling me that I am nothing but the mark on my hand. My heart sinks into the snow beneath my feet and I press further along the pathway, desperate to get away.</p><p>I have not spoken to the Commander since that meeting, apart from a few lines of business in the debrief yesterday. I can remember the warmth in his eyes when I entered the war room, but nothing could erase the coldness that had been in them before I left for Redcliffe. So, I had done my best to push him from my mind, never making eye contact again.</p><p>I shake my head. I need to put him out of my mind. It is clear that whatever feelings I may have for him; he does not feel the same about me. My duty is to the Inquisition. I cannot let one man distract me from that. I have a purpose here. I have freed the mages from Tevinter's grasp, given them their freedom as our allies, and earned the Inquisition the alliance they needed to seal the Breach.</p><p>I pause on the pathway and turn back to look up at the Breach that continues to consume the sky. It feels as though all of this is coming to an end. In a few days we will march up that mountain and seal the hole in the sky. With the Breach no longer a threat, the Inquisition will have no use for me any longer.</p><p>There is an ache in my chest at the thought. A mixture of sadness and confusion. Where will I go then? I have nowhere that I call home. I suppose I could always return to the Circle, but with the painful memories of all that happened there, I do not think I could bear to do that.</p><p>There is always Ostwick. Winterthorne Estate, my family home. But that is no place for me. Not after what those people did to me.</p><p>I wrap my arms around myself, pulling my jacket tighter around my body. The sun has risen slightly now, lighting the sky with pinks and oranges. It is such a beautiful place here. Each day that I am here I feel myself growing more attached to it. If ever there was a place that I consider a home, it is Haven.</p><p>Tears stream down my face. I think to wipe them away, ashamed of my own emotions, but I stop myself. Crying has never been something I do often, but right now it is what I need. And so, I let the tears fall, giving in to my sorrow, my body trembling with sobs.</p><p>The sun has risen fully by the time I calm enough to think properly again. I do not return to Haven for some time, however. I wipe away the remnants of my tears and wander into the trees in search of elfroot. If I am out here I ought to gather something useful.</p><p>I fill my pockets and begin the walk back to Haven, my face still sore and puffy from my tears. I tried to wash it away with some melted snow, but it did little to help. So, I accepted the hideous state of myself and decided to head back regardless.</p><p>As I approach the gate to enter Haven, I hear footsteps hurriedly coming to catch up to me from behind. I turn to find Rylen there, smiling brightly at me until he notices the puffiness under my eyes and his smile changes instantly to concern.</p><p>"My lady, are you alright?" He takes a step towards me.</p><p>I rub my face with an icy hand and force a smile. "Oh this? I am fine, Rylen. Just needed to get that out of my system."</p><p>He does not look convinced, but he nods and offers a warm smile. "Even the Herald of Andraste is allowed to feel overwhelmed sometimes. It does you no good to hold onto that stuff."</p><p>The smile on my face is genuine then. I should know Rylen would understand. He always does.</p><p>His eyes find the elfroot protruding from my jacket pockets and he laughs. "I see you've been busy. Taking that to Adan, are you?"</p><p>I nod, blushing mildly with embarrassment at the thought of what a crazy mess I must look like right now.</p><p>Rylen laughs again. "Even when you're having a breakdown you're thinking about others. You're a special woman, Lady Herald."</p><p>The compliment takes me off guard, even more so when matched with the intensity of Rylen's gaze. I had not expected either of them, and I feel a knot form in my stomach as well as the sudden pounding of my heart. There is little doubt to me what those words and eyes mean.</p><p>I find myself breaking eye contact, suddenly all kinds of flustered and confused. I believe Rylen might have feelings for me. I feel a little sick to my stomach. What is worse than him being Cullen's friend and second-in-command, is that I am not entirely upset by it. Part of me is screaming with excitement.</p><p>"I can walk with you, if you like," Rylen offers, unaware of my sudden inner turmoil.</p><p>I swallow down my panic and try to shove those thoughts away. With what is to come in the next few days, I cannot afford to let myself be caught up on these things. But I do not want to lose my friend.</p><p>So, I accept Rylen's offer and we walk together through Haven in silence. His arm brushes against my own at one point, sending a searing heat of embarrassment through my entire body and I find myself putting more space between us.</p><p>When we reach Adan's hut we pause at the door. All I have to do is thank Rylen and send him on his way, but something makes me hesitate and instead my words just fall from me.</p><p>"Would you be interested in joining me for some drinks later?" As soon as I ask, I want to slap myself.</p><p>There is clear surprise on his face for a moment, but then he smiles. "I think I'd enjoy that."</p><p>I swallow down my nerves, lost somewhere between panic and happiness. "Oh, uh, alright. Um, we usually meet for dinner, so if you come by the tavern then, you'll find me at the centre table."</p><p>"I look forward to it." He bows and then with another smile, he makes his way back down the path we came from, the slightest bounce in his step.</p><p>When I emerge from Adan's hut, the sun is descending towards the horizon. I had not kept track of time having enjoyed the company of several new alchemists that have joined the Inquisition since we recruited the rebel mages. Having fresh eyes and voices in the hut made for an entertaining day. I learned many new things and was able to pass on some of my own knowledge. I had not realized how much I miss my studies.</p><p>Dorian appears in the doorway of his hut, balancing several bottles of unmarked liquor in both hands and struggling to close the door behind him. He freezes when he sees me and offers a charming smile.</p><p>"Wouldn't mind helping me with the door, would you dear Herald?"</p><p>I chuckle and move to close it for him. "What in Andraste's name are you doing with all those bottles?"</p><p>"I've been invited to your little drinking night by Varric," he says as we begin to make our way towards the tavern. "Maker forgive me, but I'll not be caught dead drinking the druffalo piss they call ale here in Ferelden. So, I got my hands on some of Tevinter's finest whiskey. You can thank me later." With a wink we push into the tavern and find Bull, Varric and Sera already seated at the table.</p><p>Varric spies the bottles in Dorian's arms and he chuckles. "Sparkler, anyone would think you don't like Ferelden ale."</p><p>Dorian snorts as we seat ourselves. "Then they would be correct. Just because I am forced to live like a southern savage, does not mean I ought to drink like one."</p><p>I cannot hold in my laugh and Dorian glances over at Varric smugly as though having made his point. He then calls for some glasses and begins to pour out the drinks.</p><p>"Flissa is giving us some very pointed looks this evening," Varric notes. "I believe this supply-your-own-premium-whiskey business has dampened our flawless customer reputation."</p><p>Dorian shrugs and pushes the glasses to each of us. "She will have to get used to it or start serving proper alcohol."</p><p>Glancing at the only empty chair left at the table, I find myself wondering if Rylen will actually show up. As time passes, I begin to doubt it, but then the tavern door opens and he steps inside, his short brown curls glowing in the golden light of the sunset behind him. His eyes scan the room before locking onto mine. Then with his signature smile, he comes over to greet us.</p><p>Immediately I can feel Varric's eyes on me as I stand to greet my friend. I make a point of ignoring him and offer the empty seat to Rylen with a smile.</p><p>"And who is this handsome fellow?" Dorian coos, eyeing Rylen with a twinkle in his eye.</p><p>Rylen chuckles and nods his greetings to everyone. "Knight-Captain Rylen, at your service. Pleasure to meet you all."</p><p>"Knight-Captain?" Dorian is intrigued. "As in templar?"</p><p>"Former, actually. And yes. I served in Starkhaven before joining the Inquisition."</p><p>"You're Cullen's second, aren't you?" Bull asks, leaning forwards with interest.</p><p>Rylen nods, his expression never faltering. If he is overwhelmed by the endless questions, he is not showing it. "I am. I train the troops, lead important military missions, and look after the soldiers and supply lines."</p><p>I find myself eyeing Rylen with admiration. I had not known his duties were so vast and so important. I knew he worked under Cullen, but I did not know it was so much work and responsibility.</p><p>"Impressive," Varric chimes, pointed glances still coming my way. "Our Herald seems to have many very important friends."</p><p>It takes all of my strength not to dive over the table and strangle him. Instead I give him a glare that only makes him beam back at me.</p><p>"Well, our Herald is a very important person herself. It is only natural." Rylen meets my gaze, the hint of a flirtation in his eyes. While it does not send shivers down my spine the way Cullen's smile did, I still find my heart beginning to race a little. I have to admit, Rylen is an incredibly attractive man. In the way Cullen is radiant and elegant in a masculine way, Rylen is dark, rough, and hardened. His skin is darkened by sunlight and he has many scars. For a moment, I find myself drawn to him.</p><p>Realizing that our gazes have met for too long to appear casual, I break eye contact abruptly and take a large mouthful of the whiskey Dorian poured for me. Instantly I regret it. My throat burns like fire and I find myself coughing.</p><p>"Maker's breath!" I gasp between coughs. "Is this pure alcohol?"</p><p>Dorian smiles mischievously and takes a sip of his own drink. "Not quite, but close enough. You are not supposed to shot it, my dear. If you want to down drinks mindlessly, I suggest you talk to Flissa. I am sure she has some tasteless garbage that would suit."</p><p>With the thoughts that are bouncing around in my mind right now I feel as though I need a couple of shots. But I do not say that out loud, instead I take another less enthusiastic mouthful of whiskey, this time prepared for the burn.</p><p>Dinner comes not long after that and the drinks flow as easily as they always do. After dinner Varric breaks out the cards and I am surprised to find that Rylen is actually pretty decent at Wicked Grace. Even with Bull and Varric's obvious cheating, he still manages to win a fair number of games.</p><p>Unable to keep up with the whiskey, I opt to change to ale as it is the drink I have become accustomed to. I am grateful when I take my first sip and it does not burn my throat.</p><p>Over the course of the following few hours, Rylen and I meet gazes a number of times and each time I find myself noticeably more interested in him. His effortless ability to just become part of the group is remarkable. He has never been introduced to my companions as far as I am aware, yet he jokes with them as though they are old friends. They treat him no differently than they do one another. I find it intriguing and incredibly attractive.</p><p>At some point in the evening, Varric leans into my ear.</p><p>"I see you're quite the heartbreaker, Goldie. Can't say I saw that coming."</p><p>I frown over at him. "Mind your own business, Varric."</p><p>Expecting him to laugh and leave me alone, it comes as a surprise when he frowns back at me, his usually casual expression turning serious. "I hope you know what you're doing, Goldie. Be kind to Curly. He's a good guy."</p><p>Despite his seriousness, I snort childishly in response. "He could have fooled me."</p><p>Varric sighs. "You two were always going to have a rough start with the whole mage-templar business. Give him a chance."</p><p>"I did!" I realize my voice is raised and quickly lower it, leaning closer to him. "I was stupid for even thinking he could be interested in someone like me."</p><p>Varric raises an eyebrow at me. "You're the Herald, and more than that, you're Astri Trevelyan. Of course he would be interested in you."</p><p>"Telling me I am worth no more than the mark on my hand doesn't qualify as affectionate."</p><p>He sighs and mumbles something under his breath that I cannot understand. "Alright, just don't do anything you'll regret." He offers a smile and then the conversation is over.</p><p>Varric's confrontation puzzles me for a while after that. I know he is only looking out for me because he cares, but he should know me well enough by now to know that I would not do anything to hurt others. Not that any of this matters in regards to Cullen, because he made it very clear how little I mean to him. My crush on him was a bad idea from the start.</p><p>The night passes with endless laughs and a lot of drinks. Even Bull is looking on the tipsy side when I finally decide that it is getting late. I rise to my feet when another round of Wicked Grace comes to an end, pushing aside the remainder of my drink. I paced myself tonight, but I know already that I have passed beyond the tipsy stage. It would be silly to push myself and finish it off.</p><p>Rylen sees me stand and decides it is also his time to leave. We say our goodbyes and with one last glance at Varric who wears a slight frown, we leave the tavern.</p><p>It is yet another cold night in Haven, but thankfully there has been no snow fall tonight.</p><p>"I hope they weren't too overbearing," I say as we walk. "I know they can be loud and very opinionated."</p><p>Rylen chuckles, eyes on the stars above us. "Not at all. They're a lively bunch for sure, but the best people are."</p><p>I find myself smiling in response. So, he had not been faking when he laughed at their jokes. Somehow that surprises me.</p><p>As we walk, I feel a chill creeping up my spine and I pull my jacket around me. Reaching my hut, I turn to face Rylen, unsure what to say but with the intention of thanking him for coming tonight. But when I turn, I find his eyes on me, filled with an intensity that makes my heart race.</p><p>"I, uh, had a good night. I'm glad you decided to join us." My voice is softer than I had expected and a little strained. It is hard for me to concentrate with the way he is looking at me.</p><p>He smiles, his blue eyes shining bright in the moonlight. "I appreciate the invite. It was fun." His eyes trail down my body then and I feel my cheeks reddening. "It's cold out, you should get inside and warm yourself."</p><p>There is a pang of disappointment in my chest that I was not expecting. "Oh, um, well the fire went out last night so I'm not expecting much of a temperature difference." And that is the truth. I have no idea how to light fires since it has never been something I have had to do before. It has always been the duty of a servant. I am about to say as much, but I stop myself. It makes me sound like a spoiled noblewoman.</p><p>Rylen's smile turns into a smirk and he laughs softly. "I see. Well, I can get that going again for you, if you like."</p><p>I chew the inside of my cheek, my head spinning with all kinds of suggestive thoughts. "If you could I'd appreciate it. I'm not very good with fires."</p><p>He nods and signals to the door. "Then I am at your service, Lady Herald." He holds open the door for me, letting me enter first. The closeness of him as I pass makes me shiver.</p><p>As Rylen moves to the hearth and begins to arrange wood, I stand awkwardly in the centre of the hut, unsure what to do or what to say. I just watch his back as he kneels to start the fire.</p><p>I glance around my hut, very aware that we are alone in my small makeshift home. There are clothes and my armour strewn about the place. It is not particularly tidy, and I feel a bit self-conscious about it.</p><p>There is a small flash of light and Rylen begins to add some smaller pieces of wood to the tiny flicker of flame. He did that so effortlessly. He tends to it for a few more moments before he clears his throat and rises to his feet. Turning to face me he meets my eyes, a smirk on his face.</p><p>"Now, I'm not usually one to call a lady out on a bluff, but it occurred to me that you're a mage and mages know magic." He glances over his shoulder at the hearth. "And I believe there's more than one spell for that."</p><p>The colour drains from my face. Truly I had not even thought of that, not even last night as I lay in bed shivering to sleep. Am I really that entitled that I did not even consider my own abilities?</p><p>Rylen laughs heartily at the look on my face. "I didn't mean nothing by it, Herald."</p><p>I close my eyes and let out a long breath. "I am so stupid."</p><p>He laughs again, this time it is closer, however. When I open my eyes, he is little more than a step away from me. I panic at the sudden closeness and begin to step backwards, but his hand reaches for me and pulls me to him. Holding me close to him, a finger pushes lose hairs away from my face. His blue eyes have darkened as they trail the curves of my face.</p><p>Before I can stop myself, I press my lips to his. His response is immediate, hands pulling me into him and his mouth enveloping mine. The heat between us is intoxicating and even as my mind screams at me to stop, my body will not allow it. It feels like an eternity since someone kissed me, since someone touched me. I had not realized how badly I craved it.</p><p>But then it stops. Rylen pulls away, gasping for air. He looks down at me with a slightly pained expression.</p><p>"I'm not the one you want."</p><p>His words cut through me like a blade. Not because I do not understand them and feel rejected, but because they are the truth. My mind had been screaming it to me but the rest of me had tried to block it out. Now, with this small distance between us, I know going any further is not a good idea.</p><p>I step out of his arms and cover my face with my hands, groaning at my own stupidity. Slumping down onto the edge of my bed, I wish I could slip into the shadows and disappear forever.</p><p>Rylen laughs despite the complete mess of a situation. "Don't get me wrong, my lady, I would be more than happy to fulfill that need, but I saw the two of you that night."</p><p>I frown, recalling the night that he and Cullen had found me stumbling through the snow completely intoxicated. "It's not what you think-" I begin, but he cuts me off.</p><p>"I know you think he hates you, but that's not it at all." He kneels down in front of me, forcing me to look at him. "He respects you, like we all do. Sure, you have your differences, but if anything, he's intimidated by you. And I can't blame the fellow. You are damn intimidating. Even for a small lass."</p><p>I squeeze my eyes closed, wishing myself away from here. "It doesn't matter. I don't care if he hates me. I would prefer it if he did. I won't be here much longer. I don't need all these complications."</p><p>Rylen frowns. "What do you mean you won't be here much longer?"</p><p>I hold up my left hand, signalling to the mark. "We close the Breach in three days. What use am I to the Inquisition when that's done?"<br/>Rylen takes my marked hand in his. "You're the Herald of Andraste. Everyone thinks she sent you to us in the name of the Maker."</p><p>I snort. "No, she didn't." I may have been raised in a strictly Andrastian family and I do have some belief in a higher power, but the thought of Andraste having chosen me has never made sense to me. I am a mage, of all things.</p><p>"Whether it's true or not doesn't matter. The people believe it. The Inquisition needs you."</p><p>I sigh and throw myself backwards onto the bed, suddenly desperately tired. Rylen rises to his feet and smiles warmly down at me.</p><p>"Get some rest, you'll feel better in the morning." He reaches for my marked hand once more and places a gentle kiss on the palm of it, right where the mark is. "I just want to say, in another life I wouldn't have walked away. Maker knows I want you. But I know when I've already lost. Sweet dreams, Lady Herald."</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. A Misunderstanding</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The following morning, I spend most of it curled up in my bed, lost in my chaotic thoughts. I mull over everything Varric said to me, and the things that Rylen told me. I try to piece it all together in my mind, but nothing makes sense. All I can think about is the Breach and what comes after. Rylen thinks I can remain with the Inquisition, but I cannot understand why. I suppose I could work with Adan and the other mages, but what for? And yet I have nowhere else to go.</p><p>Eventually these thoughts wear me down and I decide to push them aside and put myself to work for the day. Frustration fills me and I decide to seek out Solas for some magical training. It has been a while since we worked on my spells, it would be a nice change of pace. And I really, really need to smash something.</p><p>I dress myself, plait my hair, gather my jacket, and hurry off into the late morning daylight. I find Solas in his hut reading. He is surprised to see me but smiles despite it.</p><p>"Can I help you, Herald?"</p><p>I lean against the doorway, crossing my arms over my chest. "Feel like freezing something and doing damage?"</p><p>He raises an eyebrow at me and sets his book aside. "Having one of those days, are we?"</p><p>I glare back at him, clearly not wanting to discuss it.</p><p>He chuckles. "Of course. I'll meet you in the clearing outside of Haven after luncheon."</p><p>I nod my thanks and leave him to his book. Stopping by Adan's hut I inquire about any work, but he has none for me. With all the new alchemists he has little need of me, much to my disappointment.</p><p>Next, I knock on Dorian's door but get only a groan in response. I wonder what time he got to bed. Judging by the groan and the hour it must have been late.</p><p>Varric and Bull are nowhere to be found either. With a heavy sigh I slump down on a step in defeat. I consider trying to find Rylen, but after last night I am not sure I can ever face him again. With the sobriety of the morning I felt nothing but guilt and regret. That kiss should never have happened. Just thinking about it makes me want to crawl into a hole.</p><p>Someone approaches me then and I turn to find a servant bowing at me.</p><p>"Lady Herald, Lady Montiliyet wishes to see you in her office." And then the elvhen girl is gone.</p><p>I frown after her. Josephine wishes to speak with me? I rise to my feet and dust off my backside. Walking towards the chantry, I have a sudden sinking feeling. Something feels off.</p><p>I find Josephine at her desk. As I enter, she ushers Minaeve and her Tranquil assistant out the door. Now I begin to panic a little. This definitely does not bode well.</p><p>"Good morning, Lady Trevelyan," she says, her tone low and frantic. "I trust you slept well." She covers her mouth suddenly as though she said something she should not have said, her cheeks turning red.</p><p>I raise an eyebrow at her. "Is something the matter, Lady Montiliyet?"</p><p>The look of horror on her face suggests that something is wrong, but she is unsure how to tell me about it. After a moment longer she finally centres herself and begins. "It has been brought to my attention that you have begun an intimate relationship with a soldier. Now normally I would not be so brash in talking about such a thing so openly with you, risking your embarrassment, but as an integral member of the Inquisition, I cannot ignore it."</p><p>I listen to her ramble in complete confusion. An intimate relationship with a soldier? What in Andraste's name is she talking about?</p><p>"If you were anyone else, I would congratulate you and say nothing more, but as the Herald of Andraste, there are certain expectations placed upon you. As Andraste's chosen, you are not merely Astri Trevelyan, you belong to the people, to Andraste herself. I wish for you happiness, but as things are currently, anything that could disrupt the Inquisition's reputation must be handled with delicacy."</p><p>I hold my hand up to stop her there and she pauses, blinking at me in confusion.</p><p>"I apologize, Lady Montiliyet, but I am afraid I do not know what you are referring to. I am in no such relationship."</p><p>Josephine frowns, not sure how to respond. "But a servant saw a soldier enter your quarters last night and said he did not emerge for some time."</p><p>My face falls. Rylen. She means Rylen.</p><p>I groan and run a hand down my wrinkled-up face. "You mean Rylen."</p><p>Her eyes widen. "Knight-Captain Rylen? Cullen's man?"</p><p>I nod. "Yes, that Rylen. But whatever that servant thinks happened is completely wrong. My fire went out and I don't know how to start one, so I had Rylen do it for me since he walked me to my hut."</p><p>Josephine frowns. "You are a mage."</p><p>Oh great. Everyone else thinks of that right away when I clearly had not.</p><p>"I know."</p><p>She is very clearly not convinced. "Whatever happened, it does not matter. What matters that it should not happen again. All eyes are on you, Herald. This sort of thing could spell disaster for the Inquisition."</p><p>I might have continued to defend the misunderstanding had her words not insulted me so badly. Telling me what I can and cannot do, demanding that I put an end to whatever imagined relationship that I might be in. I am my own person. No one has the right to dictate such things to me.</p><p>"I am sorry, Lady Montiliyet, but whatever happens in my personal life is my business and mine alone. If I had slept with Rylen, which I absolutely did not, then it would not be for you to chastise me on it like I am some bratty little child."</p><p>Josephine turns as pale as snow, clearly upset by my sudden outburst. "Lady Trevelyan, I did not mean to insult you."</p><p>I grind my teeth to hold in whatever else I might have said.</p><p>At that moment Leliana enters the room, drawn in by the sound of my shouting judging by the concerned look on her face. She frowns when she notices the colour of Josephine's face and my fuming rage.</p><p>"What in Andraste's name is going on in here?"</p><p>My fists clench and I let out a low growl. I really, really, really need to smash something!</p><p>Pushing past Leliana I begin to storm out of the chantry. Leliana and Josephine hurry after me.</p><p>"Herald!" Josephine calls after me.</p><p>I pause a moment and turn back to her, my anger building once again. "Leave it, Josephine!" I yell back to her. "And for the last time; I did not sleep with Rylen!" When I turn to leave, I find Cullen standing in the doorway of the chantry, eyes wide and on me. Beside him is Rylen who is equally as shocked by what they are witnessing.</p><p>Maker save me! I bury my face in my hands and run past both of them, desperate to be anywhere but here.</p><p>After blowing off steam with Solas during our training session, I retreat directly into my hut and bar the door with a chair so as not to allow anyone to just wander in. I have no desire to speak with anyone. After the scene in the chantry I am certain I never want to see anyone ever again.</p><p>I feel all kinds of embarrassed, ashamed, and horrified. The accusation of having slept with Rylen, the shouting at poor Josephine who truly had not deserved it, and then encountering Cullen and Rylen after shouting and denying it all.</p><p>Ugh. I shove my head into my pillow for the thousandth time. I should have asked Solas to turn me into a horse, or perhaps a nug. Yes, a nug would be a great disguise. I deserve to live out the rest of my life as a floppy-eared butt-naked rodent. I feel enough like one right now so it would almost be poetic at this point.</p><p>There is a knock at the door and my immediate response is to tell them to go away.</p><p>"Is that the way to talk to your favourite Tevinter mage?"</p><p>I sigh. "Dorian, I really am not in the mood right now."</p><p>"I know, my dear. I heard what happened. Sounds like you've had a rough day." A pause. "And night."</p><p>I groan. "I didn't sleep with him!"</p><p>"No need to get defensive, dear, it was only a joke. I hear your Knight-Captain made quite the case in your favour. Right in front of your Commander. It was apparently quite touching, and scandalous."</p><p>"That's it," I wail, completely and utterly giving up on my existence. "Maker strike me down now. I don't want to do this anymore."</p><p>"Oh, hush and let me in. I brought you a gift." I hesitate too long because Dorian appears in the window pouting dramatically. "Let me in, damn it."</p><p>Groaning, I drag my sorry person to the door, kick aside the chair and then dive back into bed, enveloping myself in my covers.</p><p>Dorian enters, replacing the chair in front of the door. Turning to the bed he frowns. "Now I could have sworn there was a hostile mage girl in here somewhere, but it appears the bed has swallowed her up. Such a shame."</p><p>Despite my misery I cannot help but smile. When I peek over my blankets at him, he is holding a bottle of his Tevinter whiskey and two glasses. He smiles brightly.</p><p>"Care for a drink?"</p><p>The day passes quickly, and we finish the bottle of whiskey in the afternoon, prompting Dorian to retrieve another. He also returned with some food which I was thankful for as I have not eaten at all today. It is a nice change to spend the day doing nothing and just gossiping with a friend. I have not had people like this in my life before now. Friends make a world of difference.</p><p>"You know there will likely be some rumours about you and I now that I have spent the day in here," Dorian says with a smirk.</p><p>I sigh, knowing full well he is right. But right at this moment, I cannot seem to care, though I know I should.</p><p>"I really need to go see Josephine," I say sadly. Laying on my back on my bed, my eyes scan the ceiling endlessly. I think I have memorized all of the patterns up there by now. I have been staring up at it for most of the afternoon.</p><p>Dorian nods, swirling his whiskey around in his glass. "Yes, you should. You gave the poor woman quite the fright."</p><p>"I know. I did not mean to. I was just so frustrated." I roll onto my stomach and gaze into the fire as it flickers in the hearth. "I haven't been sleeping well since Redcliffe. I guess that just put me in a pretty bad place mentally. Everything just keeps snowballing, and I don't know what to do, or how to deal with it all."</p><p>Dorian sips from his glass and then sets it aside. He leans forwards, meeting my eyes steadily. "You have been through hell and back, you walked out of the Fade, travelled forwards in time and witnessed the destruction of the world, you carry the weight of the Inquisition on your shoulders and you still get out of bed and face each and every day as best you can. You are an incredibly strong and wise person. So, you had a little outburst. If that is what you need to keep yourself going, then go for it. Maybe don't target the dear ambassador next time, or do it so publicly, but you let it out if you need to. Scream at me if you want. Just no punches. Not on my face, at least."</p><p>I laugh softly. "Thank you, Dorian."</p><p>He nods once and sits back in his chair, taking up his glass once again. "Now let's finish these drinks. You have an apology to make."</p><p>The chantry is dark, lit only by a handful of flickering sconces. The sun has only freshly set, so I am certain Josephine will be in her office working hard as she always is.</p><p>I hesitate at her door, gathering my strength and pride that have abandoned me for most of the day. I still feel gut wrenchingly awful for having yelled at her. I should not have lost my temper so easily. But Dorian was right, I had so much pent up frustration that it just needed to escape. Unfortunately, Josephine caught the brunt of it.</p><p>I knock softly, my nerves still getting the best of me. But she must have heard it because I hear her voice from within.</p><p>"Come in."</p><p>I let out a long, shaking breath and push open the door. Stepping inside I find Josephine at her desk. She is alone, the dark circles under her eyes an indicator of a particularly tedious day.</p><p>When she sees me there is panic in her eyes. The sight of it makes me ill with guilt.</p><p>"Herald, I-" She begins to rise to her feet, fumbling about at everything without real purpose.</p><p>I raise my hands defensively. "It's okay, I promise I am not here to yell."</p><p>She hesitates but gathers herself and sits back down.</p><p>I offer as warm a smile as I can, given the twisting and churning of my stomach. "I am so, so sorry for what happened earlier, Lady Montiliyet. My behaviour was absolutely deplorable. I should never have made such a scene and targeted you like I did. I-" I hesitate, unsure how much of my inner demons I should tell her of. I want her to understand me but telling her everything may only cause more harm than good. After all, she was right. I am the Herald of Andraste. I am not just some random mage anymore.</p><p>"I am so sorry for having confronted you as I did," Josephine says, eyes pleading. "I was so flustered and embarrassed and worried over a rumour that I approached the subject very poorly. I do not blame you for being upset."</p><p>I sigh and approach her desk, my smile more genuine than before. "You need not apologize. Regardless, I should not have snapped. I...I have not been sleeping well, you see. After Redcliffe. And with this whole Herald business, I have been a little overwhelmed. There is no excuse for how childish I acted, but those are the reasons for it."</p><p>Josephine's expression turns understanding. "I had no idea. Is there anything I can do to help, Herald?"</p><p>I laugh a sigh. "Would you consider calling me Astri?"</p><p>She blinks, not having expected that. But then she smiles. "I, uh, can try, Herald...Astri."</p><p>My laugh is hearty. "I appreciate it. It may not seem like much, but Herald this, Herald that. It is tiring."</p><p>She laughs softly too. "I can understand that. Well then, call me Josephine. Or Josie."</p><p>I nod once, appreciative of her warmth. "Very well, Josie." I pause a moment. "So, this rumour. Do you now believe that it is only just a rumour?"</p><p>She nods, her cheeks reddening a little. "Yes, I do. Following your abrupt exit, Rylen made quite the point of it being so. I believe his words were 'As much as I would enjoy taking credit for them, the rumours are not true', or something along those lines."</p><p>I shake my head with a smile. "That does sound like him." I sigh. "I hope we can still be friends after this. I would hate to lose him over something so silly."</p><p>Josephine smiles. "The Knight-Captain has a sense of humour. I believe you will be alright."</p><p>A sense of humour is correct. I am beginning to worry if he is going to make fun of me about that kiss for the rest of eternity.</p><p>My smile falters, recalling that it was not only Rylen that I had nearly ploughed through on my way out of the chantry following my outburst. Cullen had been there too, seen and heard it all. I am not sure I will ever be able to face him again.</p><p>"I will speak with Cullen about some herbs to send to your hut to help you sleep," Josephine says, pulling me abruptly from my thoughts and momentarily paralysing me at the use of his name. "I believe those herbs he had arranged for you the last time were useful, were they not?"</p><p>They were, but I do not want to admit it because the thought of having Cullen in any way involved in this anymore makes my skin crawl.</p><p>"Then I shall speak with him on it." She rises to her feet and circles around the desk to stand in front of me. Soft hands take mine and she holds them, eyes on mine. "You are not alone, Astri. If you feel burdened, then come to us. Or to me, at least. I know Cassandra and Leliana are not exactly the most approachable, but I am more than happy to listen. And if not to me, then to one of your companions, or Rylen. We are all here for you."</p><p>My heart sings at her words, but I am not entirely convinced. My companions are my support, the advisors are most like my employers. There is a clear divide between the two, even now. But I believe her. I would like for Josephine and I to be friends, or at least not strangers. She is kind, warm and honestly a brilliant listener.</p><p>"Thank you, Josie."</p><p>She beams over at me and I feel a rush of relief. I appear to have mended my wrong and I am glad for it. I can at least take pride in knowing there is one less person who hates me tonight. Though I am certain there are plenty more.</p><p>Leaving Josephine's office, I close the door behind me gently. I do not want to draw out any more advisors tonight. I have had my fill of heart to hearts.</p><p>But just as I turn to make for the chantry door, the war room door opens with a jolt and I nearly hit the ceiling. I turn abruptly to find Cullen frozen just through the open doorway; eyes locked onto me.</p><p>"Sweet Maker," I sigh under my breath.</p><p>There is a wash of different emotions in his eyes and he struggles to maintain eye contact with me. He must be thinking about what I shouted in the chantry earlier today. The way his face and ears begin to redden, I know it must be.</p><p>I groan. "About earlier, Commander-"</p><p>He holds up a hand to stop me there. "It is none of my business, Herald." His hand then runs through his hair. Suddenly I note the dark circles under his eyes, his flushed skin, and the sweat beading on his forehead. He looks incredibly sickly. "Rylen made quite the appeal on your behalf after you left, anyway. Rumours are rumours. If there were any truth to them, even if there is not, it would be between the two of you. There need not be anything more said on the subject."</p><p>My jaw clenches slightly at the sharp dismissiveness of his tone. It was the same when he spoke about my mark in the war room. No matter how Rylen tried to sugar coat it, this man truly has little kindness for me. Perhaps I deserve it, I do not know. But I am not interested in sticking around for more.</p><p>I bow coldly. "Then I won't keep you, Commander." And then I turn on my heel and march from the chantry, my small hands in shaking fists by my sides.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. The Eve of Change</h2></a>
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    <p>"I am beginning to think that your face just naturally looks that way." Dorian's voice is barely audible over my own thoughts, so when I blink at him in confusion, he just sighs. "If you frown any harder you will give yourself a migraine, Astri dear. You need to relax a little."</p><p>I let out a long breath, eyes closing to calm myself.</p><p>"What is bothering you today?"</p><p>My face wrinkles and I groan. "I have a meeting today. Not only do I have to face everyone," mostly meaning Cullen, "but we are planning tomorrow's assault on the Breach." I look down at the mark on my hand. "Is it normal to be this nervous?"</p><p>Dorian chuckles. "Of course, it is. You are saving the world. If you were not nervous, I'd think you were insane."</p><p>"Oh, I most definitely am insane."</p><p>Another chuckle. "Aren't we all?"</p><p>I want to smile and pretend I feel better. But the truth is nothing can ease the sick feeling in my stomach, the erratic beating of my heart, and the pounding of a truly horrific headache.</p><p>I barely slept again last night, but at least there had been less nightmares. Instead there had been countless hours of staring up at the ceiling of my hut, begging for sleep to take me, yet fearing the idea that it might.</p><p>Dorian found me wandering around Haven in a daze and dragged me to the tavern for breakfast. But my plate remains mostly untouched in front of me, my stomach too upside down for food.</p><p>"You ought to eat something." Dorian's tone is unusually gentle. "You will need your strength for tomorrow."</p><p>My eyes close, images of what is to come playing in my mind. "I promise to eat later." I rise to my feet and turn to leave. "I have to get going, Dorian. I will see you later."</p><p>Varric enters as I exit, his expression filled with worry. We have hardly spoken since Redcliffe, but I am sure he is fully aware of my struggles. I am grateful for his concern. If I were not so caught up in my thoughts, I might have thanked him, but instead I push past him and begin towards the chantry.</p><p>The meeting is tedious, and I want nothing more than for a rift to suddenly appear in front of me and suck me into the Fade. I let the others do most of the talking and often find myself dragging my mind from some faraway place to attempt to look as though I am paying attention. But it happens so many times that I am sure everyone can tell that I am only physically present.</p><p>Josephine's hand rests on my forearm, drawing me out of my thoughts. She smiles kindly at me, dark eyes sympathetic.</p><p>"Astri, we would like to know your thoughts on the assault."</p><p>I glance around the room, making extra effort not to meet Cullen's eyes. They are all looking at me.</p><p>"I am there to seal the Breach," I reply dryly. "Get me close to it and I will ensure it is done." I had hoped to sound more confident, but the way my voice quivers at the end did little to convince myself, let alone anyone else.</p><p>"Are you sure you are prepared, Herald?" Cullen's question makes my heart ache. Just the sound of his voice is painful. "We cannot be sure what will happen once the Breach is sealed."</p><p>I do not meet his eyes when I reply. "I am. I do not have a choice regardless. I will do my best."</p><p>Cassandra steps forwards, nodding in agreement. "Then it is settled. Tomorrow we march on the Breach and seal it."</p><p>Despite her confident words, the room still swims with doubt. We cannot be sure that this will work. It is even possible that we might only make things worse. But if we do not try, then the Breach will consume the world. One way or another, tomorrow will decide the future for all of us.</p><p>As I leave the chantry following the conclusion of the meeting, I hear the clanking of armour as Cullen hurries to catch up to me. Feeling his presence, I speed up my steps, desperate to get away to save myself.</p><p>"Herald?" He stops then, realizing my desperation. "Please, may I speak with you?"</p><p>My heart swells at the emotion in his tone. My feet falter and I subconsciously allow him the chance to fall into step with me. I do not wish to speak to him, to look at him, or to even be near him. And yet, I cannot resist him either.</p><p>We walk through Haven at a snail's pace, the air between us stale and confused. I never glance in his direction. Just having him near is smothering. I am torn between slapping him and begging him to tell me he had not meant what he said about me. But I know better. I have already let my age show too much. At twenty-three I feel like nothing more than a stupid child around these people. I must look stupid to him. Pretending to be someone I am not.</p><p>I do not notice where we are headed until we are through Haven's gate and walking the path beside the training yard. When we reach the edge of the campground, I turn to him. I do not know what his intentions are in seeking me out. I would rather not wander into the wilderness with him.</p><p>When I look up at him there is an uncertainty in his eyes. Something between doubt and confusion. And then he smiles. It is an awkward smile that he clearly had not meant to let slip, and he scratches the back of his neck nervously.</p><p>"I, uh, had planned this a little differently," he says with a chuckle.</p><p>His smile, his laugh, the warmth in his eyes. All of it leaves me bewildered. It is as though he has suddenly reverted back to the Cullen I knew when we first met. That darkness in his eyes, the paleness of his skin; it has all gone. He looks whole again. Alive.</p><p>My heart begins to beat faster, my mind reeling with hope. I was certain he hated me, that he thought I was inferior and nothing more than the mark on my hand. And yet, the way he looks at me, I can almost imagine that he feels the same warmth between us that I do.</p><p>Cullen's eyes meet mine finally and they hold for what feels like a small eternity. But he falters, eyes falling to the ground between us. His hand reaches into his cape and retrieves a small pouch. He holds it a moment, eyeing it thoughtfully, before extending it to me.</p><p>"Josephine told me you were having trouble sleeping." There is a thick layer of emotion woven into his voice that sends a shudder down my spine. "So, I, uh, had Adan put together more herbs for you. I know you are an alchemist, but these are a special recipe that I use. I know they helped you last time."</p><p>All of the coldness I had towards him these past weeks begins to thaw, melting away into nothing, leaving only the racing of my heart.</p><p>I reach for the pouch, our hands touching for only a moment. The touch sends sparks up my arm and I want to squeal with delight, but I force down my excitement, tucking my hands and the pouch inside of my jacket.</p><p>Cullen quickly withdraws his own hand, hiding it behind his back. For a moment I wonder if he felt it too.</p><p>I push aside my hopeful thoughts and offer him a grateful smile. "Thank you, Commander."</p><p>He returns my smile, but it catches after a moment and he looks away again. He hesitates, considering his next words. "Tomorrow, at the Breach. I want you to know that we all believe in you. Myself included."</p><p>My breath catches in my throat. I was not expecting that.</p><p>There is a shout from the training yard not far from us and I can see Rylen laughing and pointing to the men he is training. I had not even noticed him as we passed. I sigh softly. He was right. He was not the one I wanted.</p><p>Cullen notices my eyes on Rylen and my sigh. For a moment there is a hint of something darker in his eyes, but he clears his throat, and it is gone. "He cares about you."</p><p>I nod. "I know."</p><p>He raises an eyebrow.</p><p>I laugh softly, trying to hide my own shame. "I am not blind, Commander. Besides, he has told me as much already. He is a good man. He will find a woman who appreciates him for it. But that woman is not me."</p><p>Cullen's eyes meet mine and he searches my face for something. Hope rises in my chest again, begging him to tell me his thoughts, or for him to just kiss me. But then his eyes move away again, and I am left to continue questioning what he is thinking and what all of these glances mean.</p><p>I could have stood there with him like that for an eternity, but with the weight of my thoughts and the weariness of a prolonged lack of sleep, I decide that now is not the time to let my emotions get the better of me. Tomorrow will be a long day and I need to prepare myself for whatever could happen.</p><p>I bow my head to Cullen. "Thank you for the herbs, Commander. I have a lot to prepare for. I will see you tomorrow." I turn to walk away but he calls after me.</p><p>"Herald!" His golden eyes sparkle and he offers the smallest of smiles. "Sleep well. And remember what I said."</p><p>I do not reply, I just continue on my way. If I had said something, I am sure it would have been something one of us would regret.</p><p>As I pass by the training yards, I catch Rylen's eye. There is a knowing look in them that is laced with a suppressed sadness. He had clearly seen Cullen and I walking together. I look away from him, my heart aching for him. One day I will talk to him about it all and tell him how sorry I am. But today is not that day. Today I need to focus on myself. On my strength. Tomorrow we end this, and beyond that, if there is a world to be lived in, then I will deal with what comes next.</p><p>I dream of Nani and Landen that night. We are smiling and joking together. Landen holds Nani in his arms like he did on that final night, stroking her hair and loving her with all of his heart. On that last night there had been an intimacy between them unlike anything I have ever seen. I never once saw them kiss, and yet their souls spoke to each other through their eyes, through their touches. It was breathtaking.</p><p>They are the Nani and Landen that I remember clearest. The ones I knew on that final day. Whatever came before that I can barely remember. Perhaps that is how I manage to go on without them. Their love and happiness are what inspires me to go forward.</p><p>I relive those hours, watching Landen cradle Nani as she cried herself to sleep, thinking of her mother and the Circle. We lost so much that day with no comprehension of what awaited us on the following.</p><p>Then Cullen is there, smiling and talking to me, shrouded in a golden light. I cannot understand his words, but I do not mind at all. Seeing him radiate such complete happiness and warmth fills me with enough joy to render any words he might have said insignificant.</p><p>Butthe light does not last. As with all my dreams since Redcliffe, a darkness setsin slowly. At first it hovers around the edges of my dreams, creeping closerand closer to me until it consumes all the joy within me. Demons, blackness,misery. I try to fight it, but I am not strong enough. Watching Nani and Landenbecome lost in the darkness threatens to shatter my heart to pieces. And whenthe darkness turns to Cullen, I know that I cannot survive this. I am notstrong enough. I am not brave enough. I am useless and helpless and weak. I donot deserve my happiness. I do not deserve him.</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Sacrifice</h2></a>
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    <p>Haven is alive with laughter and joy as the Inquisition celebrates our greatest victory yet. With the Breach sealed, only a scar of what used to be remains visible. The glowing green light has gone from the sky, but not from my hand. I try to allow myself this one moment of accomplishment, but when I glance down at my left hand, I still feel a pit in my stomach, telling me that this is not over.</p><p>Standing alone, overlooking the tavern and the centre of Haven, I watch as familiar faces revel in today's events. Drinks flow steadily and there is music and dancing. But not everyone is celebrating. Inside the chantry the Ambassador, Commander and Nightingale are at work, planning all that comes next and revising all that happened today. I had tried to aid them, tried to concentrate on what they were saying, but once again my mind was somewhere far away and so they let me leave, thanking me for sealing the Breach for the thousandth time.</p><p>I had not made it far when I left. I found myself drawn in by the celebrations. I watch them now, jealous of their unhindered joy. They do not share the burdens that I do as their Herald and the one who bears the mark. The world just became infinitely brighter for them. While it only became darker for me.</p><p>I close my eyes and breathe slowly, begging my aching heart to either grow stronger or to give out completely. This grey area that I have found myself wandering through alone is too much for me to handle.</p><p>I had hoped that when the Breach was sealed, that my mark would disappear with it. Worse case I thought I would die in order to complete it, and yet here I stand, the mark still on my hand. Nothing about this makes any sense. I still cannot remember what happened at the Conclave and where the damned thing even came from. Why me? What is the purpose of all of this? Why did any of this have to happen at all? Why did my friends have to die? All of these questions continue to wear me down.</p><p>Cassandra is beside me then, speaking to me in words that I have to focus on to understand. "We've reports of lingering rifts and many questions remain. But this was a victory. Word of your heroism has spread." And then she smiles. It is a real smile, not another of her typically forced ones. There is hope in her eyes and a dash of pride. Pride in what, I cannot say. But it is comforting to see it there at all.</p><p>Despite her smile and her approving look, I do not feel the same way as she does. Sure, the Breach is sealed. But there is more to it than that.</p><p>"You know how many were involved, Cassandra," I say, eyes cast upward at the scar in the sky. "This was not my doing. You all worked incredibly hard to make this Inquisition. And it was the mark that did that." I signal to the scar with my chin.</p><p>Cassandra's usual frown returns. "That is not true. Not entirely. There would be no mark without you, and no Inquisition without the Herald. Your help has been worth more than you realize. But you are right, this was a victory of alliance. One of the few in recent memory." She meets my eyes, a slither of warmth returning to her face. "With the Breach closed, that alliance will need a new focus."</p><p>There is a suggestion in her words that I do not understand. I had not been paying attention in the last two meetings to know what was said of the future. I wonder if I have any part in those plans. Part of me still hopes that I do, but another begs to be cast aside and left to my own path. Never could I have imagined that my life would lead me here, to be a part of all of this.</p><p>The sounding of a bell startles the both of us and I peer into the dullness of dusk towards what appears to be torchlights on the mountain on the other side of the valley. But there are hundreds of them.</p><p>Fear prickles on my skin and my stomach turns on itself as the reality of those bells sinks in. We are under attack.</p><p>Cassandra shares my look of horror and when we see Cullen running from the chantry, down towards the gate, she signals for us to follow. We meet Leliana and Josephine as they too come from the chantry and the four of us hurry down to meet at the gate.</p><p>Cullen is there already barking orders to his soldiers. There is a darkness in his eyes, and I can see the clear panic as he scrambles to figure out what is happening.</p><p>"Cullen?"</p><p>He turns at Cassandra's voice, his eyes brushing over me for the smallest moment. "One watchman reporting," he says. He points towards the mountain. "It's a massive force. The bulk of which is over the mountain."</p><p>Josephine steps forwards, confusion and fear written all over her pretty face. "Under what banner?"</p><p>He turns to her, his tone low. "None."</p><p>Josephine blinks her confusion. "None?"</p><p>I push past them, my attention drawn to a sudden banging on the gate and flashes of light from beneath. It is silly for me to think myself a match for any coming enemies, but my desire to protect these people and my new home stirs up a courage in me that I did not know I had.</p><p>Then a silence, followed by a voice, laced with desperation. "I can't come in unless you open!"</p><p>I hesitate and glance over my shoulder at Cullen. The voice sounded like a young man. Possibly a teenager. Without asking for opinions, I hurry down to the gate and a soldier pushes it open with my nod.</p><p>There is an enormous soldier on the other side, clad from head to toe in heavy armour, equipped with battle axe that he holds one-handed, his incredible size dwarfing the typically two-handed weapon.</p><p>I freeze, unsure what to think. But then there is a slicing sound, and the large soldier falls to the ground, a much smaller, lankier figure behind him, wielding a bloodied dagger.</p><p>It is then that I notice that Cullen is there close by my side, sword drawn towards the man before us as though protecting me with it.</p><p>The man tosses aside the blade and steps towards me. Beneath his broad hat, I can see a thin, pale, and sunken face. He is unlike anyone I have seen before. He barely looks alive, barely human. But the desperation and fear in his eyes is what draws my attention, and what makes me place a hand on Cullen's, asking him to lower his blade. He eyes me with a frown but obeys.</p><p>The strange man steps closer again. "My name is Cole. I came to warn you. To help. People are coming to hurt you. You probably already know that." His voice trails off and I am more confused than ever.</p><p>"What do you mean? Who is?"</p><p>He is close enough to me now to touch me, but he maintains that distance. His pale eyes bore into mine, speaking to my soul. "The templars come to kill you." There is a mystical hint to his tone that sends a chill down my spine.</p><p>"Templars?" Cullen's anger is evident as he storms towards the young man. "Is this the Order's response to our talks with the mages?" I can see the pain in his eyes as he considers this new development. "Attacking blindly?"</p><p>Cole turns to Cullen. "The Red Templars went to the Elder One." He abruptly turns to me and closes in on me, his face suddenly close enough to mine that I can see his face completely. "You know him, he knows you. You took his mages." He retreats again, this time pointing across the valley to a small peak where an unnaturally shaped figure stands, a frightening looking templar by his side. It is hard to make out exact details from this distance, but from what I can see, this Elder One is not human.</p><p>"He's very angry that you took his mages."</p><p>I feel a sudden rise of nausea in my stomach and I gasp for air to keep myself from throwing up. Cullen steps closer to me, taking my arm.</p><p>"Herald."</p><p>I gasp and fight to straighten myself. "Give me a plan, Commander. Anything."</p><p>He nods. "Haven is no fortress. If we are to withstand this monster, then we must control the battle." His eyes move to the trebuchet just down the hill from us. He does not have to say anything before I am pulling free of his grasp and heading towards it.</p><p>Behind me I can hear Cullen addressing the forces that have gathered to face the enemy. Soldiers and mages stand ready for battle.</p><p>"Inquisition with the Herald!" He cries, drawing his sword. I pause only for a moment to watch him as he thrusts the blade into the air, a raging fire burning brightly in his eyes. Standing there with his fur cloak and that edge in his golden eyes, he looks very much like a lion. "For your lives! For all of us!"</p><p>I swallow my fear then, the power of his words washing over me and filling me with courage. I will fight as hard as I can. I will face this Elder One and his Red Templars.</p><p>With the trebuchets loaded and firing into the mountains comes a feeling of relief as small avalanches consume large portions of the enemy forces. Behind me, Bull, Varric and Dorian laugh victoriously, still high from the battle and the sight of our success.</p><p>However, the feeling is short lived. There is a thunderous roar far above us and suddenly a large black shadow swoops down, an enormous fireball shattering the trebuchet into a million pieces. </p><p>The force of the explosion sends us flying and I hit the ground with such force that it takes the wind from me. I gasp for air, my head spinning and ears ringing, as I try to find my feet.</p><p>Dorian helps me up, his own body battered and bruised from the impact.</p><p>"We have to retreat!" he shouts to me over the mayhem that surrounds us.</p><p>I hesitate, my eyes watching the dragon as it turns in the distance for another assault on Haven.</p><p>"Astri!"</p><p>I blink at the sound of my name and then nod, my eyes locking onto the desperation on Dorian's face. I have never seen him look terrified before. Even when we travelled forwards in time at Redcliffe, he had kept his cool and never shown a single shred of fear. But right now, he is as pale as the snow and I can see the threat of tears in his eyes.</p><p>He takes my hand and drags me behind him, leading the way towards the gate. We stop briefly to help Harritt break into his workshop to collect something valuable to him, and then we hurry to the gate together.</p><p>Cullen is there and I can see a moment of relief in his eyes when we come into view. He ushers us inside, calling to any remaining soldiers to retreat, then orders the gates sealed when there is no one left outside.</p><p>He pushes past us, climbing the stairs two at a time. "We need everyone to the chantry. It's the only building that might hold against that beast." He pauses at the top, glancing down and meeting my eyes briefly. There is the slightest hint of defeat in them, laced within his anger, that makes my heart sink. "At this point, just make them work for it."</p><p>In the chantry there are people huddled in every corner with more still streaming in from the village outside. On our way through Haven we managed to rescue a number of people, but I am certain we have lost many more.</p><p>My small team and I are among the last to reach the chantry and soon after we enter, the soldiers close the doors and I begin to rake my mind for any way that we can win this. Cullen's doubt has set my own aflame, but I continue to fight it, desperate not to let this be the end. I survived the Conclave, the Fade, the Breach. I cannot die now. I cannot let all of these people die either. There must be something I can do.</p><p>I catch a glimpse of Rylen at the other end of the chantry. He is bloodied and bruised, no doubt from fighting on the front lines. But he is alive. I am thankful for it.</p><p>Dorian, Bull and Varric disperse, each going to the aid of others. Bull finds Krem and the Chargers already helping the wounded. All three look weary and injured from the exploding trebuchet, but none say a word about themselves.</p><p>Cole is there with Chancellor Roderick in his arms, half dragging the bleeding man towards a chair to sit. I did not even know that the Chancellor had returned to Haven.</p><p>"He tried to stop a templar." Cole's words are empathetic, a knowing shimmer of sadness in his eyes. "The blade went deep. He is going to die."</p><p>Roderick scoffs and groans as Cole lowers him onto the chair. "What a charming boy."</p><p>"Herald!" Cullen's voice rings through the chantry and he hurries over to me. For the handful of things that have gone in our favour today, his safety is the one I am most thankful for. Seeing not a scratch on him makes me happier than he will likely ever know.</p><p>"Our positioning is not good." Cullen's voice plucks me from my thoughts, reminding me just how bad our situation is. "That dragon stole back any time you might have earned us."</p><p>"I've seen an archdemon." Cole draws our attention to him. "I was in the Fade, but it looked like that."</p><p>Cullen frowns over at him. "I don't care what it looks like. It's cut a path for that army. They'll kill everyone in Haven."</p><p>My heart sinks further still, it is a wonder I had not dropped it on the run back here from the gate. </p><p>"The Elder One doesn't care about the village," Cole says, a sharpness to his tone. "He only wants the Herald."</p><p>I can feel Cullen's eyes on me as I absorb Cole's words. "He wants me? Why?"</p><p>Cole shakes his head. "I do not know. But he is obsessed with you."</p><p>I step forward, anger filling me. "If it will save these people, he can have me." If it will save Cullen, my mind translates for me. And Dorian, and Bull, and Varric, and Rylen, and all of my friends.</p><p>Cullen steps towards me, possibly about to protest, but Cole speaks, halting him in place.</p><p>"It won't. He wants to kill you. No one else matters, but he'll crush them, kill them anyway. I don't like him."</p><p>Cullen lets out an audible growl, his face wrinkling deeper. "You don't like-" he stops himself. With a sigh he turns to me, his expression softening as his eyes meet mine. "Herald, there are no tactics to make this survivable. The only thing that slowed them was the avalanche. We could turn the remaining trebuchets, cause one last slide."</p><p>His suggestion confuses me for a moment. "We're overrun, Commander. To hit the enemy, we would bury Haven."</p><p>The darkness returns to his eyes then. "We will die. But we can decide how. Many don't get that choice."</p><p>His words slice through me like knives. He must recognize the pain in my face because he steps slightly closer to me, sadness flashing across his eyes. We hold each other's gaze a moment, each of us unsure what the other is thinking, but seemingly understanding the depths of this hell that we find ourselves in.</p><p>"Yes, that," Cole says softly, eyes on Roderick. He turns to Cullen and I. "Chancellor Roderick can help. He wants to say it before he dies."</p><p>Roderick nods, gathering his strength to speak. "There is a path. You wouldn't know it unless you made the summer pilgrimage as I have." He begins to rise to his feet, Cole aiding him. "The people can escape. She must have shown me. Andraste must have shown me so I could tell you."</p><p>"What path? What do you mean, Roderick?" Hope rises within me in that moment. If there is a way for everyone to escape, then we need to know about it.</p><p>"It was a whim that I walked the path," Roderick rasps, still doubled over in pain, clutching the wound on his torso. "I did not mean to start. It was so overgrown. Now, with so many at the Conclave dead, to be the only one who remembers." He chuckles at the irony. "If this simple memory can save us, then this could be more than a mere accident. You could be more." There is a kindness in his eyes I had not expected to ever see. The way he treated me in the beginning, and all the nasty things he has said since. I thought him an arrogant arse. Perhaps he is. But right now, he is just a man, a dying man with a will to save others.</p><p>The plan comes together in my mind then and my fear turns to determination. I turn to Cullen who is watching me carefully.</p><p>"What about it, Commander? I will head to the trebuchet while you get everyone out. Will it work?"</p><p>Cullen takes several steps closer to me, his eyes narrowing. "Possibly, if he shows us the path. But what of your escape?"</p><p>I am certain by the flash of understanding in his eyes that he knows my escape is not the priority here.</p><p>"Perhaps you will surprise it, find a way." The hope in his voice does not reach his face, nor does it truly reach my ears.</p><p>Roderick turns to me as Cole steadies him. "Herald, if the Inquisition was meant for this, if you were meant for this; I pray for you." With that Cole and Roderick make their way through the chantry.</p><p>Meeting Cullen's gaze one final time, I take a moment to memorize those golden eyes. "Get them out safe, Commander. Don't worry about me."</p><p>There is something there in those eyes in that moment. Something that gives me hope that perhaps he could care for me. But none of that matters right now. I will not survive this; I already know that. Whatever I want to say to Cullen will die with me. For the briefest moment I consider telling him my feelings, but I stop myself knowing full well that it would be selfish of me. I will not burden him with guilt.</p><p>And so, I turn my back on him and walk out of the chantry door alone, sealing the door behind me with ice magic so that none of my companions can get any stupid ideas about following me.</p><p>I wake to the sound of howling wind, every inch of my body in agony. I gasp for air, crying out when my chest feels like shattered glass with each breath. I will myself to move, but none of my limbs respond. I can hardly feel my hands and feet beyond that they are so cold I could cry.</p><p>Around me I can see only darkness and ice. Beneath me I can feel the cold, hard dirt and my robes are soaked through. I have no idea where I am and can barely remember what happened that lead me to here.</p><p>I can remember the Breach, the attack, a dragon. A boy named Cole. Roderick knew a path out of Haven. The trebuchet.</p><p>I groan and try to roll onto my side. Finally, my body responds, but very weakly. I am certain I have broken more than one rib and possibly done much worse in other places on my body. Not to mention the absolute pounding of my head.</p><p>I recall an explosion. The dragon had found me as I wound the last trebuchet ready to bury Haven. I was thrown in the air once again like a ragdoll. And then Corypheus appeared; the Elder One. He wanted my mark, or Anchor as he called it. But when he could not remove it, he decided to kill me instead. But I managed to pull the trigger on the trebuchet and sent the avalanche hurtling towards Haven.</p><p>But how did I survive?</p><p>Above my head I can see what looks like the shattered remnants of a mine shaft. I vaguely remember falling through something. Perhaps that was it.</p><p>And what happened to Corypheus?</p><p>Pain shoots through me and tears stream down my face. I wish I had died in the avalanche. Now I am faced with a slow death here in this miserable cave.</p><p>I close my eyes and resign myself to giving up. Even if I could walk, I do not know where I am or where the Inquisition went. I never saw this mountain path Roderick spoke of.</p><p>I hope they made it out safely. I saw the flare moments before I set off the avalanche. I just hope Corypheus did not find them.</p><p>Cullen. His is the first face that I think of. Of all the people in my life until now, he is the one I truly am unsure if I could leave behind. If I die now, then I will never see him again. That thought alone has my chest aching. And somehow, that pain seems worse than all the other pain. The broken ribs, the countless cuts, and bruises. All of it.</p><p>Those eyes. Those lips. Those hands. Those shoulders. That voice. Despite the freezing cold, my body begins to warm just at the thought of him. And so, I find my feet. Against all the odds, I find myself stumbling through the cave. I tumble over into holes in the darkness, increasing my number of injuries. But I keep going. All I can think about is that blonde haired man and the fact that I want to see him again.</p><p>The icy wind hits me like a billion tiny needles, piercing the skin of my body. I only notice in that moment that my robes are shredded as well as soaked through. I can see deep gashes on my body through the torn clothing, but I push them out of my mind to deal with when I am safe.</p><p>Pressing on through the snow, the sound of howling wind fills my ears, with the occasional cry of wolves in the distance reminding me of even more dangers that lurk in the darkness, ready to devour me.</p><p>The sky is pitch black and there is barely any moonlight tonight, making the task of navigating almost impossible. I try to keep my focus on a familiar mountain peak and aim for it, but it is easy to lose sight of in the darkness and I begin to question which mountain is which.</p><p>An eternity passes and my body grows weaker by the minute. The cold has begun to overrun me, and I am beginning to doubt whether I will make it. I pause a moment, considering my options. I have such little energy left that I am sure I will not last much longer. Peering through the darkness I can see that I am now over halfway up this mountain and I pray to the Maker that the Inquisition is on the other side.</p><p>Closing my eyes, I bring Cullen's face to the front of my mind once again and let my feelings for him warm me. When that is not enough, I decide there is only one thing left that I can do.</p><p>I cup my hands together and spend a large chunk of my remaining energy casting the smallest of fire spells. The flames instantly warm my hands and I use it to defrost my face and some of my body. I pray that this last little bit of heat will be enough to make it to safety.</p><p>And then I press on. I make my way further into the darkness, into the unknown. I force every single step and strain through every agonizing breath.</p><p>Eventually the summit is in sight. I can see a small gap in the rocks that appears to lead down the other side. My heart leaps at the thought of possibly being so close. But my legs have had enough. Between the cold and the intense trek up the mountainside, they have nothing left to give. I crumble into a heap in the snow, unable to move and barely able to breathe. The pain is overwhelming. If I had the energy I might have screamed or cried, but I cannot even do that.</p><p>As I lay there in the snow, I think of Cullen once again. But this time it is not just him. I think of my companions, my friends. I think of the Circle and of my family. I think of everything in my life, and all of the people who had been in it. Gabriel, Nani, Landen. Their faces are in my mind now.</p><p>Then with a smile I remind myself that I will see Nani and Landen again very soon. That thought comforts me immeasurably. And in that moment, I am ready. I am ready to die. Happy to, almost. There is no point fighting it any longer. The Maker has decided. It is time for me to go.</p><p>The blackness finds me then, embracing me with open arms. And I go to it. Glad to finally be at peace. No more mark, no more heartache. I am free.</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Herald of Andraste</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first thing I remember is something warm. It wraps around me, drawing me in. There is a scent laced with it that is familiar to me, but I do not know from where. All I can think about is the warmth and how soft it is. If I could move, I might have smiled, but nothing about me feels alive. I am barely awake if I am awake at all. Perhaps this is a dream. It must be. Or perhaps this is what happens when you die.</p><p>There is a hum close to my ear, like hearing the very edge of a conversation through a wall. Voices, but not quite words. None of it makes sense, but the sound is comforting. If this is death, then it is one of the most wonderful things I have ever experienced.</p><p>All my fear has left me. I feel only the warmth of an invisible golden light. It warms me from within, starting with my soul and working its way to my surface, embracing my mortal body.</p><p>There is a name on the tip of my tongue and my body begs me to say it. For a moment I think perhaps I do, but I am so deep within myself that I cannot be certain. Regardless, it is a name that I will hold onto in my heart and take it with me to the other side.</p><p>Pain. That is all I can feel. Burning and scraping, like knives in my chest. I want to scream, but all that comes out is little more than a whimper.</p><p>There is movement close to me and then a hand finds my forehead.</p><p>A sigh of relief. "Her fever has broken."</p><p>Mumbles erupt and there is more movement. I cannot say who is there, nor what they are doing, but suddenly all goes quiet again. In the silence I feel a cold dampness dabbing my forehead and it feels magnificent.</p><p>Another sound slips from my mouth and the hand feels my forehead again. "Hang in there, Herald."</p><p>Adan? I know that voice. It is Adan. The apothecary. But if he is here, then am I not dead? Did they find me? Am I safe?</p><p>More movement.</p><p>"Commander." Adan's hand disappears from my forehead.</p><p>"A mage said her fever broke." My heart nearly leaps from my chest. I know that voice. I never thought I would hear it again.</p><p>"Yes, Commander. She has improved greatly overnight. She is not yet responding to sound, but I believe she may have said something when I touched her."</p><p>Cullen releases a long sigh, and his words sound as though they are said through a smile. "That is fantastic news, Adan. Thank you. Please, inform me if there are any changes. Good or bad."</p><p>"Of course, Commander."</p><p>And then there is silence. Adan returns to tending to me. This time he begins to change my wound dressings. At the touch I feel my entire body engulf in flames. The pain is unbearable. And then all goes black once more.</p><p>My eyes flicker open to see the ceiling of a tent, candlelight flickering, casting shadows across the canopy. It takes some time for me to understand what has happened, my memories hidden behind a fog of pain and fear.</p><p>When they do reveal themselves, I feel my stomach knot and my breath catches. I try to move but my body resists. Everything still hurts. I wonder how badly I was injured. Judging by the pain, it must have been a remarkably close call.</p><p>There is a small rumble beside me, and I turn my head slightly to find Varric fast asleep on a chair. He shifts a little, his head dropping suddenly, and he stirs awake with a start. For a moment he gathers himself, realizing he dozed off, but when his eyes meet mine a smile spreads across his face and he leans close to me.</p><p>"Hey there, Goldie. You're a sight for sore eyes. I was beginning to think you'd never wake up."</p><p>I try to speak but no words come out. My mouth and throat are so dry it feels as though I swallowed a bucket of sand.</p><p>Varric notes my croaking sounds and quickly pours a cup of water, easing the cup towards my mouth and allowing me to drink. The water feels amazing and instantly I feel so much better.</p><p>"Thanks, Varric," I manage to say with way too much effort.</p><p>"Don't force it," he replies, his smile still on his face. "You had all of us worried to death. I beg you, please don't nearly die on us again. It was hard enough once."</p><p>I force a smile, but it is empty. Even my face hurts. "H-Haven..."</p><p>His smile falters, knowing what it is I am trying to ask. "Is gone. The Chargers have been recovering what they can from the site, but the town is almost completely buried under snow. You did good, Goldie. You saved the people, and you got out too. I'm not joking when I say everyone still can't believe it. If people doubted that Andraste sent you, they don't any longer."</p><p>Even in my weakened state, hearing such a thing makes me groan a little.</p><p>Varric chuckles. "Glad you haven't lost your snark, kiddo." He slowly rises to his feet, a soft smile on his lips. "Now I better go let Curly know you're awake. The poor guy has been pacing outside the tent for days now. You really gave him a fright, you know. It was him that found you. Everyone else had given up hope, but he kept pushing. Luckily, he did too, or you probably wouldn't be here."</p><p>What did he just say? Cullen is the one who found me? My heart is racing at what Varric said. All of it makes no sense. Pacing outside the tent? Why would he do such a thing?</p><p>Varric chuckles again. "If you still think he doesn't like you, then maybe you need another mountain dropped on you head because I can tell you for a fact that Commander Loverboy is obsessed with you. Aside from all the pacing it's been nonstop 'have you heard any news' and 'how was she' every single damn time one of us leaves your tent. It was sweet in the beginning, but it's starting to get a little old. Couldn't even tell him to come check on you himself. 'I'd only get in the way'." Varric snorts. "Fingers crossed you two get a chance to sort things out. I am pretty sure everyone knows about this thing between you at this point."</p><p>Someone clears their throat outside the tent door. Immediately Varric laughs. "Speak of the devil."</p><p>"Varric, is there any change?" Cullen asks as he steps into the tent. He immediately freezes when he sees my eyes on him. "Ast-I mean, Herald! You're awake!"</p><p>I try to smile but the expression falls short. "C-Commander..."</p><p>His smile turns into a frown almost instantly and he turns to Varric. "Has she had water?"</p><p>Varric groans and nods. "Yes, yes. And now she needs to rest."</p><p>Cullen glances back over at me, his eyes trailing the length of my bandage covered body. "Oh, of course." He bows to me quickly. "I will leave you to rest, Herald. Feel better soon." And then he disappears out the door.</p><p>Varric sighs. "See what I mean? He's worse than a lost puppy."</p><p>It is another two days before I am well enough to move around a little. I manage to sit upward well enough, but walking is still incredibly difficult. Broken ribs, gashes, burns, damage from the cold, the list goes on. Adan said I was lucky I didn't lose a limb or break any. For all that my body endured, I am remarkably close to still being in one piece.</p><p>As soon as I am able, Leliana, Josephine and Cassandra begin coming to my tent on Inquisition business. But there is one person noticeably absent from all meetings. I consider asking after Cullen but think it would be too obvious if I did, so keep my questions to myself.</p><p>Varric's whole story about Cullen being obsessed with me still echoes in my mind, but as the hours tick by without a single sight of him, I begin to doubt all of it. Varric has always been dramatic and prone to senseless lies. He must have just wanted to cheer me up and make me feel better. As disappointing as that thought is, I am just glad that I am alive to have it. And same can be said for Cullen and everyone else. We survived; I will gladly accept that reward. It is what I had prayed for.</p><p>Mother Giselle spends some time at my cot side. She offers guidance and prayers. We talk about my escape and she tells me how the people of the Inquisition have been singing songs of praise about me.</p><p>"I hardly did anything remarkable," I say with a sigh, wincing at the pain that continues to jolt me from my broken ribs.</p><p>"To you, perhaps not. But to the rest of us; we saw our defender stand and fall. And now we have seen her return." Mother Giselle's tone makes me think of chantry preaching and it makes me a little uncomfortable. "The more the enemy is beyond us, the more miraculous your actions appear. And the more our trials seem ordained."</p><p>I shake my head. "I am not holy, Revered Mother. Andraste would not send a mage to protect the people. And even if she would, that person is not me. And no matter what everyone thinks happened, I did not die and come back to life. I was just damned lucky; again."</p><p>"Of course," she says, defending her own logic and faith against my obvious resistance. "And the dead cannot return from across the Veil. But the people know what they saw. Or perhaps what they needed to see. The Maker works both in the moment, and in how it is remembered. Can we truly know the Heavens are not with us?"</p><p>I sigh and bring my legs down over the side of the cot. I have a desire to walk a little due to the ache in my legs and back from this horrible bed. "I want to believe that, Mother Giselle, but it is a tall order. And the thought of people worshipping me any more than they already did terrifies me. I really am no one special. Just a mess of a mage who happens to bear a noble name."</p><p>I try to stand, but my legs are still so weak. Mother Giselle stands to help me, taking most of my weight.</p><p>"Perhaps it is unwise to be out of bed yet, Herald."</p><p>I shake my head and point to a fresh blanket on the end of the cot. "Please, I cannot stay in here much longer or I will go mad. I just need a little fresh air and then I promise to rest."</p><p>She considers my words for a moment before reaching for the blanket, shaking it out, and then draping it around my shoulders. "Then I will walk with you. Please, take it slow, Herald."</p><p>I nod, thankful to finally be allowed to leave the tent. Even if I just stand outside of the door. Anything is better than staring up at that canopy any longer.</p><p>The moment that we step outside I can hear shouting coming from across the camp. On the other side of the firepit, by a table with a map stretched out across it, I can see the leaders of the Inquisition in the midst of a heated argument. I can only make out some of the things they are saying given the distance between us and them, but from the tone of their voices, the debate has been going on for quite a while.</p><p>Cullen is there, however, and the sight of him after what feels like forever makes my heart beat faster. Even if he is shouting at Cassandra and looks as though he hasn't slept in weeks. There are no words to describe how happy I am that he is alive and that I survived to see him again.</p><p>"What would you have me tell them? This is not what we asked them to do." Cullen's voice is sharp, sharper than I have ever heard from him before. He has closed in on Cassandra, staring down at her with a dangerous coldness in his eyes.</p><p>But Cassandra does not flinch. She inches closer to him, challenging him with her typical ferocity. "We cannot simply ignore this! We must find a way."</p><p>"And who put you in charge?" Cullen snaps. "We need a consensus, or we have nothing."</p><p>Josephine throws herself between them, fear in her eyes. I know how little she likes arguments and confrontation. She must be going insane listening to these two.</p><p>"Please," she pleads, eyes sparkling with hope. "We must use reason! Without the infrastructure of the Inquisition, we're hobbled."</p><p>"Well it can't come from nowhere," Cullen spits. He is so worked up I can see the tension in his movements.</p><p>Leliana steps forward to defend her friend, eyes narrow on Cullen. "She didn't say it could!"</p><p>Cassandra throws her hands in the air, frustration getting the better of her. "Enough! This is getting us nowhere!"</p><p>"Then we are agreed on that much." Cullen runs his hand down his face.</p><p>I glance over at Mother Giselle who is sighing heavily. "Has this been happening a lot?"</p><p>She nods. "They rarely cease."</p><p>My eyes move back to Cullen who is having another confrontation with Cassandra, before she says something I cannot hear, and he backs down.</p><p>I let out a long sigh. "I should be there."</p><p>"Another heated voice won't help," Mother Giselle says softly. "Even yours. Perhaps especially yours. And you are not fit for it yet."</p><p>"I can't just sit back and let them tear into each other like this."</p><p>There is sympathy in her eyes. "What they need is hope. After all that has happened, their faith in their abilities has been shaken."</p><p>"We survived. They should know that it was because of them."</p><p>Mother Giselle chuckles softly. "The Inquisition has already placed that victory on your shoulders. And so have they." She points to the argumentative group which has begun to disperse.</p><p>I sigh, tired of hearing about all this Herald of Andraste nonsense. I wince as a sharp pain jolts me. "All I did was fire a few trebuchets. They are the ones who led the defence and got out people out."</p><p>The look Mother Giselle gives me is one of amusement. "You think yourself so unworthy that you blind yourself to your own true value."</p><p>Her words take me aback. Something in them strikes a chord and I feel a little ashamed of myself. For what, I do not know. But it is there, hidden behind the pain in my chest from my healing ribs.</p><p>Mother Giselle glances over to the others who have calmed down now. "Come now. Let us get you back into bed. The sooner you are better, the sooner we can all move forward."</p><p>As Mother Giselle turns to guide me back inside, I glance one last time at the others as they fumble about awkwardly, still shaken by their argument. My eyes find Cullen, and then his find mine. For a moment there is a flash of something in his eyes and he looks as though he wants to shout something to me, but he stops himself just short of an actual sound. And then he smiles. It is an exhausted smile, one that only just manages to reach his eyes. It is filled with such warmth that I can feel my already wobbly legs weaken further. I stumble slightly and instantly his smile turns to worry.</p><p>Mother Giselle guides me back into the tent and as I lower myself back onto my cot, through the agony of my battered body, I feel a small glow within me. The way he looked at me then felt almost intimate. So soft and so personal. My heart flutters at the memory of it.</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Swords and Beautiful Men</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Iron Bull, Varric and Dorian keep me company in the days that follow. Though, there is far less alcohol involved than usual. They play Wicked Grace at my bedside and joke around as they always do. Having them pass the days with me makes them that much more bearable. And as I watch them smiling and laughing, I wonder how I could have ever considered myself ready for death. Seeing them here now I know how wrong I had been. I am not ready to leave them. I am not sure I could ever be ready to.</p><p>Slowly I regain my strength. After five days I am able to move mostly unaided and the pain decreases rapidly. With the aid of Solas' healing spells, I am recovering remarkably fast.</p><p>Josephine, Cassandra and Leliana come to my tent often, both to just spend time with me, and to discuss important Inquisition matters. After what happened at Haven, they seem to seek out my opinion on most things, whereas before it was mostly to inform me of things. The sudden change has me torn between terrified and thankful. Until now I felt little more than a stone caught in the bottom of their boot, but suddenly my words matter, my thoughts matter.</p><p>I still do not see Cullen during these days. Every time someone enters the tent, I feel a rise of hope, but it is quickly dashed when I do not see his face. I want to ask whoever comes to see me about him, to ask why he has not come to see me, but I know better than that. If I ask the wrong person, who knows how it might look and what might leak back to him. So, I hold my tongue and try to be patient. And my eyes continue dart to the door of my tent with excitement whenever someone enters.</p><p>With my strength returning, I decide that it is time to get myself out of this tent and out into the camp with everyone else. Adan and Mother Giselle protest, but my mind is made up.</p><p>Since my clothes were destroyed during my escape, someone brings me some clothes they found in the supply carts. A shirt that is many sizes too big for me and a pair of trousers that are almost too tight. I try my best to make them look presentable, but I feel top heavy. So, I tuck the shirt into the pants as far as they will go and try to cover the mess with a jacket. Vivienne gives me a small look of approval at my efforts, having insisted on helping me style myself. She has spent more time with me now than she had whilst we were in Haven. After our disagreement soon after she joined the Inquisition, I was certain we would never get along. But since what happened she has been nothing but kind to me. Always stopping by to see if I need anything and brushing my hair for me just like she does now, since I am still too sore to lift my arms properly.</p><p>"Once the world hears of your bravery and your beauty there won't be a woman in Thedas who isn't ridiculously jealous of you, or a man who isn't in love with you, my dear," she chimes as she runs the brush through my long, golden hair. "You walked through hell and yet you still are as beautiful as ever. It is almost a crime."</p><p>I laugh softly, the slightest of pains shooting through my body. "I am glad someone thinks so highly of me. I always thought I was too thin and too short. And my hair has always been impossible to deal with."</p><p>"You should shave it all as I did," she replies, beginning to weave my hair into my trademark plait with her long, delicate fingers. "I think your head shape would suit it well."</p><p>I consider it for the briefest moment. "It would certainly make combat a little easier. Less flicking hair from my eyes."</p><p>"Exactly, dear."</p><p>I sigh. "But then Varric's nickname wouldn't make as much sense."</p><p>"Varric's nicknames make no sense as they are. Nor does anything else that dwarf says."</p><p>I feel a pang of guilt at her words. Whenever Vivienne is around, the others steer clear of the tent. It seems that no one likes her very much, especially Sera who tends to spit in her direction whenever they come across one another.</p><p>When the plait is complete, Vivienne ties it off with some blue ribbon. When I cast her a questioning look, she just smiles.</p><p>"To match your pretty eyes, my dear." Then she lowers her voice. "And I hear that blue is our Commander's favourite colour."</p><p>I groan and cover my hands with my face. "Who told you?"</p><p>She rolls her eyes at me. "You are a good deal too well bred to make such primitive sounds, Herald. And no one told me a thing. You make it frightfully obvious yourself with your pining and puppy eyes."</p><p>"Maker save me," I mumble. "Why am I like this?"</p><p>"The heart wants what the heart wants. We have little say in the matter. Besides, you could have done worse. At least our Commander is incredibly handsome and, even if he is a commoner, his manners and mind far exceed even some of the highest ranks of Orlesian nobility."</p><p>Hearing Vivienne's high appraisal of Cullen makes me chew my lip. It is not that she is incorrect, it is that she is telling the truth and suddenly I feel inferior again. I keep letting myself think that he could ever be interested in me, that I could ever be his equal. But in reality, I am so far below his standards that I might as well be invisible.</p><p>"What is that face for?"</p><p>I rise to my feet abruptly, forgetting my condition and crying out at the pain it causes. "N-nothing," I manage between pants. "Let's get out of this tent."</p><p>Stepping outside I am almost blinded by the sunlight. It feels like forever since I saw proper daylight and my eyes are not used to it. I blink up at the sky, relieved to see that there are hardly any clouds and it is a brilliant shade of blue. So far we have been incredibly lucky with the weather. It has snowed sporadically, but nothing to be concerned about.</p><p>At the sight of me people stop and stare. I get countless smiles and prayers in my direction and I think of Mother Giselle's speech to me about being Andraste's Chosen and how the people of the Inquisition consider me some kind of miracle. Seeing their faces, the glow of faith in their hopeful eyes, I know now what she meant.</p><p>"You are all anyone talks about these days," Vivienne says, adding to my thoughts. "You are something very special in their eyes."</p><p>I do not know how to feel. More than anything I am terrified. If their belief in me was overwhelming before, it might just smother me now. It is not that I do not care for them or wish to take away their hope, but to put such high faith in someone like me just does not makes sense to me. I am no one. I am barely me. I cannot be this Herald they need. Not in the way they need.</p><p>We take no particular route through the camp, mostly just indulging in some time away from the tent. The sun feels amazing on my aching skin. I feel so much better just being up and moving.</p><p>Rounding a group of tents, I can hear yelling and the clanking of swords. There is a large crowd of soldiers gathered in a large clearing amongst the endless tents. There is easily over a hundred people here. I glance around at all the faces, confused as to what they are looking at. I spy a group of women standing off to the side, eyes wide and all directed the same way, cheeks red and flustered. A couple of them are clinging to each other and squealing with excitement, while another, a young elvhen woman, drops her basket of freshly washed clothes into the snow without even realizing.</p><p>"Oh, sweet, sweet Maker." Vivienne's sudden intense sultry tone takes me off guard and I glance over at her to see her eyes wide and suggestive. "Now that should be illegal."</p><p>Bewildered as to what she could possibly be pining over, I step to the side slightly in order to see past the edge of the tent that seems to be hiding whatever it is all these people are gawking at.</p><p>The moment I see them both my heart almost stops. I see Rylen first, his back is turned to me, but I know those brown curls well enough to spot them anywhere. But it is not the curls that have my attention today, it is the unobstructed bareness of his back, muscular, scarred and tanned by sunlight, and shining brightly in all its glory in the afternoon sun. On his arms are tattoos I have never seen before and the remnants of what must have been some very deep wounds on his shoulder blades.</p><p>And then Rylen dives to the side, dodging the swing of a sword, and that is when I see him. Commander Cullen. And he is no more clothed than Rylen is.</p><p>I bite down on my lip. Hard. Unlike Rylen, Cullen is borderline fair, his blonde hair shimmering in the same way Rylen's tanned skin glows. He too is covered in scars, but they are less visible on his skin tone. Muscles are everywhere, clenching with every movement, every breath. Chest, arms, shoulders, back.</p><p>Vivienne laughs beside me. "Honey, you look how they feel." She points in the direction of the squealing women.</p><p>I choke on my own shame and cough several times so as not to die from it.</p><p>At that moment Rylen takes a particularly nasty blow from Cullen's shield that sends him hurtling towards the makeshift fence that has been erected as a small training yard. Rylen spins just in time to catch himself against the fence with his hands. He laughs heartily and then looks up, his stunning blue eyes meeting mine.</p><p>"My lady!" He calls, his tone more flirtatious than I had expected in front of so many people. "Glad to see you up and about!"</p><p>All eyes turn to me and I feel the heat rising in my face. As much as I want to run and hide, the intensity in Rylen's eyes and my still mangled body have me fixed to the spot. I could not get away even if I wanted to.</p><p>Cullen's eyes find me then, his hard frown fading instantly, replaced by an incredible flush of redness that consumes his entire body. He quickly raises his shield in front of his half naked body, hiding behind it, eyes wide with embarrassment.</p><p>There is a pang of disappointment in my chest as his body disappears from view. But the look in his eyes is almost as spectacular. Perhaps it is the aftermath of a heated fight with his friend, but there is a fire in them that makes my entire body set alight.</p><p>Vivienne clears her throat beside me, drawing me out of my fantasies. "My dear, perhaps we should...leave."</p><p>All eyes are still on me as I gawk over the two bare chested men before me. I feel the heat of my cheeks darkening and as though to make everything that much worse, a sudden sharp pain erupts through my chest, my poor ribs just not yet ready for this kind of heavy breathing.</p><p>I double over, a small cry escaping my mouth. Vivienne grabs hold of me to make sure I do not crumble in a heap.</p><p>"Herald!" There is a unified outcry as everyone panics. But there is one voice I hear above all the rest.</p><p>Cullen tosses aside his shield and sword and rushes to my side, scaling the training yard fence in one leap.</p><p>"Are you alright?" he says, his voice so close to my ear that it sends a shiver down my spine.</p><p>"I-" I try to speak, but another sharp pain ravages my body, and my words turn into strangled whimpers.</p><p>"What is she doing out of bed?" Cullen barks, his strong, bare arms wrapping around me and pulling me from Vivienne. "She is in no state to be wandering around the camp."</p><p>I shake my head then, gasping for air. "No, I insisted. It is my fault."</p><p>Rylen is there then, standing over me as Cullen holds me. "You're a good deal too tough, my lady. You're still such a small thing, you need to rest."</p><p>If I were not in agony, I might have snapped back at the three of them, but with air hard enough to come by right now, I keep my sharp tongue to myself.</p><p>"We need to get her back to her tent," Vivienne says. "Everyone is watching."</p><p>Rylen steps between the prying eyes and me, blocking this undoubtably unflattering sight. "Commander, you better carry her. She isn't looking good."</p><p>Cullen does not hesitate. He sweeps me into his arms and turns for my tent. I cry out at the touch as he inadvertently presses on my chest and immediately he is eyeing me with desperate eyes.</p><p>"I am so, so sorry!" His voice is so low and so emotional that it almost sounds like he is crying. "Maker's breath, you are too stubborn for your own good."</p><p>I find myself growing tired, the realization of my own stupidity dawning on me. But nothing has my attention more than the fact that if I slightly tilt my head to the side, my cheek will press against Cullen's chest. I want to so badly. My body screams for it. And as the pain weakens me further, I am less and less able to resist it.</p><p>I swear I hear him gasp as my skin meets his. The sudden warmth of his chest on my cheek sends ripples of electricity through my entire body. It feels even better than I could have imagined. And what is more phenomenal, is that I can hear the pounding of his heart. It is beating so hard, so fast, that I can almost imagine it pounding right out of his chest and into my lap.</p><p>I am so caught up in a daze that I do not notice when we enter my tent, only when Cullen places me down onto my cot slowly, his arms lingering around me for slightly longer than expected. But when Vivienne appears in the doorway, he pulls them away abruptly and steps back.</p><p>"Are you alright, my dear?" Vivienne asks as she bends over me, her hand feeling my forehead. "You have a slight fever." She sighs and gives me a disapproving look. "And you looked so lovely today. Silly beautiful men always have to ruin everything."</p><p>Cullen chokes on a sharp inhale of breath. "I, uh, I am sorry. Rylen and I got ourselves into a pickle over a game of cards last night. He insisted we settle it in the training ring."</p><p>Vivienne makes a point of eyeing his shirtless body. "And was part of that bet to do so half naked?"</p><p>He blushes brilliantly, scratching the back of his head. "It, uh, yes it was, actually."</p><p>She smirks. "That Knight-Captain is a cheeky one, I will give him that. Astri, dear, you lucky thing."</p><p>I swallow hard, hearing Cullen's breath catch in his throat. Surely, she cannot be so cruel as to refer to that stupid rumour in front of Cullen. And yet, her smirk only increases.</p><p>Cullen clears his throat and backs towards the door. "I'm sorry, but I have to get back to work." There is visible pain in his eyes that makes my heart ache. "Please, get some rest, lady Herald." And then he is gone.</p><p>I immediately turn on Vivienne who shrugs, her hand now enveloped with the green light of a healing spell. "Oh hush. After all the fussing the Commander has done the past few days, he needs a little inspiration. A little jealousy might just work in your favour, my dear."</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. The Inquisitor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Solas spends more time with me in the following days. After my little escapade he refuses to let me out of his sight. So, I have no choice but to abide by the strict bed rest rule he puts in place, with the firm backing of all of my companions. Between healing spells and no more wandering around the camp, it is another three days and I am mostly back to my old self. My chest remains bruised and heavy, but I eventually seem recovered enough to discuss what comes next.</p><p>It is then that Solas brings up the subject of an abandoned fortress in the Frostback Mountains. He claims to know where it is located and suggests that the Inquisition use it as our new base of operations.</p><p>The leaders are a little reluctant, Cullen more than the rest.</p><p>"We have too many people in our care. Trekking about the mountains in such large numbers is unwise."</p><p>"And yet if we remain, we will starve to death."</p><p>He frowns at my cold reply. Since he carried back to my tent and Vivienne said those things about Rylen, he has become distant again. That darkness in his eyes has returned and there is an iciness between us that is almost tangible. It is infuriating. Every time I am certain he has feelings for me, he does something like this, and I want to punch him in his beautiful face.</p><p>"I agree with the Herald," Cassandra says, completely ignorant of the sharp looks exchanged between Cullen and I. "As much as I think it is risky. But we have little choice now. We must go somewhere."</p><p>Finally, there is some sort of an agreement within the group, though Cullen still looks displeased.</p><p>"Then I shall send some men ahead," he grumbles. "Have them search for this Skyhold and report back to us."</p><p>I shake my head. "No. I will do it."</p><p>All eyes turn to me, disapproval on every face.</p><p>"You are in no condition to do such a thing," Josephine says. "You have barely had time to heal. We cannot allow you to risk yourself like that."</p><p>Everyone nods in agreement.</p><p>I shake my head. "I am not asking for your permission. I am the one who got us all into this mess. I will get us out of it."</p><p>"Corypheus is to blame for this, not you." Leliana's eyes are sympathetic and stern.</p><p>"And he came for the mark, which I apparently stole from him. However you put it, that is the reality of it. I have been stuck in that damn tent for nearly two weeks. I will not sit by any longer. Solas and the others will come with me. We will find Skyhold and lead you all there. I vow it."</p><p>The meeting concludes and as I turn to follow the others out of the tent, Cullen calls to me.</p><p>"Herald, are you certain you need to do this?" There is the smallest hint of concern in his eyes, peeking out from behind his obvious disdain for me at the moment.</p><p>I nod curtly. "Yes, Commander. How soon can you have the Inquisition on the move?"</p><p>He considers my question a moment. "If we begin packing up the camp now; by morning."</p><p>"Then do it. We leave at first light."</p><p>It is a treacherous hike through the Frostbacks as we had all predicted. But with the hope of finding a home and a shelter for all, I drive forwards with ferocity, as do those who follow me.</p><p>Solas leads us along endless mountain paths, until finally we reach the place we have all longed to see.</p><p>Skyhold appears on the horizon like some mythical creature come to life. My eyes can hardly believe themselves, and my heart begins to pound with anticipation. If the interior is half as magnificent as the exterior, then Skyhold is surely the fortress the Inquisition needs. The one it deserves.</p><p>Even from this distance I can see that it has fallen into disrepair. At least one of the outer walls is partially collapsed and there is some damage to a couple of the towers. But other than that, it is marvellously well preserved.</p><p>"Now that's a fortress," Bull coos, his deep voice rasping with awe.</p><p>Dorian snorts softly and crosses his arms. "I was expecting something out of a legend. Less snow, more mystical hot springs. Perhaps a unicorn or two."</p><p>I laugh. "Ever the critic."</p><p>"At least one of us has good taste," he chimes with a smile. "Speaking of which, once we are all settled in, I will be having a word with you about your outfit. What hideous beast did you pry those clothes from? They were clearly the size of a house because that shirt looks ridiculous on you."<br/>I sigh and roll my eyes. This is a historic moment for the Inquisition, and the world, and yet when I look back on this for years to come, I will remember Dorian insulting my clothes instead.</p><p>"If you want to feel like a princess, Vint, I can carry you across the threshold."</p><p>Dorian glares at Bull in sheer horror. "I think I would prefer to be eaten alive by fire ants."</p><p>I find myself laughing most of the way down the mountain. I am so thankful for the people in my life. Even if they are hot headed and some of them a little odd. They are my people. My friends. My family. I love them.</p><p>And despite Dorian's refusal, as we pass through the gatehouse, the rest of the Inquisition on our heels, Bull scoops the little Tevinter man up in his arms and carries him inside, guffawing at Dorian's attempts to squirm free, cursing endlessly in Tevinter.</p><p>I watch them as they finally pry apart, a smile wide on my face. Looking up towards the sky I see the main building of Skyhold for the first time and it takes my breath away. Despite the rubble, despite the cold, despite the overgrown everything, despite all of it; it feels like home.</p><p>Within days the Inquisition has settled into our new home and efforts to mend Skyhold are underway. Cullen dives headfirst into the repairs and all things troop related. I barely see him during those days as he is completely consumed by his work and constantly moving around all over the place.</p><p>As much as I want to be out and about helping things along, the trek through the mountains set my healing process back once again and Solas put me onto bed rest once more. This time I obey willingly. My body is beyond exhausted, and now, with the Inquisition safe and settled, I feel like my duty is complete. I take the time to relax and find pride in my efforts.</p><p>It is two weeks after our arrival at Skyhold that I am summoned from my cot, now almost completely healed. I dress myself in a fresh set of robes that Dorian picked out for me, brush my hair and plait it the way I always do. For the first time in forever I feel like my normal self again, yet somehow happier than I ever have been before. There is a fullness in my chest that is so all consuming that I cannot seem to wipe the smile off my face.</p><p>Stepping out of the darkness and into the lower courtyard of Skyhold, my eyes are immediately drawn upwards towards the tallest peaks of the fortress. The way the sunlight catches in the stained-glass window near the top takes my breath away. This place is truly special.</p><p>I notice them then, huddled together and chatting discreetly. Cassandra, Josephine, Leliana, Cullen. They look as though they are up to something and I frown down at them.</p><p>As I approach them, they begin to disperse, but I catch Cullen's eye for a small moment, and I am thrilled by the warmth I find there. He does not pause, however, and he disappears into a group of soldiers nearby.</p><p>The smile that Cassandra gives me when I reach her is unsettling. For a moment I think perhaps she noticed the glance between Cullen and I, but when she begins to speak, I realize that her happiness is much like my own.</p><p>She crosses her arms behind her back and glances around at the countless people that move about the grounds of Skyhold, both old faces and new.</p><p>"They arrive daily from every settlement in the region," she begins, her chest swelling with pride. "Skyhold is becoming a pilgrimage." She meets my eyes once again, then signals for us to take a walk. "If word has reached these people, it will have reached the Elder One."</p><p>I hesitate at the bottom of the steps that lead to the upper courtyard, memories flashing across my mind of my encounter with Corypheus back in Haven and how close I came to death. But Cassandra continues ahead of me and I force myself to follow her.</p><p>"We have the walls and the numbers to put up a fight here, but this threat is far beyond the war we anticipated."</p><p>She can say that again. Even once we initially learned of this Elder One back in Redcliffe, and even after I experienced firsthand that horrible dark future, none of us could have imagined who or what he truly is. And his Red Templars. No one saw that coming.</p><p>"But we now know what allowed you to stand against Corypheus, what drew him to you." We pause at the top of the steps and she turns to me.</p><p>I find myself glancing down at the mark on my hand, my heart sinking at the thought of all I learned. This had been Corypheus' means to ending the world. To tearing down the Veil. That orb he carried; it is what gave me this mark. Something happened at the Conclave and somehow, I ended up receiving it instead of Corypheus. I cannot decide if it was good luck, or bad luck.</p><p>"He wanted this mark," I say, my jaw clenching against the words. "There is nothing more to it."</p><p>Cassandra's eyes are sympathetic. "Whether it was fate or an accident, it does not matter now. What matters is what you have done with it and the choices you have made." We continue along the path, weaving towards the stairs that lead up towards the main building. "Your decisions let us heal the sky. Your determination brought us out of Haven. You are the creature's rival because of what you did. And we know it. All of us."</p><p>Above us Leliana comes into view, head bowed, an intricate and beautiful sword resting across both of her outstretched palms.</p><p>My steps falter, unsure what the meaning of all of this could be.</p><p>Cassandra stops before Leliana and turns to me. "The Inquisition requires a leader; the one who has already been leading us."</p><p>It is then that I notice the crowd gathered below us in the lower courtyard. With them are my companions, and Cullen and Josephine. All of which are watching me with smiles, offering me their confidence.</p><p>I look back to Cassandra, then to the sword that Leliana has outstretched to me. "You cannot be serious."</p><p>"We are incredibly serious," she replies sternly. "You underestimate yourself at every turn. As have we. And yet you have proven time and time again that you are the leader this Inquisition needs. No one here doubts you."</p><p>I meet her gaze, emotion welling in my eyes. "But I am a mage. How would that look?"</p><p>She smiles softly. "Mage or not, this isn't about that. This is about you. You and you alone are the person we need to lead us."</p><p>"That does not make any sense."</p><p>"I will not pretend no one will object, but times are changing." Cassandra holds her hand out to the sword, pleading silently with me to accept it. "Perhaps this is what the Maker intended. There would be no Inquisition without you. How it will serve, how it will lead; that must be yours to decide."</p><p>Staring down at the blade, I feel a tangle of emotions swirling inside of me. Becoming the Inquisitor is the very last thing I expected. The thought has never crossed my mind. I had even forgotten that we did not already have a leader. It was mentioned here and there, but I thought perhaps we might continue to lead as a group, not placing me on the top of it all.</p><p>The sword is magnificent. Truly it is one of the most wonderful things I have ever seen. Looking down at it, I can almost imagine myself reaching out and taking it. Despite all of my fears and the butterflies in my stomach, I realize that is exactly what I want to do. I do not particularly want to become their leader; I feel like the least qualified person in the world for such a thing. But there is a part of me that knows that what Cassandra said is true. I have already been leading. Not in name, but in action. We have come this far because I have fought our way here and I stood my ground for my beliefs.</p><p>All this time I have thought of myself completely unworthy. As useless and childish. Perhaps I am, but perhaps I am also what they need.</p><p>My hand takes the hilt of the blade hesitantly and I am surprised at how easily I am able to lift it, as well as how perfectly it fits in my hand. I have never held a sword before, and the sensation is a powerful one.</p><p>"Then I will do what I can to end all of this," I begin, my small voice louder than I had expected. "Corypheus must be stopped, peace must be our priority. He cannot be allowed to succeed, and I will ensure that he does not."</p><p>Cassandra nods, a smile still on her lips. "Wherever you lead us." She stands before the crowds, calling down into the masses. "Have the people been told?"</p><p>Josephine steps forwards then, her eyes alight with resolution. "They have. And soon, the world."</p><p>"Commander, will they follow?"</p><p>Cullen turns to the people at Cassandra's call. "Inquisition, will you follow?"</p><p>There is a roar throughout Skyhold that has the hairs on my body stand on end. The ferocity of their cheers presses against me, filling me with strength and willpower. Mother Giselle was right, these people really do believe in me. I am so much more to them than just the Herald of Andraste.</p><p>"Will you fight?" Cullen calls above the cheers. "Will we triumph?" The cheers do not falter, rather they increase with every second.</p><p>Off to the side I can see my friends smiling brightly, Dorian smirking, arms crossed over his chest in his typical cocky stance. With people like these behind me, I feel as though I could do anything. Suddenly Cullen's words mean more to me than mere lines to stir up enthusiasm. They have true meaning, true purpose.</p><p>Cullen turns to me then, his golden eyes alight with a fire that almost glows across the space between us. He draws his sword and thrusts it to the sky. "Your leader. Your Herald. Your Inquisitor!"</p><p>The ferocity in his tone hits me like a strong wind and captures me in its enthusiasm. I raise my own blade up high, eyes on the blue sky far above us. Today the Inquisition has been reborn, and myself along with it. I came to Haven a simple Circle mage with no real opinions, no real understanding of the world. And I left Haven barely more than a corpse. But here, in Skyhold, I suddenly feel a thousand feet tall. As the Inquisitor, I pray that I can keep my promises and make Thedas a better place for all.</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. A Private Sanctuary</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Skyhold comes to life in a way that makes my heart fill with pride. Seeing how much hard work each and every person puts into making it our new home is unbelievable. They work tirelessly day and night, and within two weeks most of the debris has been cleared and many of the damages repaired.</p><p>The troops and the bulk of the Inquisition settle themselves into large camps at the base of the mountain, by the frozen river that weaves through the valley below. I hear of plans to begin preparing more permanent structures in the next few months and those plans bring me joy as they mean that this whole Inquisition business is not some fleeting thing, that it intends to serve its purpose and remain for a while to come. As it has become my home, the thought of ever being apart from any of it, any of these people, pains my heart greatly.</p><p>With the clearing of debris comes new access to the main building, including the great hall, rotunda, library, inner courtyard, and the new and improved war room. All of which are stunning.</p><p>It is in this new war room that I hold my first meeting as the new Inquisitor. It is an odd feeling to think of myself as the leader now, looking at all my advisors and thinking that they now look to me for guidance. A twenty-three-year-old mage, of all things.</p><p>But as always, the meeting goes without much incident aside from some small, harmless bickering. After all we have been through, something so trivial only makes me smile.</p><p>When the meeting adjourns, I wait by the door to see my advisors out. As their leader, I want to take responsibility and to show my appreciation for them. Something so simple makes me feel like the leader I hope to become one day.</p><p>Cullen lingers behind the others and turns to me as I wait for him to pass. We have spoken only a little since we arrived at Skyhold and it has mostly been Inquisition matters and his flat congratulations on my new position. So for him to seek me out like this, I am unsure how to respond.</p><p>"Inquisitor, I have something for you."</p><p>I raise an eyebrow at him as he reaches into his cape.</p><p>A key. I had not expected a key. And yet there it is, now being placed gently into the palm of my hand.</p><p>"It has taken quite some time, I apologize, but your quarters are finally ready for you." His eyes meet mine only briefly and I can see the uneasiness in them. "I hope they please you. I, uh, I have never been tasked with decorating someone's quarters before. It was quite overwhelming."</p><p>I knew that there were plans of putting together my own space within Skyhold, but I had no idea that Cullen had been charged with that responsibility. The thought of him having overseen the details that will make up my private quarters makes the heat rise in my cheeks.</p><p>Cullen clears his throat and straightens his back. "If anything is not to your taste, then speak with Ser Morris, he is the new quartermaster. Oh, that is another matter I forgot to raise during the meeting. There has been a writ made to try and fill the position of your secretary. Josephine is in charge of staff matters, but she is so busy with reorganizing the Inquisition, I thought I might take that task on as part of preparing your private quarters. I will forward any applications or suitable persons to your desk."</p><p>"A secretary? Will I need one?"</p><p>He chuckles softly. "I think it for the best. You will no doubt agree when you see the pile of documents and letters that have already begun to accumulate on your desk. Your chambermaid, Yvette, I believe her name is, has already begun to fuss over the disarray."</p><p>I smile, but the gesture falls short of my eyes. Everything is becoming so overwhelming. I never thought about the paperwork, the need for a secretary. I had not even considered needing a chambermaid.</p><p>Cullen's smile fades and I can see the understanding in his eyes. "I am sorry, Inquisitor. This must be quite overwhelming."</p><p>"No, no. I am the one who should apologize. You have all been working so hard and I have barely lifted a finger since we arrived. If there is more that I can do to help, then please tell me."</p><p>He smiles again, almost wistfully. "You risked your life to save us at Haven. That is a debt not easily repaid. Besides, you were so badly injured you needed the time to regain your strength and to heal."</p><p>My eyes lower to the floor for a moment, thinking of what happened. "I never did ask, but do we know how many people were lost?"</p><p>His breath catches slightly, but he continues to smile, even if it is forced. "Most of our people made it to Skyhold. It could have been worse. Morale was low, but it has increased greatly since you accepted the role of Inquisitor."</p><p>I sigh, my eyes on my hand as I turn the key to my quarters over several times. "It sounds so odd, doesn't it? Lady Inquisitor Trevelyan. I still can hardly believe it."</p><p>"Not at all. It has a rather nice ring to it, I think."</p><p>My eyes meet his and I smile warmly, my cheeks burning. "I just hope that the faith you all seem to have in me is not misplaced. You should know that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing."</p><p>He chuckles and the sound is like music to my ears. He has been so tense since Haven; it is nice to see him relax a little. "None of us do. But we do what needs to be done and we make the decisions that we must. If it means anything, I believe you were meant for this role. I could think of no one better suited."</p><p>"That means more than you know, Commander. Truly."</p><p>We hold eye contact for a moment, the intensity of his golden eyes burning into mine, drawing me in. I want to say something, to tell him how it was my thoughts of him that kept me going, that saved me in those mountains. If I had not fought, he might never have found me.</p><p>I swallow hard, averting my eyes. "Our escape from Haven," I say, my voice low and shaken. "It was close. I am relieved that you...that so many made it out." Maker preserve me, I am not very good at this sort of thing.</p><p>There is a flash of something in his eyes then and he steps slightly closer to me.</p><p>"As am I." He hesitates and I am certain he means to change the subject, but then he lowers his voice, speaking so softly that his words seem to caress my ears as they reach me. "You stayed behind, and worse, you almost died." His face wrinkles in pain and he sighs. "I will not allow the events at Haven to happen again. You have my word."</p><p>The emotion in his tone is overwhelming and part of me wants to reach out and embrace him, to hold him close and promise him that none of that will ever happen again. I will not allow it. I never want to have to turn my back on him like that again, to think to myself that I will never see his face again. It hurt too much the first time.</p><p>The door at the end of the corridor opens and Leliana pokes her head through, eyeing the two of us.</p><p>"Sorry in interrupt," she says through the faintest of smiles. "Commander, you are needed in your office. Rylen and his men have returned."</p><p>Cullen glances to me for the briefest moment, no doubt catching the hint of happiness on my face at the mention of Rylen's safe return. He has been in Haven with the Chargers sorting through debris and trying to gather what they could from the site. To know he has returned without incident removes a great weight from my shoulders.</p><p>Cullen clears his throat and bows respectfully to me. Whatever moment we may have just shared has now passed as his expression has resumed its usual business casual. "I hope your quarters are to your liking, Inquisitor. Good day." He marches off down the corridor after Leliana and I am left on my own, holding the key he gave me and wondering what in the Maker's name am I going to do about these ridiculous feelings.</p><p>Unlocking the door with a click, I push into the room beyond and am met with a set of steep stone steps. I take each one slowly, my fingers running the length of the wall as I climb, marvelling in the feeling of joy that comes with knowing that this place is all my own.</p><p>As a child growing up in the family estate in Ostwick I had shared my room with my younger siblings. When my magic emerged at age ten, I was then sent to the Ostwick Circle and slept in large dormitories with many other apprentices. Even when I passed my Harrowing and moved to the mage's quarters, I still shared my room with three others. Never in my life have I had a space to call my own. The hut in Haven was the first time that I had some privacy, but with the placement in the heart of the town and with the constant flow of people around me it had never felt like my own space. But this place, this is something else. Who knows how long it has been empty, and now it has been furnished and decorated for me and me alone.</p><p>When I reach the top of the stairs, I brace myself for what I might see. Whatever Cullen has done to the room, I am certain that I will adore it because it will have been he who put it there.</p><p>Turning towards the room I find my mouth falling open with shock at the unbelievable scale of the space. The ceiling feels like it is high enough to reach the clouds it is so far above me. And the room itself is far larger than I had expected. This one room is easily ten times bigger than my hut in Haven had been.</p><p>And the bed. I hurry over to it and run a hand through the softness of the fur covers. Everything about it is embracing and warm. I cannot wait to curl up under them and lose myself in blissful sleep.</p><p>There is an enormous hearth across the room, placed elegantly between a window and a glass door leading to one of the two large balconies. The other is to my left. Two sofas create a cosy little space in front of the hearth where I can imagine myself reading alchemy books and taking naps, flames flickering and crackling by my head.</p><p>I move towards the desk, immediately struck by the enormous piles of papers that Cullen warned me about. He was not joking in the slightest. It does not seem possible for there to be any paper left in the world outside of this room judging by those stacks in front of me.</p><p>Glancing at the view out of one of the ornate windows, I decide to investigate one of the balconies. Pushing through the glass door I am greeted by a cool breeze that embraces me and draws me outside.</p><p>Leaning over the bannister I can see the rest of Skyhold far below. I am reminded of the Circle tower where I spent more than half of my life locked away, where only the views of the Amaranthine Sea from small windows had been my view of the world beyond the stone walls. I remember the night Gabriel snuck me onto the balcony and I felt the wind for the first time in forever.</p><p>My eyes close and I inhale as much of the fresh, cool air as I can, marvelling at how it feels. I have forgotten what it was like to be locked away, caged like I was for so long. I have forgotten how lucky I am to be free, to be able to marvel in the simple things such as these. My heart ached for many years just thinking about the wind, about the grass, the snow, the trees. And now I have all of those at my fingertips.</p><p>I let out a long sigh, resting my head in my hands, elbows on the bannister. I still hardly believe that this is my life now. It does not feel like a life that belongs to me at all. I feel as though if I were to close my eyes now, all of this might just fade away into nothing and I will awaken in my bed in the Circle tower once again, lost, lonely and empty as I was then.</p><p>I stay there like that for a while just watching the distant figures of anyone and everyone as they move about in the courtyards and battlements below. One figure in particular catches my attention, armour shimmering in the afternoon sunlight, red cape lit up like a beacon. I watch with longing eyes as he crosses the courtyard and takes the stairs to the battlements. He pauses to speak with a small group of soldiers, then disappears through the gate tower and from my view.</p><p>I sigh and straighten myself. Even after all that has happened, I am still as confused as ever as to what that man is thinking. There are moments when I am sure he has feelings for me, and then they vanish into thin air as though they had never even existed.</p><p>One day I will have to build up the courage to confront him about it and save myself from this constant misery. But today is not that day. That mountainous pile of documents on my desk is calling my name.</p><p>Before long, the sun begins to set, and I wonder why it is becoming harder to read the letters in front of me. When I glance out the window, I find there is very little light remaining outside and I sigh at the thought of having missed dinner.</p><p>The door to my chamber creaks open and soft steps begin to climb the stairs. A young dwarven woman with red hair and freckles appears before me holding a tray of food. She introduces herself as Yvette, my chambermaid.</p><p>"You weren't at dinner so Lady Montiliyet asked me to bring this to you." She places the tray on the edge of the desk where there is barely enough empty space that is not covered in documents. "Pleasure to meet you, Inquisitor. You're as beautiful as everyone says."</p><p>I laugh softly and reach for a bread roll from the tray. "That is kind, but people must have very low standards."</p><p>"Not at all, my lady. It is the truth. You must have men falling at your feet."</p><p>I shake my head. "Maker, no. I believe they take one look at me and run in the opposite direction."<br/>She raises an eyebrow. "Those are not the rumours I have heard."</p><p>"Oh, no," I say through a groan. "Please tell me you do not mean that silly rumour about the Knight-Captain and I."</p><p>She smiles shyly. "Well, yes, but there are plenty more where that came from."</p><p>I frown. "There are more?"</p><p>She nods. "Every man you so much as glance at, basically."</p><p>I slump back into my chair with a sigh. "I suppose I should take it as a compliment, but it is still incredibly frustrating. My private life is no one's business but my own."</p><p>There is warmth in her eyes. "You're the Inquisitor, my lady. Nothing is private anymore." She glances at the room around us. "But I hope having this space helps. Commander Cullen was adamant that this be your private sanctuary. If you don't mind me saying, my lady, but I believe the Commander cares for you a great deal."</p><p>I sigh and close my eyes, picturing his smile and remembering the sound of his laugh. "Perhaps he does."</p><p>She leaves me then, feeding the fire a couple of pieces of wood before disappearing back down the stairs, the door creaking closed behind her.</p><p>Glancing over at the food on the tray I feel my stomach turn with a mix of hunger and longing.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. To Be A Leader</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I do not wake with the sunrise as I did in Haven, instead I am greeted by a fully risen sun when I open my eyes. I groan at the sharp pain that shoots through my head and I remind myself not to stay up that late ever again.</p><p>With a sigh I glance over at the desk in the corner of the room. At least I managed to get through all of the documents. I will start the day ahead and that makes me happy.</p><p>Yvette arrives soon after I wake and draws me a bath. Cullen turned one of the small rooms in the chamber into a small bathroom and seeing it for the first time makes my entire body sing. It has been so long since I had a proper bath, so as I lower myself into the hot water filled with embrium petals I marvel in the sensation that consumes me. The bed had been amazing, but this bath is magnificent.</p><p>Yvette makes my bed and clears my chamber of any mess while I soak myself until my skin begins to wrinkle. At that point she draws me out, saying something about preserving my perfect skin, and helps me to dress in fresh robes.</p><p>Standing before my mirror I run fine fingers through the length of my long, golden hair. It has now grown to my waist and I wonder what to do with it. As the Inquisitor, perhaps my usual simple plait is no longer suitable. But I cannot think of what else to do with it.</p><p>"Perhaps a braid or a bun," Yvette suggest, she too eyeing my hair. "The length will make it difficult to style."</p><p>"I know, but I have no heart to cut it. Vivienne suggested I shave my head like hers, and while it suits her perfectly, I am afraid I would only end up looking like a nug's behind."</p><p>Yvette laughs. "As badly as I would love to see that I think bald is not your style." She approaches me and lifts a few strands to play with. "What about some low buns. Keep the style that you like so much but have it more elegant and out of the way."</p><p>I raise an eyebrow. "Can you show me what you mean?"</p><p>She nods and I seat myself in front of the mirror, legs crossed in front of me. I watch her reflection as she works, brushing, twisting, and styling. And soon she is done.</p><p>"What do you think?"</p><p>I examine myself in the mirror, turning my head from side to side. She has made two small buns at the base of the back of my head, small braids encircling them and holding them in place. While the back is elegant and refined, strands of hair still hang about my face in a way that feels familiar to my previous hairstyle.</p><p>"I love it!" I say with a bright smile, marveling at her work. "Truly, I think it is perfect."</p><p>Yvette smiles in return. "I am glad. It suits you. You look dignified and mature."</p><p>She is right. I do not look twenty-three like this. I look like I could be old enough to take on my new position. That alone makes me feel wonderful.</p><p>When I stand, I hug Yvette warmly, taking the little dwarven woman by surprise. "Thank you so, so much, Yvette. You are amazing."</p><p>She blushes brightly and clears her throat. "Any time, my lady." She pauses. "Oh, my lady I forgot to mention. A rather tall and rugged looking soldier came by this morning with a trunk. Told me that it belongs to you."</p><p>I frown, unsure who she could mean. But when she signals to a familiar looking trunk in the corner of my room, my heart rises to my throat. "H-how is that possible?" I hurry to it, prying it open to find all of my things still within it. There is a letter resting on the top of my robes and I hurry to unfold it.</p><p>Lady Inquisitor;</p><p>I heard you got a promotion. Good for you. You probably think you are unworthy, so this is a quick letter to tell you that you are wrong. You are the only person who could deserve to lead us. You will do a fantastic job. I just know it.</p><p>I have been assigned to train the troops down in the valley camp. Come stop by sometime if you get tired of all that leader business. I am sure the troops would love to catch a glimpse of their beautiful leader. I would not mind it either.</p><p>Your faithful friend;</p><p>Rylen</p><p>"Rylen, I do not deserve you." I can feel Yvette's curious eyes on me. "These are my things, but I thought them lost at Haven. He must have found them during his excavation mission. I can hardly believe it."</p><p>"You have some wonderful people looking after you, my lady."</p><p>I laugh softly. "Yes, yes I do."</p><p>Then with a smile planted firmly on my lips, I take the steps down out of the chamber by twos, thrilled to be starting my day feeling so refreshed and hopeful for the day to come.</p><p>As I step out into the great hall, I almost collide with a messenger who startles and quickly salutes, head hung low.</p><p>"Apologies, Inquisitor," he says quickly. "The Commander sent for you. He wishes to speak with you in his office."</p><p>I raise an eyebrow and feel some butterflies begin to rise in my stomach. "Thank you, uh-" Of course I do not know the soldier's name. I am not sure why I even attempted to think of it.</p><p>"Eugene, Lady Inquisitor. Commander Cullen's personal secretary."</p><p>I offer him a bright smile that makes the man blush. "A pleasure. I will head directly to the Commander's office now. Thank you."</p><p>He salutes again and I begin on my way towards the gatehouse tower that Cullen has claimed as his office, my mind reeling at what he could possibly want to see me about.</p><p>I knock softly on Cullen's door, my nerves threatening to take hold of me. When there is no response, I knock a little harder.</p><p>"Come in."</p><p>I frown a little at the strangled tone of Cullen's voice that is clear even through the door. Something must be wrong. I push into his office without hesitation, unsure what to expect. However, I find Cullen bent over his desk, hands steadying him in place. He glances up to me when I enter, his expression as worn as his voice had been.</p><p>His eyes linger on me for a moment, as though deciding whether to say what is clearly on his mind. "As leader of the Inquisition, there is something I must tell you." He sighs, eyes cast downward. He tries to straighten himself, hand on the hilt of his sword, but there is something low about him, something distant.</p><p>I find myself stepping towards his desk. My heart in my throat with worry. "Whatever it is, I am willing to listen."</p><p>There is a flash of warmth in his eyes as they meet mine again and the faintest hint of a smile. "Right...thank you." As he leans back over his desk, I notice the box in front of him for the first time. I cannot clearly make out its contents from where I stand, but his following words confirm to me its purpose. "Lyrium grants templars our abilities, but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer, some go mad, others die." He pauses, swallowing hard before continuing. "We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the templars here. But I...no longer take it." The softness of his voice laced with the slightest quiver of pain takes me off guard.</p><p>I step further towards the desk, now almost touching it. "For how long?" My voice is so shaky that I can barely speak, the words catching in my throat. I have always known that templars use lyrium for their abilities and wondered at the risks of it. I have known mages who have suffered from addiction in the Circle tower. Though our potions are diluted, any amount of lyrium has its risks. It is why I have never used such potions.</p><p>Cullen lets go of the breath he is holding. "When I joined the Inquisition. It has been months now."</p><p>"But why? It's dangerous!"</p><p>My tone has him glancing up at me for a moment. "After what happened in Kirkwall I couldn't. I will not be bound to the Order, or that life, any longer. Whatever the suffering, I accept it." There is a darkness in his eyes as he straightens once again. It is that look, the one that he gets now and then when he becomes unexplainably angry. Now I know why it is there, and the true cause is worse than I had imagined.</p><p>"But I would not put the Inquisition at risk," he continues, his tone growing darker. "I have asked Cassandra to...watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty."</p><p>His bluntness slices into me and I am unsure how to respond. His eyes are so serious, so sure and yet so unsure in the same moment that I take a moment to gather my thoughts. Such a heavy burden must weigh him down immensely. And to be going through such a thing completely alone and unaided, I cannot fathom how much strength that must take. I no longer blame him for any of his mood swings. I only wish I could help.</p><p>I clear my throat, trying to push aside my emotions. "Are you in pain?" My lip quivers slightly, but I pray he does not notice. I do wish he had told me sooner. I feel so awful for not having asked when I noticed all those times when he looked unwell.</p><p>"I can endure it." The curt reply wounds me a little, but the confidence in his voice reassures me slightly.</p><p>Cullen watches me with empty eyes then, waiting for my response. I keep his gaze for a short while, trying to find any hint of his feelings about all of this, but find nothing. He has resumed his stoic persona that he often does. I cannot read him.</p><p>I nod once, pushing aside my feelings. I want nothing more than to ask him further, to push him until he breaks down and tells me the truth of his suffering. But I know how selfish that would be and know that is not what he needs. What he needs is strength and to be reassured of what he is doing. And I truly believe that giving up lyrium is the right thing. No one should be bound unwillingly to such a substance.</p><p>"Thank you for telling me," I say with as much confidence as I can muster. "I respect what you are doing."</p><p>My words and understanding seem to take him by surprise, as for a moment he is unsure what to say. "Thank you, Inquisitor." And then the persona appears once more. "The Inquisition's army must always take priority. Should anything happen, I will defer to Cassandra's judgement."</p><p>The matter-of-fact tone is disheartening. I cannot imagine losing him like this, both as my Commander and as a companion. And as I take my leave of his office, I find myself imaging all kinds of horrible scenarios where I lose him, and I never bothered to tell him how I feel.</p><p>I spend the rest of the morning with Dorian in the library. He has begun to research Corypheus' link to Tevinter and I try to aid him as best I can. It is tedious work going through endless books and documents that he has managed to collect since our arrival in Skyhold, but I do my best. This whole ancient magister business has left Dorian quite flustered and on edge more than usual. He tries to hide it behind snide comments and his usual sugar-coated insults, but there is pain in his eyes that makes me want to do whatever I can to help him mend it. And after my encounter with Cullen earlier, I desperately need the companionship and the distraction.</p><p>"Thank you for helping me with this," Dorian says softly from across the table, piles of open books between us. "You have a million more important things you should be doing, and yet here you are. Slaving away with little old me looking for information that may or may not even exist."</p><p>I offer him a kind smile, trying to speak to him more with my eyes than with my words, as I know how much he dislikes getting emotional. "You are worth it, Dorian Pavus."</p><p>He blushes wildly and clears his throat. "I do believe you are a good deal too generous for my liking."</p><p>I laugh. "So, would you prefer that I am mean to you?"</p><p>"Perhaps." His smile turns slightly wicked. "I do like it when you are naughty."</p><p>My laugh fills the library, and all eyes turn to us. I cover my mouth to quiet myself.</p><p>Dorian eyes me for a moment, raising a dark eyebrow. "I know this is a question that has been asked to death, but I cannot help myself. How are things between you and your sweet Commander?"</p><p>I should have seen that one coming. He hasn't cornered me about it since we arrived at Skyhold so I knew he would eventually. But after my earlier conversation with Cullen and learning of his struggles in cutting out lyrium makes my heart ache a little.</p><p>"There is nothing to say."</p><p>He leans forward, his voice low. "That's not what I hear, my dear."</p><p>"Whatever rumours you have heard, I guarantee they aren't true. Yvette has already told me most of them and, while they are creative, they are nonsense."</p><p>There is disappointment in his eyes. "I knew I shouldn't trust anything that Iron Bull says. It was a good deal too steamy to be the truth."</p><p>I raise an eyebrow. "Maker's breath, I really don't want to know."</p><p>He sighs and crosses his arms. "A shame really. I was beginning to think perhaps the Commander had a backbone after all."</p><p>A backbone. Suddenly I am reminded of that day in the mountains when I had seen Cullen shirtless. My entire body begins to heat up.</p><p>"Oh my, are we having some naughty thoughts?" Dorian leans close to me again. "Oh, please share, please, please, please."</p><p>I pick up a book and threaten to throw it at him. He raises his hands defensively.</p><p>"Please, not the face!"</p><p>I slam it back down onto the table. "Then stop prying. Besides, he has more important things to think about than me."</p><p>Dorian appears genuinely insulted by that. "Are you serious? More important than you? What in Thedas makes you think that?"</p><p>I shrug, unable to tell him about Cullen's problems as they are not mine to share. "This is the Inquisition. We all have more important things to worry about."</p><p>He eyes me warmly, clearly aware that something more is going on to make me say such things. "You sell yourself far too short. I would argue you are the most important person in all of Thedas. I am sure many more people would agree."</p><p>I sigh and rise to my feet. "I should go. I have a meeting in the war room shortly."</p><p>Dorian offers a soft smile. "Have a wonderful day, darling girl."</p><p>I descend the stairs that lead from the library, down into the rotunda that Solas has claimed as his workspace. I find him fully absorbed in his paintings.</p><p>"They are looking wonderful," I say as I watch him.</p><p>He startles as though not having noticed my arrival. "Inquisitor. Thank you. I thought it important to document your achievements. Writing them in books as long paragraphs is worthwhile, however, words cannot always capture what it was truly like. Not everyone can wander the Fade as I do to relive the echoes of the past."</p><p>His intentions warm my heart and seeing the scenes he has begun to depict stir mixed emotions within me. I take pride in what we have achieved as an organization, but there are more than a few painful memories mixed within them.</p><p>"I look forward to see it when it is done."</p><p>There is a hint of something in his eyes then that I cannot put my finger on, but he covers it easily with a smile. "Of course, Inquisitor."</p><p>I leave him to his work and move on into the great hall. Varric is there at his table bent over paper, quill in hand. He smiles to me as I pass.</p><p>"Off to another important meeting?"</p><p>I nod. "They are never ending, it would seem."</p><p>He chuckles. "No rest for the wicked, or so they say."</p><p>I laugh and wave to him as I head towards the door that leads into Josephine's office.</p><p>"Inquisitor." Josephine greets me with a smile, glancing up at me for barely a moment before hurriedly completing whatever document she had been working on. "You are early."</p><p>I take a seat on one of the chairs in front of her desk, relaxing into it with a long sigh. "I wouldn't get used to it. We both know how awful I am with timing."</p><p>She laughs softly. "Yes, well, we are thankful for you regardless." She signs the document and adds it to a pile to her right. "I hear you were up late last night completing your own paperwork. I do hope you allowed yourself enough time to rest. You are still not completely healed."</p><p>"I am fine, Josie," I promise her with a smile. "But I would like to go on record in saying that bed is phenomenal. Truly, where did Cullen find that thing? And that bath." I practically swoon at the memory of the hot water. "Every inch of me is eternally grateful."</p><p>Someone half chokes behind me and I turn to see Cullen in the doorway, Leliana behind him. He is blushing from ear to ear, his hand scratching at the back of his neck.</p><p>"I, uh, I'm pleased you find them to your liking, Inquisitor. I had both brought in from Val Royeaux."</p><p>If I could, I would have jumped into the hearth and gladly turned to ash. Why am I always making such an idiot of myself in front of everyone?</p><p>Leliana tries to cover up her smile but fails miserably. "Come now, we should get to work." She squeezes past Cullen who seems to only just now notice her presence.</p><p>"Oh, yes, of course," he mumbles, following after her.</p><p>Josephine and I both trail behind them, my eyes fixed on Cullen's back as he walks in front of us. It feels odd to see him so normal, casual even, considering all he told me this morning. I begin to further question the true depth of his suffering. If he is able to hide it this well, I worry just how bad those days are when he cannot.</p><p>Cullen holds the door open for Josephine and I, eyes going between us uneasily.</p><p>I force a smile as I pass him, hoping to seem like my usual self. "Thank you, Commander."</p><p>During the meeting, my advisors bring my attention to the assassination of Empress Celene of Orlais that Dorian and I learned of in the dark future we saw in Redcliffe.</p><p>"Can we not send word? Warn the Empress?"</p><p>"We have tried," Josephine replies with a sigh. "But it would seem that none of our messages have been able to reach Her Grace."</p><p>"The Empress is holding a ball at the Winter Palace in four months' time at the insistence of her cousin, the Grand Duchess Florianne de Chalons. We are working to secure invites."</p><p>I nod slowly, considering all of what has been said. "Very well. Then we will do everything we can to save the Empress."</p><p>The meeting ends soon after, a handful of smaller tasks discussed having run by the group smoothly. As my advisors shuffle from the room, I linger behind, lost in thought. Staring down at the map on the war table, my eyes find the place along the Free Marcher coast where the Ostwick Circle tower stands. There is only a small dot signaling its existence and I wonder to myself what level of fuss Cullen would make if I took a quill to it and made it a little larger so that I might find it easier next time.</p><p>"Inquisitor?" Cullen stands by the door, his eyes on my back. "Is something the matter?"</p><p>I blink away my thoughts and straighten myself. "No, of course not."</p><p>It is so clearly a lie. My mind is reeling from all manner of emotions and thoughts. Cullen's silent struggle, the fact I had not thought to ask him on his health, memories of the Circle, thoughts of Nani and Landen, and even now I find my mind wondering at what became of Gabriel. No matter how hard I have tried to pretend he never existed, now and then his face reappears and the thoughts of what happened between us only grow more painful.</p><p>Cullen comes to stand beside me, our arms almost close enough to touch. "If you are worried about the Winter Palace, then you should know that we will all be by your side, as always. You needn't feel overwhelmed."</p><p>His words are kind, but they fall incredibly short of my true worries.</p><p>I sigh and shake my head. "Actually, I was thinking about the Circle." I can feel his eyes on me, and I stop short of telling him everything.</p><p>"Do you miss it?" He laughs at himself shyly, running a hand down his face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I meant; do you miss the people? The memories." He groans. "Forgive me. I am not particularly good with words."</p><p>I find myself smiling despite the sadness that lingers within me. "Nor am I, Commander. But yes, I do."</p><p>"Anyone in particular?"</p><p>I eye him then, curious as to what that desperation in his eyes means. "Yes and no," I reply when no understanding comes to me. "It is complicated. I had very few friends and I lost most of them."</p><p>"You mentioned losing friends before. Were they at the tower when it fell?"</p><p>I close my eyes, familiar faces of lost ones floating around in my mind. "Grand Enchanter Lydia was like a mother to me. My family handed me over to the Circle and that was that. She took me under her wing when she saw how capable my skills were." I pause, my bottom lip beginning to quiver. "Nani was my best friend. We barely knew each other a couple of weeks, but she was everything I thought a sister should be. And Landen, the templar she loved, was nothing short of special as well. I brought them together, and they died on that mountain."</p><p>Tears begin to stream from my eyes, and I fight to wipe them away before Cullen can see them.</p><p>"Forgive me, I do not know what has come over me."</p><p>"Inquisitor..." His tone is so low and so sweet that it makes my heart race.</p><p>I turn to him then, eyes piercing directly into his, taking him by surprise. "Why have you never said my name? Everyone else either calls me by it religiously or has at least attempted to use it at some point. But not you. Why is that? Is my title really all you see when you look at me?"</p><p>His eyes grow wide at my words and immediately he turns a dark shade of red. "I, uh, I...I'm sorry." He steps back slightly, increasing the distance between us to gather his words. "You are the Inquisitor. I thought it the proper way to address you."</p><p>I sigh and turn back towards the map. "I am just a person, Cullen. Inquisitor is still just a title."</p><p>His breath catches when I say his name and he takes a smaller step towards me. "I do believe earlier in Josephine's office was the first time I ever heard you say my own name."</p><p>I glance over at him, then back at the map when the intensity of his gaze startles me. "Yes, well, I suppose I thought the same as you. And you never objected to using your title, so I stuck to it."</p><p>He chuckles softly, his body relaxing a little. "I suppose we are both a little stubborn."</p><p>"Then will you consider using my name?" I ask, biting my lip. "Even if it is just now and then?"</p><p>His eyes meet mine again, the gold within them shining brightly. "I will try."</p><p>I smile then, still flustered from this whole discussion. "Then I promise to use yours more as well. Even if it feels like we are the only people holding this world together, people are still people. We are still people. I don't want to lose that to all this madness. I want to stay Astri Trevelyan, even if that last name means nothing to me most days. It is still mine."</p><p>Cullen chuckles. "You are an incredibly strong woman."</p><p>I laugh. "I believe the word most people use is stubborn, yourself on more than one occasion."</p><p>There is a bright flush across his cheeks at what I can assume as the memory I myself have permanently linked to that word. The thought of him carrying me through the mountain camp has my own cheeks flushing.</p><p>Maker's breath I want to touch him again so badly.</p><p>"I, uh, we should probably return to our duties."</p><p>His words disappoint me, but he is right. I know there is yet another enormous stack of documents that await me on my desk and I heave a sigh.</p><p>Cullen chuckles and holds the door open for me. "What is it they say? No rest for the wicked."</p><p>I find myself smiling as I walk to my chamber thinking of the hilarity of having heard that phrase twice in one day.</p><p>With a groan I slam my forehead onto my desk and onto what feels like the hundredth letter I have written today. The sun set a while ago and I ate my dinner at my desk once again. Yvette came to collect the empty tray only moments ago and as soon as she left again the frustration of all this paperwork hit me.</p><p>"Tough crowd?"</p><p>I glance up to see Dorian perched against the bannister across the room. I had not heard him enter. "Something like that," I say through a yawn.</p><p>He meanders to my desk, hands held suspiciously behind his back. "My dear, if it were not for your groan as I entered, I might not have even known you were in here. That pile is madness." He glances over one of the documents on top of the pile. "Any juicy gossip I should know about? You know how I adore a good scandal."</p><p>I sigh and stretch my arms above my head. "Are you here just to poke your nose into Inquisition business, or are you hiding something alcoholic behind your back that might just turn this boring night around?"</p><p>He gives a hearty laugh at that and holds out a bottle of whiskey. "You know me too well. I am unsure whether to be flattered or horrified that I let myself become so transparent."</p><p>I laugh and lead the way to the sofas by the hearth. "You couldn't be less transparent if you tried. Not in that outfit anyway."</p><p>Dorian guffaws and seats himself leisurely across one of the sofas. "I do believe I am corrupting you with my sass. I am oddly full of pride about that. I have always wanted an evil minion."</p><p>I retrieve two glasses from my sidebar and hand them to him with a suggestive grin. "Now that sounds like a lot of fun."</p><p>He raises his eyebrows. "I do like where this is going. Now, hush, before I get ahead of myself. I need to save some of that energy for my little rendezvous later." He gives a suggestive wink before pouring our drinks.</p><p>I seat myself down on the opposite sofa and lean towards him. "Rendezvous? With whom?"</p><p>He chuckles and hands me a glass. "Now, now, a man should never kiss and tell."</p><p>I groan and slump back in my seat, panicking as my drink nearly spills from the glass in my hand. "Now I am very curious."</p><p>Dorian smiles victoriously. "Exactly. Now drink up. It is almost your bedtime."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Lanathari</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I dream of Nani and Landen again and awaken well before dawn, too haunted by my memories to try and sleep back. So, I wrap myself in the fine silk dressing gown I find in my drawers and drag a chair onto the balcony where I can best watch the sunrise.<br/>
The morning is quiet as I watch the light spread across the horizon. There are a few people moving about down in the courtyards far below and several guards pass routinely on their rounds along the battlements.<br/>
Birds begin to sound as the sun grows a little higher and I let out a long sigh at the thought of having to deal with the documents that I had not managed to get through the night before. But a few drinks with Dorian was worth it. I went to bed with a smile on my face, despite the dark cloud of my new duties hanging over my head.<br/>
Yvette arrives to tend to the fire and is surprised to find me awake so early.<br/>
“Are you unwell, my lady?” She asks when she finds me.<br/>
I put on a smile to reassure her. “Not at all. I do not normally sleep so late. I enjoy watching the sunrise.” It is not a lie, but it also not the truth. While it is unlike me to sleep in, I truly do not feel myself this morning. Not after those dreams.<br/>
She appears reassured and leaves me then to fetch my breakfast.<br/>
I let out a long sigh and allow myself to relax a little while longer. Another long day will begin shortly. I want to savour the moment.<br/>
There are footsteps on my chamber stairs, and I frown in confusion. It has barely been more than a minute or two since Yvette left. It is not possible to travel all the way to the kitchen and back in that time, even for a busybody like her.<br/>
“Inquisitor?”<br/>
I jump to my feet and peek into the chamber to find Cullen glancing around the room in search of me. I feel my cheeks redden as he notices my bed unmade and empty. I am also frightfully aware that I am wearing nothing but a nightgown and a dressing gown.<br/>
“The maid said she was in here,” he grumbles to himself, turning back towards the stairs.<br/>
“Commander!” I call out to him, stepping into the room from the balcony. “Can I help you?”<br/>
He turns around and freezes when he sees me, eyes trailing the length of my body. “Maker’s breath!” He gasps and covers his eyes. “I am so, so sorry. Your chambermaid said you were awake and told me I could come up.”<br/>
Of course she did.<br/>
“It’s alright, Commander,” I say, trying to calm the racing of my heart. “Did you need something?”<br/>
He clears his throat and holds up the papers in his hands. “I, uh, have the applications for the position of your private secretary.”<br/>
It would be a lie to say that I do not feel a pang of disappointment at that, but I know how silly that is. Of course he is here on business. Why else would he be?<br/>
I approach him then and he instinctively takes a step backwards before realizing what he is doing. I laugh softly and take the papers from him. “You can lower your hand, Cullen. It’s not like I’m naked or anything.”<br/>
His breath catches and he hesitates a moment. Then slowly his hand lowers and I can see his beautiful golden eyes wide still with bewilderment.<br/>
I turn my attention to the papers in my hands and flick through them, glancing at the names written on them. “There are quite a few. I had not expected so many applicants.”<br/>
Cullen clears his throat and does his best to act his normal self. “You are the Inquisitor. Anyone would be honoured to hold a position so close to you.”<br/>
I fight to hold back a chuckle at his words. If only he knew what position I wanted him in close to me. Oh, sweet Maker. I need help.<br/>
“There are a few familiar names amongst them,” I say, continuing past my impure thoughts. “And a few I do not know.” A name in particular catches my eyes. It is only a single name, no listed last name. The handwriting is hurried, but I can tell that there has been some care put into it to make it appear elegant. “Lanathari.” The name sounds sweet on the tongue and intrigues the mind. I have not heard a name like it before.<br/>
Cullen nods. “A small, feisty elvhen girl. She made quite the entrance into my office when handing in her application. I am not surprised in the least that you were drawn to her. You share the same…enthusiasm.” He chuckles to himself. “She seems nice enough, but she has a look that could near split a man in half. If you are interested in her I can have someone send for her so you can meet.”<br/>
I shuffle through a few more applications but none stand out to me in the way that hers did. And so I nod. “Thank you, Commander. I would appreciate that.”<br/>
“Very well.”<br/>
Yvette appears then, balancing a tray of food. “Breakfast, my lady.”<br/>
Cullen bows. “Enjoy your meal, Inquisitor. I will have the elf sent to you today.” And then he hurries down the stairs and out of the chamber.<br/>
I turn to Yvette with a frown. “Are you purposely trying to break poor Cullen?”<br/>
She smiles knowingly. “He works day and night, my lady. He needed a little something to keep that brain of his ticking over.” Her smile turns into a smirk. “Besides, he chose that robe for you. He deserved to see the fruits of his labour.”</p><p>Another day of endless paperwork broken only by hurried meals and the usual daily war room meeting. By the time the afternoon light begins to slowly dim towards dusk, I am beyond exhausted and about ready to collapse into a miserable heap on my bed.<br/>
There is a knock at my chamber door that startles me, and I bump a few documents from the desk and onto the floor. I groan and dive down to gather them up. “Come in!” I shout as loud as I can, still cursing myself for having made a mess.<br/>
The footsteps that follow are light and unfamiliar. With my head still buried under my desk searching to ensure I have collected all that fell, I am unable to check who it is.<br/>
“Inquisitor?” She has a small voice, but there is a depth to it that I can only place as somewhere between confidence and pride, neither of which outbalances the other. It is the underlying sweetness that catches my attention the most, fighting through the richness of the rest and drawing me out from under my desk.<br/>
A small elvhen girl with a wavy bob of dark brown hair, and freckles that cover her caramel coloured skin, smiles across the chamber at me. Her ears are longer than most I have seen before and sit low on her head. Her large dark red eyes sparkle with a hint of gold. There is something about her that reminds me of Nani. Perhaps it is the warmth in her eyes, that unbridled enthusiasm. Whatever it is I am taken by it as I had been when I first met Nani. I want to get to know this girl.<br/>
“Lanathari?”<br/>
She nods, her smile widening. She crosses her arms over her chest and leans against the arm of one of the sofas. “At your service, Lady Inquisitor.”</p><p>Having a private secretary is just the thing I needed. Cullen was right. Lanathari immediately dives into her new duties with the same headstrong, no bullshit attitude she has about everything else she does. But it is not just that confident side of her that helps smooth down the rough edges I have been encountering in my duties, but also her kindness and attention to detail. She seems to read me like anyone would read a book, picking up on my cues and emotional changes as easily as if I had shouted them to her.<br/>
When I ask her about her past, she is pretty forthcoming. Formerly Dalish but left that life when she found the right moment and denounced those bindings, choosing a path of her own which led her to the Inquisition. Hearing her stories from her travels remind me of my own. We had the same eye-opening experiences with the mage-templar war, and our minds were opened by the demons we have encountered. Stories of her aiding villages who stood alone against those demons only further proves her courage and I have no doubt I have found myself somewhat of a kindred spirit.<br/>
When Dorian and Varric come to me with plans of organizing a weekly gathering in my quarters that they dub ‘Companions Night’, Lanathari dives headlong into planning and the three of them head off on their own little tangent discussing possible themes and all the best snacks to serve at such gatherings.<br/>
“Cheesecakes,” Dorian swoons as they sprawl out over my sofas, still neck deep in flowing ideas. “I attended this rather snooty party at some backwater chateau in Orlais one time and they served these little raspberry cheesecakes topped with tiny edible flowers. Marvellous things they were. I could go for some of those.”<br/>
Lanathari considers this for a moment, hand on her chin, lost in the absolute depths of her thoughts as she often is. “I tried asking Commander Sunshine about getting some sweets from Val Royaux the other day after Astri and I talked about her slightly overbearing obsession with those tiny cakes stuffed with chocolate, but he was all stuck up and ‘we have more important things that take priority right now, Lanathari’.” She snorts and crosses her arms. I must admit her impersonation of Cullen was almost spot on. “Should have seen how quickly he turned full circle when I told him it was for his darling Inquisitor. His head nearly snapped off.”<br/>
Both Dorian and Varric burst into laughter at that and I cannot help but smirk a little. Having these three here is making this tedious paperwork almost bearable.<br/>
“Speaking of Curly, please tell me you’ve put the poor guy out of his misery already.” Varric’s question is practically shouted across the room and I find myself glancing at the open balcony doors as though Cullen might be out there listening. Varric laughs and shakes his head. “I’ll take that as a no.”<br/>
I groan and toss aside my quill. “I really am never going to catch up on my work like this.”<br/>
Dorian pats the empty seat beside him. “Come, sit with us. We need more details.”<br/>
I lean back in my chair and raise my feet up to rest on my desk. “I’d rather not.”<br/>
“You used to be fun, Goldie,” Varric pouts, leaning back on the sofa.<br/>
I snort. “I still am, whatever do you mean, Varric?”<br/>
He leans closer to Lanathari with a reminiscent look in his eye. “Back in Haven she used to come drink with us in the tavern every single night. But not anymore. I bet she hasn’t even stepped foot in the Herald’s Rest yet, and the bloody thing is named after her.”<br/>
I know he means those words as a joke, but they strike a chord that has me swallowing the rising lump in my throat. He is right. I have hardly even left my quarters, let alone actually wandered around Skyhold.<br/>
Lanathari must have seen the look on my face because she immediately bounces to her feet. “I have an idea!” She squeals excitedly. “We should throw a party. A private one for the companions and advisors. The bigger staff folks too like Scout Harding, that fantastically rugged Knight-Captain, Harritt and Ser Morris. Those sorts.”<br/>
Varric chuckles and nods. “A good idea, Freckles. It’s about time our Inquisitor let down her hair a little. Literally and figuratively.”<br/>
“Speaking of hair, Astri,” Dorian says, head snapping in my direction. “Where did that idea come from? You look like you are storing acorns for winter. In style, of course, but nonetheless.”<br/>
My hand touches the small buns at the back of my head. “You don’t like it? Yvette came up with it.”<br/>
He gives a wry smile. “How quaint. It does look adorable on you, I must admit. Not sure I could say as much on anyone else, however. But next time you decide to change up your style, please do speak with me about it. Or Vivienne. She may be a good leap into the conceited category, but she knows her fashion.”<br/>
“What about my hair, Dorian?” Lanathari asks curiously and she fiddles with her bob. “What would you suggest for this chaos?”<br/>
He smiles brilliantly at her and pats her gently on the head. “I wouldn’t change a single hair on your head, dear. You are magnificent.”<br/>
I scrunch a blank piece of paper and toss it at the back of his head. “You are so two-faced, Tevinter!”<br/>
Dorian tosses his head as though shaking off the assault on his skull with elegance. “Honey, you should thank me for it. Two of me seems like quite the treat. But if you insist on being childish, then no more whiskey for you, missy.” He makes a point of sliding the bottle on the table in front of him out of my view.<br/>
“I prefer ale anyway.”<br/>
The look of horror on his face is brilliant and both Varric and Lanathari are fighting to contain their laughter.<br/>
“I see how it is. And here I thought we were friends, Inquisitor.”<br/>
A cramp in my leg has me giving up on my current position and I end up collapsing beside Dorian, yawning horrendously.<br/>
“A party, huh?” I rest my head on Dorian’s shoulder, my eyelids growing heavier by the second. “Sounds like fun.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you all like Lanathari. I adore her. She is Astri's best friend. All credit for her goes to a friend of mine. Lana is her Inquisitor and we decided to insert her into my story because I loved her so much and I wanted an in depth character to become Astri's secretary. So shout out to Ayla for having created such a beautiful and wholesome bean for us all to adore!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Parties and Chess</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For the next two weeks Lanathari throws herself into planning the party in all its detail and does her best to fend off Josephine’s attempts to hijack them. However, after Josephine makes one glorious plea about wanting to be part of the first proper party at Skyhold, and how the diplomats who will be staying with us at the time would appreciate the splendour, Lanathari gives in reluctantly and the two of them put their heads together to work out the finer details. The theme is chosen to be a watered-down version of an Orlesian Masquerade Ball, which sparks a great deal of excitement amongst the women who are handed an invite. I have to admit I like the idea. My friends are right. I desperately need some fun and a ball sounds wonderful. I have never attended a ball before, so my excitement grows with each passing day. However, my duties keep me too busy to really think too much into it and before I know it, I am being reminded that it is tomorrow.<br/>Despite the endless duties, I do my best to take the time to make myself known around Skyhold. I visit the Undercroft and meet the new arcanist Dagna who is so bright and bouncy that when I leave, following a fascinating conversation about my mark, I feel as light as a feather. I admire the new stables and check in on my horse and the horsemaster Dennet. He is more than happy with the new facilities and sings praises of the Inquisition until I sneak away to have a chat with Blackwall who has turned the back corner of the stables into a workshop. <br/>	From there I wander through the market that has established itself in the lower courtyard and introduce myself to the merchants while eyeing their wares. <br/>The more people I talk with, the more smiles appear around Skyhold. It is refreshing and heart-warming to see what a little conversation here and there can do for these people. I vow to make this a daily routine if I can. The paperwork can wait. These people need their smiles more.<br/>On my way back to my chamber late one day I encounter Varric who appears to have been waiting for me as he falls into step beside me with purpose.<br/>“Can I have a word with you, Goldie?” he asks, voice low, eyes darting around the great hall.<br/>“Of course, Varric.”<br/>He signals to my chamber door. “In private if we can. Too many ears out here.”<br/>I frown deeply. “You’re scaring me, Varric.”<br/>He tries to force a smile but says no more until we are safely within the privacy of my chambers. When he turns to me, I can see he is frowning.<br/>I seat myself on the edge of my bed. “Is something wrong?”<br/>“No, no,” he replies hurriedly. “I just have something I want to discuss with you, and I’d prefer a certain Seeker didn’t hear what I have to say.”<br/>“You and Cassandra really need to sit down and have a heart to heart,” I say with a sigh. “All of this bickering is kind of ridiculous.”<br/>“You’re telling me! But she is even more stubborn than you are. She won’t listen to me no matter what I say. At this point I think it’s a lost cause.”<br/>“Perhaps I can speak with her on your behalf.”<br/>Varric chuckles. “Good luck with that.” He sighs. “But what I wanted to talk to you about is related to Corypheus. I already told you that Hawke and I fought him before and killed him.”<br/>I nod slowly, wondering where he could be going with this. “Yes, I remember. Could have made it a little more permanent, but yes.”<br/>“Yes, yes I know. Very funny.” He scratches his head nervously. “Well, she’s here. She arrived during the night. I figured if anyone could help us figure all this out, it would be her.”<br/>My eyes widen. “You mean Hawke? The Hawke? Champion of Kirkwall? Here in Skyhold?”<br/>He chuckles again. “Yes, that Hawke. I’ve kept her out of view as best I can. She doesn’t particularly want to be paraded around. But she wants to meet with you.”<br/>I feel quite flustered at all of this. The Champion of Kirkwall is here in Skyhold to meet with me? I can hardly believe it. I half expect Dorian and Lanathari to jump out from behind the bed and tell me it is all a big prank.<br/>“Well, then, I am more than happy to meet with her. But where? When?”<br/>Varric considers my questions a moment. “The party is tomorrow night. Perhaps you could sneak away and meet her on the battlements. That way prying eyes are distracted.”<br/>I nod, agreeing with his logic. “That sounds perfect. I look forward to it. Please, if there is anything I can do to help her be more comfortable in the meantime, let me know.”<br/>Varric laughs. “She’s used to sleeping on the ground, Goldie. You should have seen her uncle’s place in Lowtown. She’ll be fine where she is.”<br/>“Please tell me you aren’t letting her sleep on the dirt somewhere.”<br/>“No, I’m not that cruel. She has taken over my chamber. Fairly sure she has slept the whole day away. Can’t blame her, she’s been on the run for months now.” There is a sadness in his eyes that I have not seen before. I have always known that Hawke is special to Varric, but by the look in his eyes when he talks about her, I know that it is the kind of friendship that is rare.<br/>“Thank you for doing this, Varric,” I say warmly, smiling over at him. “You are a true friend and fantastic companion. She is safe here. I will make sure of it.”<br/>He returns my smile with equal warmth. “I know, Goldie. I just worry about her sometimes. She’s a lot like you, actually. Stubborn and hot-headed. I suppose that’s why I like you.”<br/>I laugh and feel my heart swell with emotion. It is nice to hear him say such things about me, and to be compared to Hawke at all is an incredible honour.</p><p>After my talk with Varric I decide to visit Cassandra to perhaps lightly touch on the subject of her troubled relationship with Varric. I know I shouldn’t poke my nose into other people’s business, but the constant snide comments during meals and bickering relentlessly have begun to wear everyone down, not just myself.<br/>	I find her seated by the training dummies between Ser Morris’ office and the blacksmith, her back turned towards me. <br/>	“Cassandra?”<br/>	At the sound of my voice she scrambles to her feet, the book she had been lost in suddenly shoved behind her back.<br/>	“Inquisitor!”<br/>	I smile brightly. “Good book?” I did not know she even likes to read.<br/>	“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” She replies quickly, glancing around the courtyard.<br/>	I laugh, noting the increasing redness on her cheeks. “Are you blushing?”<br/>	She frowns. “What would I have to blush about?”<br/>	“You tell me.”<br/>	Cassandra eyes me for a moment before sighing and removing the book from behind her book. “Not that it would be of interest to you, but it is a book.”<br/>	“Yes, I know what they are, Cassandra. And I would have you know that I proudly read almost every single book in the Circle library. Years of confinement make for light entertainment elsewhere.”<br/>	She is both displeased by my tone, but also sympathetic to my unpleasant past. She sighs again. “It is one of Varric’s tales. Swords and Shields. The latest chapter.”<br/>	I glance down at the book in her hands. I am certain Varric mentioned this novel to me once. “A romance serial? And the latest chapter? Meaning you have read them all?”<br/>	Panic fills her face. “You know of it?”<br/>	I smile softly. “Varric told me about it a while ago. But why are you so shaken? You needn’t hide something like that from me.”<br/>	“You’re the Inquisitor. This is not the kind of book you would be interested in.”<br/>	I raise an eyebrow. “I may be the Inquisitor, Cassandra, but I am also a woman. I have my guilty pleasures too, you should know. And one just so happens to be romance novels as well. I snuck one out of the Circle when I travelled to the Conclave. It is in my chamber right now. You are more than welcome to borrow it sometime.”<br/>	The look on her face is priceless and I cannot help but laugh.<br/>	“You are making fun of me.”<br/>	I shake my head, determined to be serious, but my laugh will not stop. “I promise you I am not. It is the utter truth. I can go fetch it if you wish me too.”<br/>	“No, no!” She steps towards me as if about to stop me. “That won’t be necessary. I…did not expect you to be interested in such frivolous things.”<br/>	I eye her with a smile, my laughter coming to an end. “Nor I you. What an interesting passion that we share. I am quite thrilled to know this about you.”<br/>	Cassandra’s brow sharpens into a deep frown. “I beg of you, do not tell Varric.”<br/>	I bite my bottom lip. “Why ever not? I think he would be incredibly happy to know you enjoy his books.”<br/>	“I would not hear the end of it.”<br/>	I sigh, recalling the purpose of my visiting her in the first place. “I wish you both would settle whatever differences you have. It is not fair on either of you.”<br/>	She snorts. “It is not my fault he is a hateful little man who takes nothing seriously.”<br/>	I do not know why I bothered to try and smooth things over. Anytime I even mention Varric in front of her she acts this way.<br/>	“He is a good person, Cassandra. He values you more than you know.”<br/>	She shakes her head and seats herself heavily back on the stool she had been using when I startled her. “Thank you for listening, Inquisitor. But I do not wish to take any more of your time.”<br/>	The cold shoulder stings a little, but I understand that it is not my place to push the matter any further. So I wish her well and decide that maybe a drink with Bull might make me feel a little better.</p><p>With the party set for tonight, Lanathari is basically all squeaks and pacing as I take my morning bath and prepare for the day. Even Yvette looks worn out watching the elf as she practically carves a path in the floor with her frantic steps.<br/>	I chuckle as I sit cross legged in front of my mirror while Yvette does my hair as she does every morning. “Lana, I’m certain all will go perfectly. You can calm down a little.”<br/>	“I’m just too excited and nervous,” she says, finally slumping down onto one of the sofas. “This is the first ever party in Skyhold.”<br/>	“You’ve worked tirelessly. I guarantee it will be a night that everyone will remember.”<br/>	She frowns over at me. “Did you take my advice and find yourself something nice to wear? Sunshine already promised to be there. Sure, he groaned about it, but you should have seen the blush on his face when I told him I had a special dress ordered for you.”<br/>	I groan. “Are you serious? I haven’t even thought about what I am going to wear.”<br/>	She beams at that and practically dives across the room to a small package I had not even noticed was by the stairs. “Thank goodness! Now you have no choice but to wear this!”<br/>	Lanathari heads directly to my bed and begins to open the package. I exchange a concerned glance with Yvette before we both move closer to see what dress has been chosen for me.<br/>	First all I can see is a mass of soft pink silk, but when Lanathari lifts it from the box, more details appear and my breath catches. It is a simple gown with no fancy bodice or sleeves. It is made of a single layer of flawless silk that is designed to hang low on both the back and between the breasts. There is light silver leaf detailing along the front that is minimal yet elegant. Something about the thought of wearing something so stunning and somewhat suggestive makes my skin tingle. <br/>	“Sunshine is going lose his pretty little mind when he sees you in this,” Lanathari says with a suggestive wriggle of her eyebrows. “A little skin will send him crazy. Perhaps crazy enough to finally make a move.”<br/>	I bite my lip and run my fingers along the skirt of the gown. “It is beautiful. You really have outdone yourself.”<br/>	She beams over at me, teeth gleaming in the morning sunlight. “Only the best for my Astri!”</p><p>The day goes by slower than most. I tackle my usual mountain of paperwork by lunchtime with the aid of Lanathari. For lunch we dine in the great hall with everyone else, then Lanathari disappears to meet with Josephine about the party tonight. First, I head to the library to find Dorian and help him with his research some more, but he is nowhere to be found. Unsure what to do until the meeting this afternoon, I wonder aimlessly for a while before deciding to check on the new herb garden in the inner courtyard that my fellow alchemists have begun to put together.<br/>	Stepping into the courtyard my nose is immediately met with a wonderful cocktail of scents from various different herbs and flowers, and I am reminded of my years slaving over potions in classrooms back in the Circle. The memories are bittersweet, but the scents still fill me with as much joy as they had then.<br/>	As I admire the plants and task myself with identifying every single one from memory, I notice two servants across the courtyard standing together giggling and whispering. When I move closer to see what they are enthralled by, I notice Dorian in the pavilion seated at a chessboard. A smile spreads across my face and I make my way towards him, ready to pounce on him with some snide comment, but as I get closer, I notice that he is not alone. Cullen is seated opposite him, and instantly my heart flutters at the sight of him.<br/>	“Gloat all you like; I have this one.” Cullen’s unusually playful tone takes me off guard and I slow my pace a little.<br/>	“Are you sassing me, Commander?” Dorian replies with a scoff. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”<br/>	Cullen sighs, picking up a piece to move. “Why do I even-Inquisitor!” The moment he sees me approach he panics and drops the piece he was holding. As he always does when a woman enters the room, he rises to his feet. Yet another wonderful thing I have come to notice about him. There is something so completely wholesome and chivalrous in everything he does. It is these small things that continue to draw me to him.<br/>	“Leaving, are you? Does this mean I win?” Dorian is smirking at Cullen with his usual teasing eyes. His glance in my direction is a good deal too suspicious and I begin to question what this whole scenario is about.<br/>	Cullen lowers himself back into his chair slowly, still unsure what to make of my sudden appearance.<br/>	“Are you two playing nice?” My question is entirely directed at Dorian who is very aware of it.<br/>	“I’m always nice.” The smirk on his face proves otherwise. I begin to panic a little. What in the Maker’s name has he told Cullen?<br/>	Dorian resumes his focus on the game before him and moves his piece. “You need to come to terms with my inevitable victory, Commander. You will feel much better.”<br/>	Cullen smirks, perhaps the first smirk I have ever seen on his face. “Really?” He moves his own piece. “Because I just won, and I feel fine.”<br/>	Dorian glances down at the board, his face only slightly hinting at his displeasure. “Don’t get smug. There will be no living with you.” He rises elegantly to his feet and turns to leave. As he passes me, he leans into my ear. “Do thrash him for me, won’t you dear?” He gives a suggestive wink and then wanders off through the courtyard.<br/>	I sigh. He truly is ridiculous.<br/>	“I should return to my duties as well,” Cullen says, drawing my attention back to him. He gestures to the chess board. “Unless you would care for a game.”<br/>	I consider declining, knowing full well my skills at chess are average at best. I have read a number of strategy books, but I have never actually played the game. But the idea of spending time with Cullen, especially in the rare state of happiness he is in, makes me forget all about the prospect of losing and I step forward to claim the seat opposite him.<br/>	“Prepare the board, Commander.”<br/>	I watch him as he moves the pieces back into their places and marvel at the closeness of him as he reaches to aid me with my own side, the softest of smiles on his mouth. All remnants of the darkness in his eyes that I saw two weeks ago, when he told me about having ceased taking lyrium, has vanished. It has been replaced by the look of simplicity, contentment. I want nothing more than to take a deep breath and pray that this means the worst is over but knowing how well he hides these things only makes me more uneasy. How do I know that he truly feels better, or if it is just a mask over the true pain?<br/>	“As a child I played this with my sister.” Cullen’s voice pulls me from my worries and my heart races at the smile on his face. It feels like an eternity since I saw one as genuine as this one on him. It is breathtaking. “She would get this stuck up grin whenever she won.” He chuckles to himself. “Which was all the time. My brother and I practiced together for weeks. The look on her face the day I finally won.” His smile falters, a gentle sorrow deepening the lines on his forehead. “Between serving the templars and the Inquisition, I haven’t seen them in years. I wonder if she still plays.”<br/>	Hearing Cullen talk so openly about his family and his childhood releases a stream of butterflies into my stomach. We have spoken some of his past previously, but never anything specific and never of his family. I did not even know he had one.<br/>	“You have siblings?” My curiosity is evident by my tone. If I could, I would ask him every question there is to ask a person. I want to know Cullen for all he is. Both the good and the bad. I pray that he could ever want to know the same of me.<br/>	The smile returns to Cullen’s face. “Two sisters and a brother.”<br/>	My smile is a mix of emotions. Half because it seems so unfathomable for there to be other Rutherfords who might resemble him in any way, and the other half for the longing of such a bond. Despite the distance and the time apart, he speaks of his family as though they mean the world to him. I wonder what such a feeling is like.<br/>	“Where are they now?”<br/>	Cullen makes his next move and seats himself deeper into his chair. “They moved to South Reach after the Blight. I do not write to them as often as I should.”<br/>	I eye him as I make my own move, my mind reeling with the endless thoughts of Cullen as a child and playing with his siblings. It is at this moment, lost in these thoughts, that I realize he did not mention any parents. Reluctantly I will myself to ask the question, to which he responds in a pained tone.<br/>	“They died during the Blight.”<br/>	My heart sinks despite my suspicions of their deaths. “I am sorry.”<br/>	His smile is warm and embracing, his eyes lingering on mine longer than I expect. He clears his throat. “Oh, my turn.”<br/>	I watch his move carefully, trying to pull together the knowledge of chess I had gained from my books. He is definitely more practiced at the game, that is obvious. And his strategy is subtle yet confident. <br/>	“Forgive me, but you have mentioned little of your own family. Are you not on good terms?”<br/>	Cullen’s question takes me off guard. In all my curiosity about him, I had not even considered that he might be curious about me.<br/>	I fight back the lump in my throat. “I, uh, no, we are not.”<br/>	It is clear that he is sorry for having mentioned them by the sympathetic look in his eyes, but I can see yet more questions within them.<br/>	I let out a long breath. “From what little I can remember; I have siblings of my own. I am the second eldest. Rawdon, my older brother, I am told has assumed the role of bann since my father’s death a few years ago. He is married with two sons, but I could not tell you their names, nor their ages. And my younger siblings are my brothers Shay and Leif, and the youngest is my only sister, Cynthia. Last I saw of them, they were children. I was sent to the Circle when I was ten, the same day my magic surfaced.” My voice progressively gets weaker as I speak, the words meaning little more to me than if I were reading a useless scribble I wrote months ago on something I cannot remember.<br/>	“Forgive me,” Cullen repeats, eyes cast downward. “Josephine said you were sent away at a young age. I did not know how young.”<br/>	I clear my throat and try to regain my composure. “It’s alright, Commander. I-I have lived with these things for a while now. These memories only make me stronger. My name may be meaningless, but I have found my worth elsewhere.” I want to believe those words, I truly do, but my belief falls incredibly short. The truth is more complicated than that.<br/>	Cullen eyes me as though seeing through my words as clearly as I do. But he offers a smile. “If your family could only see you now. See what you have become and all you have done.”<br/>	I laugh softly. “I am sure they would grovel at my feet. That is the kind of people they are. I was supposed to grow into an elegant and obedient young lady and marry some wealthy nobleman and produce children. My magic meant none of that was possible. And so, I was useless to them. Now that I am the head of the Inquisition, they would want nothing more than to tell me they are sorry. But I do not care to hear it. Empty apologies are useless and a waste of everyone’s time.”<br/>	“Do they know you survived the Conclave?”<br/>	I give a shrug. “I do not know. I suppose they probably do, since my name is so well known now. But I have not heard from them. Not yet.”<br/>	“Do you expect to hear from them?”<br/>	“Honestly, yes. They adore politics and think of nothing but of their own personal gain. I would almost guarantee it.”<br/>	Cullen offers a sympathetic smile, but the discussion ends there, and I am thankful for it. I know it is only right that I share my own past in order to learn his, but any thoughts of my family always pain me. The betrayal I felt then when I was ten years old is as ripe as it is now at twenty-three.<br/>	Our game continues for longer than I think either of us expected. Despite my lack of practice, I manage to keep pace with Cullen fairly smoothly. I can see by the increasing smile on his face that he is impressed with my skills. I bite my lip to try and keep my swooning from being too obvious.<br/>	Cullen chuckles at my last move. “I am impressed. Dorian did not put up half the fight as you.”<br/>	I sigh, remembering that it was Dorian who had sat here before me, no doubt prying into things that he should not be. “Believe me, I am as surprised as you are.”<br/>	He raises an eyebrow. “Oh really? Why do you say that?”<br/>	Heat rises in my cheeks. “I have never actually played chess before.”<br/>	This has him eyeing me with a mix of curiosity and disbelief. “Are you serious?”<br/>	I nod, making my next move. “Indeed. I never thought to use one of the tables in the Circle. It always looked so boring to me. I regret that a little now. I am finding this quite interesting.”<br/>	“You are telling me that this is your first game of chess? And you are near thrashing me at it?”<br/>	I laugh when he does. “I am not without some knowledge of it. Whilst in the Circle I made myself this silly little promise that I would read all of the books within the tower. There was an entire shelf dedicated to chess. I do not know why mages would need such things, but I read them nonetheless.”<br/>	There is something in Cullen’s eyes as he watches me, shining warmly within their golden centres. “So, you are telling me you remember what you read?”<br/>	I nod. “Most of it. Lydia always told me I have an incredible memory. I suppose now I understand what she meant. I had not even thought of it. Now I know why I was top of my classes.”<br/>	Cullen chuckles and makes his final move. “I do believe this game is yours.”<br/>	I glance down at the table, unsure what he means. But yes, there it is. I have him cornered. His last move was defensive, but he has no more moves left.<br/>	I find myself beaming brightly and Cullen chuckles.<br/>	“Well played.”<br/>	I bite my bottom lip. “Thank you, Commander.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Matchmakers and Lovers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yvette runs a bath for me as the sun begins to slowly creep down towards the horizon. The party will start at sunset and after another long day I am desperate to bathe and to work through my emotions from the day gone. Between paperwork, the daily meeting and my emotional chess game with Cullen that stirred up a huge cocktail of different feelings, I just need a moment to catch my breath and gather my thoughts.<br/>	I close my eyes, allowing the warmth of the bathwater to slowly ease the tensions in my body. Thoughts of my childhood threaten on the edge of my mind, but I fight them back, determined not to let the past dampen my night. Lanathari has worked so hard on this ball, and it all started with the hope to allow me some time to feel normal again. Not to mention I am to meet with Hawke tonight. That alone has my nerves on edge.<br/>	Yvette comes to the door, knocking softly.<br/>	“We need to hurry, my lady. The ball will start soon.”<br/>	As excited as I am for tonight, I am more than a little reluctant to leave the bath. I heave myself out and wrap myself in a sheet. In my chamber I find my gown already laid out for me on the bed and the fire crackling in the hearth.<br/>	The door opens and I hear two sets of eager steps on the staircase. Dorian and Lanathari appear, both dressed for the ball and both looking absolutely stunning.<br/>	Dorian is dressed magnificently in a long black coat with golden trimming, the inside a bright crimson. His vest is black with golden floral patterns, matched perfectly with black trousers and shoes. His mask is golden that covers one eye and then rests above the other along the brow line. He looks amazing. I have always known him to be an incredibly beautiful man, but tonight he looks unbelievable.<br/>	Lanathari’s outfit is the perfect blend of elegance and practicality. She wears black silk trousers beneath a crimson split skirt with the Inquisition eye on the front. The bodice is open to reveal a suggestive amount of stomach and breasts yet maintains a classiness that she always perfects. From her left shoulder hangs a small black cape with golden embroidery that further adds to the vision of her being the true mastermind behind this whole affair. Her left arm is her true feature, however, as the sleeve hangs loosely and is patterned with fantastic floral details of orange, yellow and red leaves. Her mask is gold and red and sits high on her face and compliments her ears. <br/>	It is evident by their matching colour scheme that these two have coordinated their outfits. Both of them look absolutely perfect. I am in awe at the sight of them.<br/>	Dorian blushes prettily. “Heavens, I do believe you are naked, my dear.”<br/>	I glance down at my body which is covered by the sheet but due to having just stepped out of a bath sopping wet, it has damped to the point that is has turned mostly see through and now clings to every part of me.<br/>	“Oh!” I exclaim, trying to turn away.<br/>	Dorian chuckles. “Hurry up and get dressed. We have a gift for you.”<br/>	I do as Dorian suggests and slip into my gown while they have their backs turned. I shiver at the coolness of the silk against my bare skin, marvelling at how soft it is. Even with it on I still feel naked. It is equal parts exhilarating and terrifying. <br/>	Dorian and Lanathari approach me then, Lanathari holding out a small wooden box to me. I take it, eyeing them both curiously as they beam at me, eyes sparkling.<br/>	“I feel like something is going to jump out and bite me when I open this judging by those smiles.”<br/>	“Oh, hush and open it,” Dorian snaps.<br/>	I laugh and do as I am told. Lifting the lid, the fading sunlight catches on something inside. It is a mask, small and delicate. But it is not just any mask, this one appears to be made of metal. <br/>	My mouth falls open at the sight of it, my mind in disbelief at the level of detail in such a small thing. “W-what is this?”<br/>	“A mask, dear. Clearly.”<br/>	Lanathari elbows Dorian at his remark. “I wanted something unique to match the dress, and your personality and role as Inquisitor. When I couldn’t think of anything, I enlisted Dorian’s help and we had this mad idea to have it crafted from metal.”<br/>	“We drew it up quite poorly one evening and took the plans to Harritt,” Dorian continues. “Obviously, he had no interest in making it. ‘I craft weapons and armour that save lives. I won’t waste my time on something so stupid’. Yes, those were his exact words.”<br/>	Lanathari smirks. “But Dagna overheard us and offered to help. She suggested serpentstone to match the gown. It is beautiful, is it not?”<br/>	She is absolutely correct. The mask is incredible. I cannot seem to look away from it as it gleams a brilliant emerald, the slightest hints of gold within its depths.<br/>	“Thank you, both of you,” I say in awe. “This is remarkable.”<br/>	They high five and smile back at me.<br/>	“It is amazing what two equally brilliant minds can think up,” Dorian coos. “Especially with the aid of a talented arcanist.”<br/>	 “Now hurry up and get ready!” Lanathari squeaks. “The sun has almost set!”<br/>	Yvette does my hair as she always does, however, tonight we decide to leave my hair down. I am slightly self-conscious about it as I very rarely wear it out. The waves can easily become uncontrollable and so I usually opt to have it up or plaited to keep it from getting too messy. <br/>	Yvette also insists on a little makeup, which I have never actually worn before.<br/>	“Just a little around the eyes and on her cheeks,” Dorian says, guiding Yvette as she begins. “Perhaps a little hue on her lips as well.”<br/>	Yvette rolls her eyes and smiles. “If you would prefer to do it, Dorian, then please go right ahead.”<br/>	He shakes his head. “This requires fine fingers, darling. Mine are far too clumsy for it.”<br/>	With the makeup done, I glance myself in the mirror as Lanathari fetches my mask from the box. I can hardly believe my eyes. The breathtaking woman in the reflection is not me. It cannot be. I do not look anything like she does. She has my hair, my eyes, and my lips, but nothing else looks like mine. Even down to my waist and the visible roundness of my breasts beneath the revealing low neckline of my gown. <br/>	“Maker’s breath,” I whisper.<br/>	Lanathari is behind me then, the coolness of the mask on my face, fine fingers tying the ribbon behind my neck.<br/>	“Andraste’s knickers,” Dorian swoons, eyes wide. “I think we may actually have gone too far.”<br/>	Lanathari nods, eyes equally as wide. “Sunshine may actually die of a heart attack.”<br/>	They both exchange and glance and burst into to laughter.<br/>	I freeze at the mention of Cullen. Somehow, I had forgotten that he would be there tonight. My heart begins to pound at the thought of it.</p><p>Initially the party was to be held in the tavern, but once Josephine got her fingers into the project, the location quickly was changed to the great hall. During the day I saw decorations being hung and tables being arranged. The hall was alive with all kinds of bustle. However, the sight of the completed project is more breathtaking than I had imagined.<br/>	Despite Skyhold still being mostly under reconstruction, the space has been transformed into a beautiful set. Purple appears to be the theme as there are matching tablecloths and drapes throughout the hall. Mixed with the golden light of the chandeliers, it creates a splendid aura of elegance. <br/>	My heart swells with excitement and nerves as Dorian and Lanathari link arms and enter the great hall before me. I can hear the murmur of voices in the hall as we enter, then the hush as we make our entrance, eyes turning in our direction.<br/>	Unlike Dorian and Lanathari who seem to marvel in the attention, grinning from ear to ear and waving proudly, I find myself shrinking behind them, suddenly regretting my dress and everything else. I am not a typically showy person, so everything about my outfit has me wanting to hide.<br/>	Josephine appears as though from nowhere, dressed in a purple gown to match the theme of the decorations. Her usually tied up hair falls about her face in dark ringlets, her silver mask contrasting beautifully against her dark skin.	“Astri,” she says with her mouth falling open. She quickly snaps it closed. “You look…incredible.” <br/>	“It’s not too much is it?” I ask, my cheeks reddening.<br/>	“No, no! Not at all. You look stunning. Every man in the room is going to fall in love with you.” Her smile is a little too delighted about that than I would like.<br/>	“Is that a good thing?”<br/>	She nods. “Politics are so much easier handled when beautiful, powerful women are at the heart. Please, I encourage you to make yourself known to all. We have some important diplomats from both Orlais and Ferelden with us tonight. Do make sure to smile.”<br/>	My stomach sinks to the floor. So much for a night of fun. Perhaps Lanathari was right when she begged not to let Josephine take control. But I knew how much it would mean to Josie to be involved. I sigh. It is difficult being kind-hearted.<br/>	Josephine signals for me to move forward. “Come. Let me announce you to the room.”<br/>	Fear fills me and I stiffen at her words. This will be my first real event as the Inquisitor. I have not prepared for this at all.<br/>	Josephine takes my arm in hers and walks me out from behind Dorian and Lanathari. All eyes turn to me and suddenly I am standing alone, Josie stepping aside with a bright smile.<br/>	“Lady Inquisitor Trevelyan,” she calls out gracefully to the hall. <br/>	There are murmurs as the room catches its first glimpse of my gown and myself within it. I do my best not to concentrate on their responses, instead I lower my eyes to the ground and offer a gracious curtsey.<br/>	Unsure if I am meant to say something, I glance at Josephine who has already begun to chat with a few nobles off to the side. I take that as a no and immediately retreat back within myself.<br/>	Dorian links his arm through mine, Lanathari eyeing the food table already.<br/>	“Let us go find our friends. Some familiar faces may help ease your nerves.”<br/>	I sigh in relief. “Yes, please.”<br/>	We find our friends all squeezed around Varric’s table at the far end of the hall. Clearly none of them had expected this kind of turnout and they all look like fish out of water.<br/>	I take a seat between Dorian and Bull, noticing for the first time the slight gleam in Dorian’s eyes when they meet Bull’s. Suddenly I wonder whether this could be the blossoming relationship I have heard so little about. I bite my lip to hide my smile. If so, I wholeheartedly approve.<br/>	“Fancy party, boss,” Bull says, swallowing his glass of wine in one gulp. “Have to say I wasn’t expecting this.” I can tell. He is wearing his usually casual pants with only a simple shirt pulled over top and a jacket that is so large I wonder where he could have found it.<br/>	“Yeah, this isn’t the fun get together I imagined either, Tiny,” Varric says through a chuckle. His eyes meet mine, his mind clearly on my secret meeting with Hawke planned for tonight. <br/>	Glancing around the room I can see Vivienne dressed in a navy strapless gown talking with some nobles, clearly in her element. Cassandra has even made an appearance and is talking to an older man not far from Vivienne. Leliana is nowhere to be seen, neither are Cole, Sera and Solas. <br/>	“At least having this many people around reduces the chance Varric will whip out the cards and take all our money,” Blackwall says with a smirk, sipping on his drink.<br/>	Varric chuckles. “That comes later. Just watch these nobles head to bed early like they always do. That’s when the real party begins.”<br/>	Everyone nods in agreement, relieved at the thought of this awkwardness not being the theme for the entire night.<br/>	My eyes scan the room, searching for the one person I have yet to see here tonight. I know Cullen is extremely busy and not in the best frame of mind, but Lanathari told me that he had agreed to be here. These sorts of things are not his forte, but neither are they mine. My disappointment mounts as the time ticks by and there is still no sign of him.<br/>	“If he doesn’t get here soon, I promise to drag him out of his office by the ear,” Dorian promises with a smile.<br/>	I groan. “None of us want to be here. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t show.”<br/>	Dorian raises an eyebrow. “Now, we both know that isn’t true. Besides, Lanathari and I put far too much effort into making you look this breathtaking to just let him hide away all night. No, he will be here to see you whether he arrives of his own free will or not.”<br/>	Since our chess game earlier in the day, Cullen has barely left my mind for more than a minute. His smile is etched into my brain, his laugh still dancing in my ears. I feel a desperation rising within me. This longing that has haunted me for months now has built to a point where I feel as though if he were to appear now, I would not be able to hold myself back from saying the things I have longed to say.<br/>	“Andraste’s mercy, what a sight you are.”<br/>	My head turns suddenly to meet Rylen’s gaze, eyes alight and a smile wide across his ruggedly handsome face. “Rylen, you came.”<br/>	He chuckles. “Of course. I received an invite from the Inquisitor herself. I’d be mad to miss it.” He glances around. “I hadn’t expected so many fancy coats here, though.” He is dressed in a simple suit, not having bothered with a mask. But despite the simplicity of his look, he still looks incredibly handsome. His muscular body is evident even in layers.<br/>	“You haven’t seen our Commander, have you, Rylen?” Dorian asks blatantly. <br/>	Rylen smirks and glances down at me. “Want me to go drag him out of his office for you, Lady Inquisitor?”<br/>	My face instantly reddens. “W-what are you-”<br/>	He laughs heartily. “I’m only joking. You needn’t panic. But seriously, what is that guy doing? Look what he’s missing.” He gestures at me with both hands. “The man’s a bloody fool.”<br/>	The music begins then, and several people take to the dancefloor. Rylen eyes me curiously.<br/>	“Well if Cullen isn’t here to take advantage of you, then I sure will.” He offers me his hand. “Care to dance?”<br/>	I consider rejecting him, but the look in his eyes is so heart-warming that I find myself being led to the dancefloor willingly. Despite the flirtatious remarks, Rylen is not here to make any moves on me. This is a friend showing me that they care and that whatever happened in the past is no hinderance now. The fact that he has chosen to remain my friend shows just the loyal person he is, both in friendship and in his duties.<br/>	As we twirl about the dancefloor with the other couples, a sudden thought occurs to me that has my eyes searching the crowd for a little elvhen woman. <br/>	Lanathari has made herself known to most of the people in the room and now stands with Josephine and a group of nobles, smiling brightly and clearly taking much of the attention for herself. It is just her personality, yet I still cannot understand how she is so naturally sociable as she is. I am so awkward and timid, yet there she is, arms flying about in the depths of one of her epic stories. She looks so at home; it makes me a little jealous.<br/>	“That secretary of yours, she’s a real firecracker.” Rylen’s words take me by surprise, and I glance up at him.<br/>	“You know Lana?”<br/>	He chuckles and shakes his head. “No. But I’ve seen her training in the yard a few times. She nearly took the head off a dummy with a wooden sword! I couldn’t believe it. For such a small lass, she’s damn powerful. Bet she’d be one hell of a sparring partner.”<br/>	I find myself smiling cheekily. “I could arrange it, if you would like.”<br/>	Rylen laughs so loud that a few people glance in our direction. “Are you trying to hook me up with your secretary, Inquisitor?”<br/>	I shrug. “It was just a thought. If I am going to set my friends up with anyone, why not set them up with each other? At least then I know you both would be in good hands.”<br/>	There is a warmth in his eyes then and he considers my suggestion for a moment. “You know what, I think I might just take you up on that offer.”<br/>	The song ends and I take Rylen’s arm and begin to pull him in the direction of Lanathari who has now worked her way back to the food table once again.<br/>	“Lana!” I call to her, startling her as she is pushing a small cake into her mouth.<br/>	She turns to me, chewing quickly. “Astri, what’s wrong?”<br/>	I smile at her. “Nothing. I just thought I would introduce you to a friend of mine, Knight-Captain Rylen.” I turn to Rylen who is eyeing the elvhen girl with a sparkle in his eye. “Rylen, Lanathari.”<br/>	Rylen’s smile reminds me of the many he has made in my direction, a mix of warmth and flirtation. He bows showily. “My lady.”<br/>	Lanathari eyes him with a raised eyebrow, her cake now completely disposed of. “You’re Sunshine’s second in command, aren’t you? I’ve heard a lot about you. Astri here swoons over your kindness. ‘He’s so nice, Lanathari, you’d really like him’.” She smiles brightly. “She failed to mention the muscles, though.”<br/>	Rylen eyes me curiously. “Is that so?”<br/>	I smile in return. “It’s the truth. Besides, how could I not be thankful for you? You are like my own personal trunk finder. If I ever lose something, I know exactly who to call upon.”<br/>	This has him laughing. “Fair play, my lady.”<br/>	Lanathari glances the length of Rylen, the slightest of smirks on her face. I am hoping that means she approves.<br/>	Rylen collects himself as another song begins to play. Turning to Lanathari, he offers her his hand. “Since we’re apparently already destined to be great friends, would you consider dancing with me, Lady Lanathari?”<br/>	Lanathari’s expression shifts from curious to flirtatious. “Ah, well only because you were so very polite about it, Ser Rylen,” she replies, taking his arm, eyes set alight. Her tone suggests that perhaps my hunch was correct. There is something there, even I can feel it.<br/>	I watch them move to the dancefloor with a triumphant grin. Satisfied with my matchmaking skills, I decide to head back to the table to report this to Dorian, who I am certain will have seen it all and will have much to say about it.<br/>	As I approach the table, lost in my own thoughts and excitement, I call out to Dorian who is standing with his back to me talking with a man in a black and blue suit. <br/>	“Dorian! Turns out I am quite the matchmaker-” My voice trails off when Dorian turns to face me and so does the man he is speaking with. I freeze. “C-Commander.”<br/>	Cullen’s eyes grow wide the moment he sees me, immediately drawn downwards by my gown and visible flesh. His face turns a brilliant shade of red and he has to clear his throat to speak.<br/>	“I-Inquisitor, I-uh, whoa.” He blinks and turns away abruptly.<br/>	Dorian winks at me and smiles wildly. “Perfection,” he mouths to me, clearly pleased with Cullen’s strangled response.<br/>	I move to Dorian’s side biting down on my lip to hide my excitement at knowing it was I that caused Cullen to flush like that. <br/>	“I saw your little dance with Rylen,” Dorian says, continuing what I had come to speak with him about. “He had many eyes burning into his back, that is for certain. But the temperature of the room does appear to have heated up considerably since then with his new dance partner.”<br/>	I glance through the crowd to see Rylen and Lanathari laughing as they continue their dance. The sight of them brings a smile to my face.<br/>	“They are adorable together, aren’t they?” I say wistfully.<br/>	“Isn’t that your secretary?” Cullen asks, his eyes also fixed on the couple.<br/>	I nod. “Indeed. Do you not approve, Commander? I think they go well together.”<br/>	Cullen clears his throat and his gaze lowers to the floor. “Rylen has never had any issues when it comes to women. I am certain Lanathari, if anyone, would be able to reel him in a little.”<br/>	Dorian laughs. “I think it will be quite the opposite, dear Commander. Rylen has his work cut out for him. Lana is a free spirit. She will not be caught so easily.”<br/>	While Dorian re-joins the others at Varric’s table, I find myself dragged into several conversations with visiting nobles as I take Josephine’s advice and begin to mingle. I find myself glancing in Cullen’s direction subtly from time to time and find his eyes on me every single time. Despite all of my past doubts, I am certain that what Dorian and Varric have said has been correct. He has feelings for me too. I can see it in his eyes.<br/>	As the night continues, I begin to question when this meeting with Hawke is going to take place, if at all. I try to keep within eyesight of Varric, yet an hour passes, then two, then three, and still there is no signal.<br/>	After finally managing to slip away from one Orlesian nobleman’s blabbering about his five ex-wives, I slip through the inner courtyard door to catch my breath and gather my thoughts. It has been an overwhelming evening in every aspect. Cullen, this meeting with Hawke, my manners, talking, remembering to smile, keeping my breasts from slipping from my gown. My mind has had no chance to relax.<br/>	I let out a long sigh, willing all this pent-up anxiety to wash from my body. It is then that a figure in the corner of my eye catches my attention. When I investigate, I find a woman in a red gown wandering through the herb garden. I cannot see her face, but I note her long black hair and curvy figure. <br/>	“You’ve got impeccable timing.” Varric’s voice startles me. He chuckles when I jump. “It’s just me, Goldie.” He points to the woman in red. “I see you found Hawke.”<br/>	My eyes move back to the woman in red and my breath catches. She is looking at me now, stunning blue eyes shining in the moonlight.<br/>	She smiles. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Inquisitor.”<br/>	Perhaps it is how she glows in the moonlight, or my own irrational anxiety, but I struggle to reply to her. Instead my throat clenches and I just watch her with eyes open wide.<br/>	Varric chuckles, pushing past me to greet his friend. “Goldie’s a little star struck. Give her a minute.”<br/>	Hawke laughs prettily. “I have no idea why. Is it the dress? Is it too much?” She twists a little, the flowing material of her gown clinging to her every curve. “I know I am supposed to be subtle, but I’ve been stuck in the same old armour for months.”<br/>	Varric shakes his head. “You look radiant as always. Blondie will be sad he missed it.”<br/>	Hawke gives a twirl. “It feels nice to be all dressed up again. I do wish the circumstances were different.”<br/>	They share a knowing glance, their eyes speaking without the need for words.<br/>	“Come on out of the shadows, Goldie,” Varric says with a grin, his attention returning to me. He holds up a bottle of wine and some glasses. “Let’s go have our little chat.”<br/>	I do my best to push aside whatever doubts I have about myself and follow them both to the pavilion where Cullen and I had our chess match earlier in the day. There we push together a few chairs and get comfortable, Hawke and I admiring the moon as Varric pours our glasses.<br/>	I take in a deep breath of cool, fresh night air. There is something almost surreal about tonight. Nothing feels real. From the ball, to my dress, to Hawke sitting right beside me, it all just feels like a dream. Even the moon, full and bright, looks like something out of a storybook.<br/>	“So, a magister darkspawn,” Hawke says, taking her glass from Varric as he hands them out. “The very one Varric and I killed. Varric is right, weird shit does happen to you a lot.”<br/>	I laugh softly, taking my own glass. “I guess you could say that. Life certainly has not been normal of late.”<br/>	“Tell me about it. Comes with the hero territory, unfortunately.” She takes a sip. “So, what can I help you with? You’ve already dropped a mountain on the bastard, I am sure whatever I can tell you pales in comparison.”<br/>	“Oh, I don’t know,” I say with a smile. “You did save an entire city from a horde of rampaging qunari.”<br/>	She chuckles. “I’m not sure how that applies here, unless you have a horde of rampaging qunari that I don’t know about.”<br/>	I laugh. “There is one qunari and he just about counts as an entire horde on his own. Thankfully, he’s on our side.”<br/>	She turns to me then, a smile still on her lips. “So then, what can I tell you?”<br/>	“Varric said you fought Corypheus before.”<br/>	She nods. “Fought and killed. The Grey Wardens were holding him, and he somehow used his connection to the darkspawn to influence them.”<br/>	Varric sits back in his chair, a serious expression on his face. “Corypheus got inside their heads and messed with their minds. Turned them against each other.”<br/>	Hawke’s expression has also darkened as she recalls these memories. “If the Wardens have disappeared, they could have fallen under his control again.”<br/>	I frown deeply, the heaviness of the topic taking a hold of me. “I don’t like the sound of that. But it does make sense. If that is what is happening, is there a way to free them?”<br/>	Hawke does not seem entirely confident, but she nods. “It’s possible, but we need to know more first. I have some friends in the Wardens who may be able to help us. They have been investigating potential corruption within the Warden ranks. But it has been a while since I heard from them.”<br/>	Varric leans closer to Hawke and offers her a sympathetic look. “Where were they before they went quiet?”<br/>	“They told me they were headed to Crestwood. Something about an abandoned mine there that might work as a hideout.” She sighs. “I had been investigating the strange lyrium the templars in Kirkwall had been using and had hoped they might be able to aid me, but with all that is going on, hiding seemed the better option. Some of them are…not able to wander around as freely as the others.”<br/>	There is a clear meaning to her words, but the meaning is beyond me. Varric understands, however, because his expression hardens.<br/>	“Strange lyrium? Do you mean red lyrium?”<br/>	Hawke nods. “Varric told me of the Red Templars. Perhaps my friends will have more information about it.”<br/>	“Then we should seek them out,” I suggest. “After Haven, I need some answers.”<br/>	Both of them offer small smiles.<br/>	“I will take you there myself,” Hawke says, taking another sip of wine. “As fun as dressing up is, I prefer being out there.” She signals over the walls with a nod of her head.<br/>	I let out a long sigh and sink into my chair. “I know what you mean. It is beginning to feel as though I traded one tower for another. It will be nice to get out there and stretch me legs again.”<br/>	The door from the great hall creaks open and the three of us immediately tense. I glance at Hawke who sinks into her chair. It is unlikely that anyone would recognize her, but I can understand why she is concerned about it. After Kirkwall and just her reputation as the Champion would be enough to make anyone want to fade into the background.<br/>	“Inquisitor?”<br/>	The familiar voice takes me off guard and I glance to Varric who is already smirking at me.<br/>	“Looks like someone was missing you at the party,” he says through a chuckle.<br/>	My heart races and I sit upwards, glancing over myself to make sure I look presentable.<br/>	“Inquisitor?” Cullen’s voice grows closer, set deeper with concern. “A-Astri?”<br/>	The use of my name sends shivers down my spine.<br/>	“Over here, Curly!” Varric calls out, sending another smirk in my direction.<br/>	Cullen appears before us then, his eyes finding mine first, then widening when he notices the woman beside me. “Hawke?”<br/>	She smiles brightly. “Cullen. It’s good to see you again.”<br/>	There is a flash of pain in his eyes that he does his best to hide. “Yes, well, at least it is under better circumstances.” His eyes move back to me, their golden warmth drawing me in. “I am sorry. I have interrupted. You disappeared some time ago and no one knew where you were. I thought-” He groans and scratches the back of his neck. “Forgive me. You are well, I will leave you be.”<br/>	As he backs away, I feel a pang of disappointment, and in my desperation to have him near me, I rise quickly to my feet.<br/>	“Cullen, wait.” I bite my lip and turn to Varric and Hawke. “I will make sure to discuss our plans at the meeting tomorrow. Hawke, I will have someone send for you so that you can be there.”<br/>	She smiles knowingly and nods. “Of course, Inquisitor. You enjoy yourself.”<br/>	My cheeks redden as I step down from the pavilion, Cullen’s eyes on me as I approach him. I force the most confident smile I can. “I would not mind stretching my legs a little. Would you care to join me for a walk along the battlements?”<br/>	He flushes a little, but there is a warm confidence in his smile that outshines it. “Of course.” He gestures for me to take the lead and I move towards the staircase that leads up to the battlements.<br/>	The icy mountain wind hits me and knocks the breath out of me. I gasp and hold my arms around myself against the chill.<br/>	Cullen notices my response and pauses by the stairs. “It is particularly cold this evening. Perhaps we should head back inside.”<br/>	I smile and shake my head. “No, no. I will brave the cold if it means getting out of that.” I signal to the great hall. “Besides, I have been meaning to speak with you.” My heart begins to race, knowing full well that I am prepared to confess my feelings for him, but struggling to muster up the courage even now.<br/>	Cullen clears his throat. “You have? What about?”<br/>	I take a deep breath and straighten my back, hoping that if I pretend to be confident, then perhaps I will actually be. “Cullen, I-” My voice cracks with emotion, cutting off my words. “Maker’s tears, why am I like this?”<br/>	He eyes me then, concern on his face. “What’s wrong?” The tenderness of his tone wraps around me, filling me with warmth.<br/>	I meet his eyes. “Do you trust me?”<br/>	“Of course, I do. Why would you need to ask me such a thing?”<br/>	I sigh, eyes falling to the ground between us. “I mean as a mage. You were a templar.”<br/>	He sighs, stepping closer to me. “Astri, you know that I do. You being a mage, it does not change who you are. You are who you are because of it. And I-” He stops short of what he meant to say.<br/>	Seeing the look in his eyes, the desperation, I step closer to him again, close enough that if I reached out my hand, I could touch his face. “I care for you, Cullen. I am not sure if you know that, but I want to say it. I care for you a great deal, and I have done for quite some time now. I just want to know if you could ever feel the same about me. If you could think of me as something other than the Inquisitor, other than a mage.”<br/>	There is a flash of heat in his eyes that is quickly leashed as nerves take over. Cullen exhales slowly, scratching his neck. “Maker’s breath, I was not expecting this. I do think of you,” he says hurriedly. “Often. And what I might say in this sort of situation.”<br/>	“What is stopping you?”<br/>	His eyes meet mine fully, that heat from moments ago beginning to rise once again. “You’re the Inquisitor. I didn’t think it was possible.” He is edging closer to me and the closeness makes my heart pound.<br/>	I might have spoken, tried to reassure him, but at the sight of his lips, parted slightly with anticipation, I cannot resist the urge to kiss him. <br/>	Our lips meet and immediately it feels as though someone has set my entire body on fire. I flush brilliantly, my body pressing against his of its own will.<br/>	Cullen moans softly, his arms wrapping around me and tracing the length of my bare back. I shudder under his touch and he pulls me closer still. We are so close that I cannot tell where I end, and he begins.<br/>	My hands run along his arms to his neck, fingers tangling in his blonde hair. He lets out another moan and I find myself smiling into his lips.<br/>	Cullen pulls away then, breaking our kiss but still holding me tight to him. His eyes search mine, a smile creeping across his mouth. “I was not expecting that.”<br/>	I laugh. “I was kind of hoping for it.”<br/>	He raises an eyebrow. “You were?” His finger trails the side of my face to my lips. “I did not dare let myself hope for it. I was so sure you did not care for me like that.”<br/>	I smile wryly. “I am sorry. I am not very good with this sort of thing. It has been a while…” My voice trails off, realizing what I am saying and feeling sick at the thought of Gabriel.<br/>	Cullen frowns slightly, the faintest hint of jealousy in his eyes. “I am just glad that I was wrong. Maker knows I have wanted to kiss you.”<br/>	My smile widens and I take his face in my hands. “Well, you have permission to kiss me whenever you wish. I rather enjoyed it myself.”<br/>	His eyes light up then and his lips meet mine again, this time hungrier than before. The force behind his kisses has my body screaming. I am reminded of the kiss I shared with Rylen back in Haven and the way my entire being had been so desperate to be touched. But with memories of my nights with Gabriel coming to mind, I force myself to calm down. I will not make those mistakes again. With Cullen things are different. I will make them be. <br/>	This time it is I that pulls away. There is a flash of disappointment in his eyes, but his smile is full of joy. <br/>	“You are so beautiful. When I saw you earlier…that dress.” His cheeks turn bright red and he chuckles nervously. “You are incredible.”<br/>	I laugh. “That was kind of the plan. The dress was Lana’s doing. Dorian was heavily involved too.”<br/>	He chuckles. “I am not surprised. After today’s sudden invite to play chess and the sly questions about you, I was beginning to grow a little suspicious of his intentions.”<br/>	I sigh. “I knew it. As soon as I saw him there with you, I knew he was up to something.”<br/>	Cullen’s eyes burn into mine. “Well, if his efforts helped make this happen, then I am thankful for his interference.”<br/>	I smile warmly. “So am I. But I may still have a word with him about the meaning of privacy. Someone has to.”<br/>	He laughs softly, his hands taking mine. “I, uh, perhaps we should head back inside. Before people come looking for us.”<br/>	“I am sure Varric is making sure they don’t, but you are right. As much as I dislike it, my presence is expected.”<br/>	Walking back to the great hall, Cullen keeps a hold of my hand. Varric and Hawke have disappeared from the pavilion, so we walk slowly together through the empty courtyard, knowing full well that we will have to let each other go once we are inside.<br/>	Cullen kisses me again softly when we reach the door, his hand on my cheek. “I am afraid I will wake up in the morning and all of this will have been a dream.”<br/>	I smile up at him, my eyes shining with emotion. “You needn’t worry about that. When you wake up in the morning, remember this.” I take his face in my hands and kiss him deeply, marvelling in the soft moan he makes in response. I pull away. “I hope that will be convincing enough.”<br/>	He gasps for air and chuckles. “I think it should be.”<br/>	And then we separate. I enter first, drawing the attention of the room in my direction, then he sneaks back inside shortly after. Immediately I can see Dorian descending on him, making him blush horribly. I sigh. I will have to talk to Dorian about his teasing. </p><p>The great hall is lit by only a few candles and the hearth by Varric’s table where we all sit together drinking and laughing over a game of Wicked Grace. I glance around the table, well aware of Lanathari’s disappearance. I have not seen her in over an hour when she and Rylen snuck out the door. <br/>	A smile creeps over my face as I think about the potential there. They both deserve their happiness. It would make me so happy to think that they could find it in each other.<br/>	“I don’t know why I keep letting myself be sucked into this nonsense,” Blackwall grumbles as he loses yet another round. “I think I might have to call it a night before I lose the shirt off my back as well.”<br/>	Varric laughs as he collects his winnings and the cards for another game. “I warned you, Hero. More than once.”<br/>	Blackwall rises to his feet. “And I chose not to listen. Still, I think it’s the end of the night for me. Night all.” He disappears out the door, leaving only Varric, Bull and I in the next round. Dorian is seated between Bull and I half falling asleep.<br/>	“Maybe we should all call it quits,” Varric suggests, smirking as Dorian’s head nearly thumps down onto the table.<br/>	I nod and laugh. “Perhaps we should.”<br/>	Bull sighs and nods. “Righto.” He glances at Dorian, the faintest sparkle in his eye. “Time to get you to bed, Vint.” He rises to his feet and scoops Dorian into his arms, the pair of them disappearing upstairs where Dorian’s quarters are located.<br/>	Varric and I exchange a knowing look, and both laugh.<br/>	“They think they’re being subtle.”<br/>	“It is adorable,” I say through my laughter.<br/>	Varric rises to his feet, sliding his coin purse and cards into his jacket. “Goodnight, Goldie. I better go check on Hawke anyway. Make sure she isn’t clawing at the walls.”<br/>	I laugh. “Goodnight Varric.”<br/>	As Varric exits through one door, Lanathari appears through another, the brightest of smiles on her face. She catches me looking at her and holds her hands up in defence.<br/>	“It was a harmless walk around the grounds,” she says.<br/>	I smile. “I’m glad you two are getting along so well.”<br/>	There is a warmth in her eyes that has me hopeful for them. “So am I.”<br/>	Lanathari and I curl up on the sofas in my chamber and talk about the night we had. I tell her all about Cullen and what happened between us, which has her bouncing up and down with joy. Then she tells me about her and Rylen talking as they walked together, of their dances and their mutual love of food and hitting things. And then we both doze into peaceful sleep, wrapped in blankets on opposite sofas, the fire in the hearth slowing dimming as the sun begins to rise.</p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Bittersweet Confessions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It is decided that we should head to Crestwood as soon as possible and so within three days of the ball I am in my chamber preparing to leave the following morning. I woke early to get a head start on my duties and Lanathari and Yvette do all they can to help me. <br/>	Shuffling through my letters the most recent messenger brought to me, I find yet another letter addressed to me but when I open it the name reads ‘Lady Lanathari’ and I know it is from Rylen.<br/>	I groan and hold the letter up. “You two really need to figure out a better system. This sending letters to each other through me is getting a little annoying.”<br/>	Lanathari smiles and shrugs, snatching the letter from my hand. “Mail travels faster with your name on it.” She beams brightly as she snuggles into the sofa reading whatever sweetness Rylen wrote to her. I accidentally read the first one he sent and blushed so hard when I realized what it said and who it was meant for. Now I always make sure to check the name at the top and pass them along immediately when it is not mine.<br/>	I want to roll my eyes at Lanathari’s response to her letter, but when a report addressed from Cullen catches my eye, I am certain my own smile must be just as ridiculous.<br/>	Since the night of the ball we have not had a chance to spend time together outside of important meetings as I have been swamped with preparations for my expedition to Crestwood. The thought of having to leave tomorrow and be so far from him for weeks makes my stomach turn and my chest ache. We finally have confessed our feelings and now we are to be pulled apart by duty.<br/>	The report is nothing personal, simply an update on supply lines and troop movements. My smile fades slightly. I know that these reports are given out to all of the leadership, but it is still a little disheartening to hear nothing from the person I care about. Aside from a few awkward smiles when no one is looking, there has been nothing more between us. I am beginning to question if it ever happened at all.<br/>	Lanathari eyes me over her letter. “Pining over Sunshine again, are we? You should go talk to him. You know, ‘talk’ to him.”<br/>	I sigh and dive onto my bed, closing my eyes and remembering his arms around me. “I can’t. It is the middle of the day. Someone is bound to see us.”<br/>	“So what? Let them see.”<br/>	I shake my head. “It isn’t possible. Not yet. Not now.”<br/>	“Why?”<br/>	“Because I am the Inquisitor, and he is the Commander. Josephine would have a fit.” I roll onto my stomach and look over at her, propping my head in my hands. “You and Rylen are lucky.”<br/>	“You two are no different. Screw what people would say. Be happy, Astri.”<br/>	I smile softly. “I am happy. And maybe I don’t want everyone knowing about us. Everything else about my life is open to the world. Maybe I want to keep this just for myself. Even if just for a short while.”<br/>	She eyes me knowingly. “Do you really believe that?”<br/>	I sigh and nod. “For the moment I must. Besides, I am going away. There is no point making it harder than it already is. It is ironic, really. I have spent weeks desperately wanting to get back out into the world, and now that it is happening, I want nothing more than to stay at Skyhold.”<br/>	Both Lanathari and Yvette offer sympathetic looks.<br/>	I climb from my bed, pushing aside my heartache. “We need to focus. We still have so much work to do.”<br/>	Lanathari comes to the desk and begins sorting through the documents and letters. “Leave the less important ones to me. I will need something to keep me busy while you are gone.”<br/>	I offer her a thankful smile. “Are you sure?”<br/>	She nods. “Of course. Leave them to me.”</p><p>The day passes by far quicker than I would have liked. The workload is endless and even with Yvette tackling most of my packing, we are working hard well into the afternoon. Eventually, however, we are free from our duties and I am torn between a nap and visiting the herb garden. I decide to head to the herb garden. We cannot know what we will face on our journey and as an alchemist I can never have too many herbs with me.<br/>	My fellow alchemists are in the garden and are delighted to see me. One eager young mage takes me on a small tour of the newest garden patch and beams when I compliment the selection of plants.<br/>	With a few pouches of my favourite herbs in hand, I decide to visit my companions on my usual round to check in on them. Everyone is in high spirits and the companions selected for the trip to Crestwood are more than thrilled to be finally getting out of Skyhold for a bit. I only wish I shared their enthusiasm.<br/>	Dinnertime arrives and I eat with everyone in the great hall. I find myself glancing around the tables, searching for any sign of Cullen either at dinner or passing through. But I do not find him.<br/>	With my anxiety about what happened between us peaking, I decide I need to confront him about it. I do not think I could stand leaving in the morning and having these questions swirling around in my head for the weeks to come.<br/>	So, I find myself scribbling a note after dinner when I have retreated back into my private quarters. I ask him to meet me on the battlements where we had shared those kisses and send the note to his office with Yvette as my messenger.<br/>	I fix myself in the mirror quickly, wrap myself in my heaviest coat and hurry out of the chamber in the hopes of reaching the battlements before he does.<br/>	Standing there overlooking the frozen valley far below, hidden mostly by the darkness, I find myself questioning what I am doing here and whether or not he will even come to me. A frightened part of me hopes he does not so that I might pretend nothing ever happened and continue my life without all of this stress. But the rest of me begs him to be here.<br/>	Closing my eyes, I recall the things we said in this spot and what it felt like to have him kiss me and hold me as he had. I had wanted those things so badly for so long. Yet they feel as though I might have made them up in my own head. I just need something from him. A confirmation. Anything. I just want to know if that was real.<br/>	I hear footsteps behind me, and I find myself holding my breath, preparing myself for what he might say. I am about to turn to face him when a set of arms wind themselves around me, drawing my back against a broad chest.<br/>	Immediately I recognize that scent; elderflower and oakmoss. My body instantly softens, and I melt into the embrace, eyes closing, a sweet sigh escaping my lips. I have never felt anything like this. His arms are unlike anything I could have imagined. Comforting, loving and what I imagine a real home feels like.<br/>	“I have missed you.” His mouth is right next to my ear, his breath on my neck sending a shudder through my entire body.<br/>	As badly as I want to stay this way forever, my body craves so much more. I turn on the spot and take Cullen’s face in my hands. His golden eyes are wide with surprise, but the heat within them reflects my own. <br/>	Our lips meet with an earnestness that sends another thrilled shiver down my spine and I press into him. His moans fill me with so much delight that I am tempted to press him further, addicted to the sound of them. But there is still a voice of reason within me that begs me to hold back. Whatever this is, it is still so new. The last time that I dived headlong into this sort of thing I ended up regretting it. Cullen means the world to me, far more than Gabriel could ever have, and I refuse the allow any chance for this to turn bad.<br/>	There is the creak of a door then and we both pull apart immediately to find one of the guards on patrol standing frozen in the doorway of the nearby tower, eyes and mouth open wide.<br/>	“F-Forgive me, Commander, uh, Inquisitor,” he stutters, unsure whether to continue on past us or run back inside the tower.<br/>	Cullen sighs and rubs his forehead, the slightest hint of a smile on his lips. “Don’t mind us, Eckles. You may continue your patrol.”<br/>	The guard nods frantically and hurries past us, clearly mortified by what he just witnessed. I cannot blame him. Cullen can be quite domineering when in the wrong mood.<br/>	I struggle to hold back my laugh. “The poor man looked as though we might bite his head off.”<br/>	Cullen sighs a small laugh. “So much for subtlety. I fear that the whole of Skyhold will know about us now.”<br/>	Us. Whoa. Maker does that sound wonderful coming from his lips. So, there is an us. That makes me incredibly happy to hear.<br/>	His gaze meets mine then, his smile turning warm to match the molten gold of his eyes. “I was beginning to think you changed your mind about me.”<br/>	I cross the space between us and place a hand on his cheek. He leans into it, eyes fluttering closed for a moment. “Not likely. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”<br/>	My confession appears to surprise him, but his smile widens, and he takes me in his arms once again. “Nor I you. Maker, I can hardly believe this is real. Even now, with you in my arms.”<br/>	I sigh, my mind remembering the reality of what sunrise will bring. “Will you write to me?”<br/>	Sadness flashes across his face, but his soft smile remains. “Just try and stop me.” His hand strokes my cheek. “I wish I could go with you. The thought of sending you out there to face so many unknown dangers sickens me. I know I am needed here, but I want to be by your side.”<br/>	I take his hand in mine and kiss it softly. “I promise to be careful. But you needn’t worry. I have my friends watching my back. Dorian, Bull, Varric and now Hawke. I will be safe.”<br/>	Cullen sighs, eyes lowering from mine. “I know. It’s just…after Haven.” His voice breaks and I can see the pain as it twists his face.<br/>	I can feel my tears welling in my eyes, memories of that night coming back to me. “Cullen…”<br/>	“You nearly died, Astri.” His tone has darkened, and he speaks through clenched teeth. “You gave yourself up to save the rest of us. And I was helpless to stop you. There was nothing I could do. I just stood there on that mountain and watched that trebuchet fire. I watched that avalanche overrun the town. I thought I watched you die.” His eyes close, squeezing tightly to rid himself of those memories.<br/>	My heart clenches and falls. “I-I am sorry, Cullen. I did not know that is what you went through.”<br/>	He laughs coldly. “How could you? I could have told you how I felt in the chantry, but instead I held my tongue and I let you go. I let you face Corypheus alone.”<br/>	I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him into me. Tears flow from my eyes, wetting his cheek as I nuzzle into him. “I won’t do that again, I swear it. Turning away from you was too painful the first time.”<br/>	He pulls away slightly, eyes on mine. “It was?”<br/>	I nod, wiping away my tears. “I suppose we regret the same things. There was so much I wanted to say to you in the chantry as well, but I held them in. I was so sure I was going to die. I did not want to burden you with my feelings. I was sure you did not feel the same way.”<br/>	He sighs, a small smile tugging on his lips. “I cannot believe you felt that way about me even then.”<br/>	I laugh. “Cullen, I will admit that I had a crush on you from the moment I met you. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.”<br/>	He pulls me close to him once again, a warm kiss on my forehead. “You do not know how happy that makes me.” And then his lips meet mine.<br/>	We stay there for a while, kissing, embracing, and talking about small things of little importance. Spending even this short time together we realize just how ridiculous we had been leading up to now. It turns out he had feelings for me almost immediately as well.<br/>	“Is that so?” I ask, my tone teasing, my eyes playful. “Well then, how long had you wanted to kiss me?”<br/>	He chuckles. “Longer than I should admit. You made even being near you very infuriating.”<br/>	I raise an eyebrow. “How so?”<br/>	He blushes slightly and clears his throat. “You always look so beautiful. Even when you are mad. You can be intimidating when you want to be, and yet somehow it only adds to your beauty. So, to answer your question again; I wanted to kiss you more times than I could count. And almost from the moment we met.”<br/>	My smile is warm as I raise myself onto my toes to kiss him tenderly. “I am glad that my title didn’t scare you off.”<br/>	He hesitates a moment. “I, uh, had not even thought about that. I have no title outside of the Inquisition. I hope that doesn’t…I mean, does that bother you?”<br/>	His sudden question confuses me. I only mentioned my title to tease him, to be playful. <br/>	“Of course not,” I reply with a frown. “If you care for me, then that is all that matters. I meant only to tease you.”<br/>	Relief washes over him, and his body relaxes around me. “I’m not very good at this, am I?” He scratches the back of his neck as he does when he is nervous or shy. “If I seem unsure, it’s because it’s been a long time since I have wanted anyone in my life.” That nervous hand slowly cups my cheek. “I wasn’t expecting to find that here. Or you.”<br/>	I lean into his touch and smile. “I know what you mean.” A long sigh escapes my lips, reality dawning on me once again. I glance up at my chamber that is visible from here. I can see the light coming from the windows. “I should head to bed. We leave before dawn.”<br/>	Cullen sighs too, sadness in his eyes. “Of course.”<br/>	I stand on my toes again and kiss him thoroughly before we pull apart. I make for the stairs reluctantly and cast a smile at him as I go.<br/>	When I return to my chamber, I tuck myself into bed and wrap myself in the warmth of my covers, my thoughts filled with Cullen.</p><p>Yvette wakes me well before sunrise and draws me a hot bath. I melt into it, dreading the thought of being without one for what is likely to be weeks. I have grown so used to the luxuries of Skyhold, that the thought of camping in the wilderness has my skin crawling.<br/>	Lanathari meets me as I prepare my final things and I run through her tasks one final time before we embrace, and I begin to make my way to the gatehouse where I will meet my travel party.<br/>	Hawke and Varric are already there with their horses, loading their final belongings and supplies into the saddle bags. They both smile wearily when I approach them.<br/>	A servant brings my horse to me that has already been groomed and saddled. I place my saddlebag over the horse and tie it in place as best I can in the darkness of the morning.<br/>	My eyes glance upward briefly to Cullen’s tower where I can see the faint glow of candlelight. I wonder if he managed to get any sleep.<br/>	“Hoping to see anyone in particular?”<br/>	Dorian’s voice startles me, and I spin to find he and Bull collecting their own horses. Bull looks as perky as he always does, but Dorian looks borderline horrendous with enormous dark bags under both eyes.<br/>	“You look horrible,” I say to him with a smirk.<br/>	He groans. “I am beginning to question why I ever agreed to come in the first place. As boring as being stuck in Skyhold all day is, at least there are warm beds. I really, really miss mine already.”<br/>	I laugh. “Believe me, I know what you mean.”<br/>	Dorian eyes me curiously. “And certain hunky Commanders too, I am certain.”<br/>	I roll my eyes and turn back to my horse. I am about to mount when I feel arms grab me from behind.<br/>	“Make sure you keep your promise.”<br/>	A shiver flows through me and I cannot help but smile. I turn to find Cullen smiling down at me. But despite the turned-up corners of his lips, there is worry in his eyes laced with sadness. <br/>	I offer him a confident smile, hoping that it comforts him in the weeks to come. “I promise to return to you safely.”<br/>	“We’ve got her back, Cullen.”	<br/>	Cullen and Bull exchange a glance that has me wondering at how well they know each other. I did not even know they knew one another, let alone well enough for that look of mutual understanding.<br/>	Dorian shifts awkwardly in his saddle. “Yes, yes. As sickeningly adorable as all this is, can we please get a move on? The sooner we reach the mountain checkpoint the better. I would rather not be stuck on this hideous beast all day.”<br/>	I laugh softly. “Alright, alright. Don’t get your panties in a twist, Vint.”<br/>	Dorian frowns at me, but his eyes sparkle with amusement.<br/>	Cullen pulls me close to him then, arms enveloping me completely. My heart aches having to leave him behind like this. I wish he could come with me, or that I could remain here with him. I want nothing more than to stay in these arms forever.<br/>	I pull away from him, tears in my eyes. “Goodbye, Cullen.” I kiss him softly and then we part. He aids me into the saddle and then watches me as we pass beneath the portcullis and disappear into the distance. <br/>	Once he is out of sight, I feel my tears begin to flow and I do not bother to fight them. This hurts almost as badly as it had in Haven. I may not be running to my death but watching him fade into the distance like that brings back such raw and painful memories.<br/>	I pray that our business in Crestwood is resolved quickly so I can be in his arms once again.</p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Rain, Misery and Grey Wardens</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Crestwood is easily one of the most dismal places I have ever been. The endless rain, miserable cold and the walking corpses make for a very unhappy welcome. <br/>	Upon our arrival at the Crestwood camp, Harding details a very dark history for the town and surrounding areas. Blight, a flood of the old town centre that killed many, a giant rift in the centre of the lake that spawns endless walking corpses. Nothing about this place is pleasant. <br/>	Hawke seeks out her Warden friends while my companions and I head to the town of Crestwood to speak with the mayor. We discover that the only way to reach the rift in the centre of the lake is to drain the lake, and in order to do that, we need to access the flood gates which can only be reached through a currently bandit occupied Caer Bronach. That day we return to camp in order to plan our assault and I dispatch scouts to analyse the fortifications and bandit numbers. According to their reports, we should be able to take the old fortress with only a handful of men as the bandits are few in number.<br/>	Seated at my makeshift desk under the open canopy of my office tent, I fight against the swirling winds and waves of rain that blow rhythmically over myself and my paperwork. I groan as I gather up the scattered reports and letters for the thousandth time, frustrated beyond measure at the horrible weather conditions that seem only to worsen with each passing day.<br/>	Across the camp I can see Bull and Dorian under another canopy, both sat in silence. While Bull is sipping on a bottle of ale, Dorian is huddled inside of a heavy blanket looking quite mortified by the world around him. The way he has his knees drawn up to his chin makes him look almost like a child.<br/>	I sigh at the sight of them, guilt rising in my chest at having dragged them to this horrible place. Closing my eyes, I imagine myself curled up in my bed with the flames flickering in the hearth across the room. Adding Cullen curled up beside me only makes the fantasy that much more wonderful.<br/>	Another strong gust sends yet more paper flying about and I scramble to catch it all. I can barely read any of these reports and letters, let alone reply to any of them. <br/>	I stack the papers and place them inside the trunk on the table, locking it so that the wind cannot somehow pry it open and blow them all away. With a heavy sigh I slump back down into my chair, unsure what to do with the rest of the evening. Dinner was a simple broth that one of the soldiers put together and with the sun mostly set, it is not a good idea to take a stroll. Between the walking corpses and the endless drenching rain, I suppose it is never a good idea.<br/>	I do not realize I am dozing off in my chair until the sudden thump of something heavy on the table startles me awake.<br/>	Hawke smirks down at me. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”<br/>	I smile wryly and let out a long yawn. “You’re back. Did you find your people?”<br/>	She nods. “I did. They are holed up in a cave south of here, on the other side of the town.” Her smile is laced with relief. “I appreciate you allowing me to seek them out myself. Things are…complicated.”<br/>	I eye her for a moment, the warmth in her eyes unlike anything I have seen on her before. I wonder who is with these Wardens that makes her heart glow like that.<br/>	“I am glad that they are safe. If they need anything, please let me know.”<br/>	She offers a smile. “I think I like you, Lady Inquisitor.”<br/>	I laugh softly. “Please, just call me Astri. I get enough of that formality at Skyhold.”<br/>	“I know what you mean. As you wish. I must admit I am thankful that Varric introduced us. I think we are alike in many ways, you and I.”<br/>	“I am glad you think so,” I say, my eyes glancing around the camp. “Speaking of, have you seen Varric yet? I believe he is in his tent tending to business.”<br/>	Hawke shakes her head. “No, I will find him soon. Thought I’d report in before I find a place to crash. And you looked like you were about to drop off your chair into the mud.” She chuckles.<br/>	I laugh softly, another yawn rattling my body. “I should probably head to bed. Feel like helping us take a bandit fortress in the morning?”<br/>	Hawke raises an eyebrow. “I get to zap some bandits with magic? Sounds like fun. I’ll be there.”<br/>	I find my tent in the rain, dry myself thoroughly and fall heavily into my bed roll. Sleep takes me before my mind has time to think of anything other than my own exhaustion.</p><p>Caer Bronach is ours soon after sunrise as we attacked in the early morning hours and took the bandits by surprise. With Harding notified of our new foothold, we continue on to the floodgate controls and stand atop the dam wall as the water releases from the lake and flows into the empty valley below.<br/>	A dragon appears, Bull roaring after it as it takes flight and passes directly over our heads.<br/>	“Please tell me we’re going to take her down, Boss!” He cries as it circles around and heads southward.<br/>	Glancing over at the others I find myself shrugging. “If we come across her, why not?”<br/>	Bull roars with laughter. “Today is a good day.”<br/>	Old Crestwood is a haunting place that sends chills down my spine. Walking corpses, empty houses. Everything about it is unsettling and heart wrenching.<br/>	We push deep into caves below the old township and then into dwarven ruins where we find the rift that has caused so many of Crestwood’s endless issues. Once it is sealed, we return to Crestwood. However, upon our return, the Mayor is nowhere to be found. Only a letter acknowledging his guilt remains as he confesses to having been the one to flood Old Crestwood ten years ago to stop the spread of Blight sickness.<br/>	Fuelled by this betrayal, we make our way back to Caer Bronach where Harding and her people have begun to clean up and turn it into a command centre for the Inquisition. <br/>	After a hot meal I find a table and chair inside and tend to my paperwork, glad to finally have a roof over my head once more. After such a long and miserable day, I feel the overwhelming urge to curl into a ball in the corner and cry myself into unconsciousness, but I know how little good that will do me, and so I press on. I do not let myself think of Skyhold and of my bed. Nor do I allow myself to even think of Cullen. My misery is so deep that any thoughts of home will surely only make my suffering worse.<br/>	With a raven to Skyhold, the letter detailing the last few days in Crestwood, I wrap myself in a blanket and crawl into my bed roll once again, praying that I will be able to return home soon.</p><p>With dawn comes an unexpected miracle. Overnight the skies have cleared, and the rain has altogether ceased. With blue skies overhead and the promise of a better day, we set to work on further preparing Caer Bronach for occupation. Even just this change in weather makes a huge difference to the morale of the group and despite the misery of the day before, I find most of the people around me smiling and laughing for the first time since we arrived in Crestwood.<br/>	I take some time to myself and take a stroll along the battlements, admiring the views of the hills around us and the valley below. I think of Skyhold then, of Cullen’s arms around me. This new day has brought with it some hope of returning soon. I am thankful for it.<br/>	A raven arrives as the sun sets and it brings with it several reports from my advisors. But none sparks quite the response as Cullen’s. Seeing his handwriting alone makes my heart swell. But to find a small personal letter within his report has me smiling brightly, imagining his golden eyes on mine.</p><p>	Astri;<br/>		Your reports on Crestwood and the matters there have been quite astounding, and I feel only more guilt for not being there by your side. Walking corpses, giant fade rifts, dragons and Maker knows what else; I can hardly believe anyone could live in such a place. To think you are amongst it all, facing so many dangers frustrates me to no end. <br/>	I am certain that you have been busy and that is why you have yet to write to me. I understand. But I must admit that I have been awaiting word from you since the moment you left. If it were not for your reports and those from Scout Harding, I might have gone mad with worry. <br/>	Forgive me, I do not mean to overwhelm you. My concerns are not important right now. Please, be safe. <br/>	I miss you. I want you home.<br/>			Cullen</p><p>A mixture of emotions sends tears streaming down my face. I feel immense guilt for not having written to him sooner. But between everything that has been happening, my exhaustion and the miserable weather, I have had no time, nor any heart to sit and write a letter. I knew my reports would be dismal enough without a private letter detailing the true depths of our troubles.<br/>	I wipe away my tears, my lips quivering uncontrollably, and prepare to write a reply. My quill hovers over a blank page and I rake my brain for something to write. I have so much to say, and yet so little. I want to tell him how my heart aches and how I miss him so much that it hurts. I want to tell him how horrible this entire trip has been and that I wish I had never come here. But none of those things will benefit either of us. I am sure that if he is suffering even half as badly as I am that those feelings are torment enough.<br/>	And so, I write only a simple reply, praying that it is enough to satisfy him for now.</p><p>	Cullen;<br/>		I have kept my promise, as I said I would. I am safe and well. Crestwood has been an experience I will likely never forget. My reports do the misery little justice. But despite it, thoughts of Skyhold keep my spirits high, and thoughts of you keep my heart filled with warmth.<br/>	Today the sun shone for the first time since we arrived here. Things are looking brighter than they did yesterday.<br/>	Please try not to worry about me too much. I promised I would return safely, and I shall. <br/>	I miss you too. More than anything.<br/>			Astri</p><p>I attach the letter to a raven and send it off into the night, the faintest smile on my lips. I pray that Cullen wakes to this letter and it helps him through another day.</p><p>Hawke guides us along the side of a stone covered hill heading south. After over a week in the area it was finally decided this morning that it should be safe enough to seek out her Warden friends. When we first arrived in Crestwood, we came across other Wardens who were seeking out those Hawke is taking us to meet with, so heading directly to them seemed unwise. But with those Wardens now long gone, we are finally able to attend the meeting we came here for.<br/>	The cave is tucked away in the hillside, hidden behind overgrown bushes and low hanging trees. From the road below it is impossible to see, so I understand why it has been chosen for a hideout.<br/>	Hawke takes the lead, and we follow her into the cool depths of the cave until we reach a wooden door that barely stands upright in the unevenly shaped space. She moves close to it and speaks through the cracks.<br/>	“It’s me,” she says softly. “I have brought the Inquisitor.”<br/>	There are footsteps on the other side and then the clank of a mechanism as the door unlocks. <br/>	Hawke turns to me with a smile. “In we go.”<br/>	The space beyond the door is smaller than I imagined it would be and lit poorly by only a few flickering candles. There are only the bare essentials strewn about the place; a few bed rolls and some crates that are being used as tables.<br/>	In the centre of the room stand three men I do not recognize. The first is an older man with a large black moustache that reaches his jaw on either side. He has a heavy brow that hangs low as he watches us enter. <br/>	Beside him is a man somewhat older than the first with steely blue eyes and black hair. His face is deeply aged, his heavy dark brow set low in what appears to be a permanent frown from the worn wrinkles above his brow and eyes. <br/>	The third man has a square face, short dark hair and a look that is far more intimidating than the others. But when his eyes meet Hawke’s, they warm greatly and there is even a flash of relief within them too.<br/>	“You weren’t followed?” The first man glances behind us as the door creaks to a close.<br/>	Hawke shakes her head. “No. We made sure of it.” She turns to me then. “Inquisitor, I would like to introduce to you my friends. This is Stroud,” she says, signalling to the first man with the moustache. “He has served the Wardens for a long time and was one of their senior members.” She turns to the black-haired man next. “This is Loghain, a Grey Warden from the Fifth Blight who helped slay the Archdemon.”<br/>	Loghain smirks wryly. “Amongst other things, indeed.”<br/>	Loghain. I am familiar with that name. A former teyrn and friend of King Maric. The man who deserted King Cailan’s army at Ostagar years ago.<br/>	Hawke turns to the third man. “And this is Carver, my younger brother.”<br/>	My eyes move reluctantly from Loghain to Carver beside him. “Your brother is a Warden?”<br/>	She nods. “When I learned of all this madness, I tried to track him down, thinking to have him sent far away so that he might be out of danger. He did not make it easy.” She eyes Carver then who sighs.<br/>	“You’re not my babysitter, Arden.”<br/>	“Arden?”<br/>	Hawke sighs and glances back at me. “Yes, that is my birth name. Haven’t heard it in a long time.”<br/>	“It’s been a while, Junior.” Varric smirks as he steps amongst the group.<br/>	Carver sighs. “Just had to bring your dwarf, didn’t you?”<br/>	Hawke laughs. “That was the Inquisitor’s doing. Don’t blame me.” <br/>	All eyes turn to me then and I find myself shifting awkwardly. These people are essentially people of legends. The Champion of Kirkwall, her brother, the Warden Loghain, the Hero of River Dane and friend of King Maric. I feel so small and insignificant in front of them. It is incredibly intimidating.<br/>	“Thank you all for taking the time to meet with us,” I say, forcing myself through my nerves. “I know that it puts you at great risk. We appreciate any help you can offer.”<br/>	Loghain smirks. “Manners in this cave? Carver, you might want to take notes from this one.”<br/>	Carver groans.<br/>	“With the enemy that you face, Inquisitor, you will need all the allies you can find,” Stroud says, stepping forward. “We are at your service.”<br/>	I nod, thanking him. “I am grateful, Ser Stroud. Hawke tells me that there may be a link between Corypheus and the Grey Wardens. That he was able to control them once before.”<br/>	Stroud nods, his brow deepening into a frown. “I fear that it is so. When Hawke and her friends slew Corypheus, Weisshaupt was happy to put the matter to rest. But an Archdemon can survive wounds that seem fatal, and I fear that Corypheus might possess the same power. My investigation uncovered some clues, but no proof.”<br/>	“It was then that we Wardens began to hear the Calling,” Loghain continues, his earlier stern but casual demeanour turning dark. <br/>	“All of you?”<br/>	Loghain nods at my question. “Yes. I was in Orlais when it all began. When I spoke against Clarel she ordered my arrest. The last I heard Aylin and Nathaniel were investigating an important matter regarding the Calling.” His eyes are full of sadness as he mentions his companions. “She and Nathaniel followed a lead far into the West, while I joined Stroud to investigate Corypheus further.”<br/>	“Why did none of you mention this to me? About the Calling?” Hawke’s tone is almost pleading, her eyes on Carver. “I might have been able to help.”<br/>	“Help how?” Carver snaps. “You’ve got enough to worry about as it is.”<br/>	She sighs. “Still…I would have preferred to know.”<br/>	“What is causing it?” I ask. “How is it even possible for all of the Grey Wardens to hear it at the same time?”<br/>	“Corypheus was able to control Wardens in the past,” Stroud replies wearily. “He influenced their minds. I imagine that is how he is able to mimic the Calling.”<br/>	“Then the Wardens are desperate.” My voice is so low that I am surprised that any of them are able to understand my words.<br/>	“They think they are dying,” Hawke adds, eyes on the ground between us.<br/>	Stroud steps forwards. “If the Wardens fall, who will stand against the next Blight? It is our greatest fear.”<br/>	“So Corypheus is bluffing them and they are falling for it?” I can hear the rising anger in Hawke’s tone.<br/>	“Desperation and fear can lead anyone astray.” I sigh at the reality of this all. “We need to do something.”<br/>	“From what we understand, the Wardens are gathering in the Western Approach,” Loghain says, eyes on mine. “There is an old Tevinter ritual tower there and they have shown much interest in it. If you could meet us there, then we could investigate this further. Potentially discover a way to end this insanity.”<br/>	I nod, my thoughts on all that has been said. “Of course. If that is where the leads are, then we must go.”<br/>	“I will be coming too,” Hawke says with a slight sneer. “This is all my fault as it is. I will be there to put an end to it.”<br/>	I feel for Hawke then, realizing the blame she has placed on her own shoulders. I know exactly what that burden feels like.<br/>	We do not linger in the cave much longer as we do not wish to draw any attention to the occupants. Hawke remains with her friends, deciding to travel to the Western Approach with them instead. And so, my party and I leave, Varric more reluctantly than any of us.<br/>	“You look after your sister, Junior,” he calls to Carver as we turn to go.<br/>	“She is more than capable of looking after herself, dwarf.”<br/>	Passing through the cave towards the surface, a man wearing a low hood and cape appears before us. He hesitates, a hand pulling his hood further over his face.<br/>	Varric clears his throat. “I didn’t think you would come.”<br/>	The man glances up from under his hood, brown eyes highlighted by the dark circles beneath them. “Fancy seeing you here, Varric.”<br/>	Varric frowns. “Where Hawke goes, I go.”<br/>	The man sneers weakly. “These few past years could say otherwise.” His eyes meet mine. There is a ferocity in them that is frightening, but his expression softens then. “You’re her? The Inquisitor?”<br/>	I nod, confusion written all over my face. “Astri Trevelyan.”<br/>	He smiles. “Thank you. You have done more for our people than most. You remind me of someone very dear to me. You have that same look in your eye.” He turns back to Varric. “Save the cold stares, dwarf. I will take care of her.” And then he passes us by, his cloak brushing against my arm as he passes.<br/>	Varric sighs. “You better, Blondie.”</p><p>With the only remaining task being taking down the Northern Hunter, we make quick work of it and soon are packing our things for our return to Skyhold. Dorian could not be more enthusiastic as we settle in for our final night in Crestwood. He beams over dinner and tells us all of his wild fantasies of being wrapped up in a fur lined blanket, butt naked and comfortable within his wonderful, warm bed. While I find his details hilarious, I cannot help but share them. I too have missed the comfort of home. More than anything.<br/>	I retire early but find myself at my small makeshift desk, scribbling a hopeful letter to Cullen, promising to be back in his arms safely within the week.<br/>	With a raven bound for Skyhold, I tuck myself into my bed roll with the faintest peace of mind. After meeting with Hawke’s friends, I have this horrible feeling that things are worse than any of us yet imagine. But I try my best not to focus that far ahead. For now, I try to think of Cullen and that I will be with him again very soon.</p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Home At Last</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Entering the Frostback Mountains we are met with foul weather. Blizzards make the pass to Skyhold impossible and we are forced to remain at the checkpoint camp for three nights longer than expected. During this time, we are unable to send ravens to Skyhold due to the poor conditions and so instead we are left stranded without any means to let those waiting for us know that we will be delayed.<br/>	Frustration has my nerves on end and my temper flares up at even the smallest things. To be so close to home and snowed in is infuriating. Especially at the thought of how Cullen must be going out of his mind not knowing what has happened to me.<br/>	Eventually there is a break in the weather, but it comes as afternoon turns to evening and with the daylight fading, I question whether or not to risk the final push in the darkness, or wait to see what morning will bring.<br/>	“If we remain here any longer, I think I might go insane.” Dorian is adamant that we take the risk, his impatience easily rivalling my own.<br/>	I want to agree without hesitation, but as the light continues to fade, I wonder how wise such a risk would truly be.<br/>	“After all that snowfall, it might not be the best idea,” Bull says, oddly becoming our voice of reason.<br/>	Varric nods. “I’m with Tiny. As good as a warm bed sounds, we don’t know what condition the pass is in.”<br/>	I bite my lip, eyes closing and the thought of Cullen’s arms warming me. I sigh. “But if we wait it out, we might lose our chance. This isn’t just about getting back to Skyhold. We are supposed to meet Hawke in the Western Approach in a month. These delays jeopardize more than just a warm bed.”<br/>	I can see that Varric wants to argue, but he can also see my reasoning.<br/>	He sighs. “If you think we can make it, then sure. I suppose we don’t have a choice after all.”<br/>	I glance at Bull who nods. “Alright then. Ready the horses.”<br/>	With the horses prepared, we take to the mountain pass despite warnings from the soldiers at the camp. We take the first part on horseback, then decide to continue on foot, leading the horses, as the conditions of the pass begin to quickly deteriorate. Debris litters the path, and the snow is so deep in some places that it is almost impassable.<br/>	The sun sets soon after we leave the camp, but we continue through the dark as best we can, navigating by fire spells that Dorian and I cast in order to light the way.<br/>	Hours pass and the cold only worsens the further into the mountains we trek. I begin to regret my decision and wonder if we may actually die out here because of my own stupidity. However, Skyhold eventually comes into view and we push ahead with renewed enthusiasm. <br/>	Passing beneath the portcullis, all the weight of the past few weeks begins to wash away from me, and I feel an enormous wave of emotions come over me. Skyhold is so peaceful, so familiar. It is as though nothing has changed, as though no time has passed at all, aside from the debris that continues to be cleared away. It feels as though I have been gone for months. It truly is a magical feeling to finally have returned.<br/>	With the stable hands already in bed considering the early morning hour, a couple of guardsmen take care of our horses for us, disbelief at our sudden return written all over our faces.<br/>	“The weather has been so poorly, we did not expect you for days yet, Inquisitor,” one of them says as he takes my reins. <br/>	I laugh softly, removing my saddlebags swiftly. “Everyone loves a good surprise. The weather calmed a little, so we took the opportunity whilst it was there. I would not recommend hiking through the mountains in the dark after a week-long blizzard, however.”<br/>	“Noted, my lady,” he replies with a smile.<br/>	I glance up at Cullen’s tower then, eyes noting the faintest hint of candlelight in the windows. I consider going to him now, but I know how poorly he sleeps on a good day. If he is asleep now, I dare not wake him.<br/>	I part ways with my party in the great hall and we all shuffle wearily to our quarters. When I reach my own chamber, I find it dark and cold. I do not wish to wake Yvette or Lanathari at this hour, so I set about making my own fire with the aid of a fire spell. <br/>	Removing my armour and robes, my body feels infinitely lighter and I begin to relax properly. It has been too long since I felt like this, comforted by simple warmth and calm. <br/>	I find a clean nightgown in my drawers and slide it over my exhausted body, marvelling at the softness against my aching skin. I cannot wait for my morning bath. In Crestwood there had been little to no chance to bathe at all. Between the weather and the poor living conditions it was both impossible and pointless.<br/>	Thinking of Caer Bronach and all that still needs to be done to make it a proper fortress for the Inquisition, I scribble a quick note to myself to arrange better supplies and more soldiers at the next war meeting.<br/>	The door creaks open as I am finishing the note and my heart sinks thinking that Yvette must has been awoken to come assist me. I hurry the final words of my note and glance up to apologize to her and dismiss her, but instead I am met by the sight of a man with blonde hair and a look of disbelief on his face.<br/>	“What in the Maker’s name were you thinking?” He snaps, half growling, half pleading.<br/>	I stand upright and frown at him. “What do you mean?” It is a stupid question, of course I know the answer.<br/>	His frown deepens as he begins to step towards me. “You could have been killed. That pass is dangerous on a good day. After all the snow we have had...” His voice trails off, his expression softening as he nears me.<br/>	I sigh, crossing my arms over my chest. “It had to be done. I am the Inquisitor. I am needed here and elsewhere. I cannot afford to be stuck in the mountains. Not with what comes next.”<br/>	Cullen’s face twists a little at my words. “I read your report from your meeting with Hawke’s companions.” He runs his hand down his face, bringing my attention to the heavy dark circles under his eyes and the sunken appearance of his face.<br/>	I go to him then, my hands cupping his face. He is surprised by the sudden touch, but slowly melts into it. “Are you alright? You look unwell.” My hands quickly warm at the presence of a raging fever. “Cullen, you have a fever!”<br/>	He sighs and takes my hands in his. “It happens most nights. You needn’t worry about it.” His golden eyes hold mine, the weight of his weariness evident in their lack of life. “These past weeks have been…trying. I knew it would be difficult, but it was harder than I imagined.” His eyes lower to the floor as though ashamed of himself.<br/>	My arms wrap around him, my face buried deep into his strong chest. It is now that I realize that he is not wearing his usual armour and cape. He is in an undershirt and trousers. “Aren’t you freezing? You should have put a jacket on, or you will catch a cold.”<br/>	He chuckles softly, his chest bouncing. “The fever makes it hard to layer. I prefer the cold, anyway. It helps.”<br/>	My arms tighten around him, my heart aching for all that he is going through. I feel guilt mounting as I imagine the struggles he has endured in my absence. He has enough to deal with without having to worry about me as well. A tear falls down my face as I begin to question if beginning this relationship was a good idea in the first place. I am only making things harder for him.<br/>	“Astri? What’s wrong?” Cullen raises my face with his hands, panicking when he sees my tears. “Astri?”<br/>	I blink up at him, willing the tears to disappear. “I’m sorry.”<br/>	He sighs and pulls me into his arms, lips kissing the top of my head lovingly. “No, I am the one who should apologize. I did not mean to upset you. I am only glad you are back. I missed you so much.”<br/>	My fingers grip the back of his shirt, marvelling at the softness of his skin beneath it. I am reminded of when he carried me through the mountain camp and try my best to fight away the memory of his shirtless body as my heart begins to pound.<br/>	Cullen pulls away slightly, the faintest of smiles on the corner of his mouth. “You must be exhausted. You should get some rest.” He moves to my bed and pushes aside the covers. He signals for me to climb inside. <br/>	Unsure what he intends by any of this, I obey, my heart racing uncontrollably. Once on the bed, Cullen replaces the blankets over me, tucking me in sweetly. <br/>	Standing over me, I can see his smile widen. “You are so beautiful,” he says, voice low and husky. Then he leans down and kisses my forehead.<br/>	Before he leaves, he places more wood on the fire, then disappears down the stairs with another smile. I am fast asleep before I hear the door close behind him.</p><p>It is nearing noon when I finally awaken. My body aches from head to toe, exhausted by endless travel and sleeping on bed rolls for weeks. I cannot fathom how anyone could travel around like Hawke and our soldiers who have only bed rolls for beds most nights. They must be far stronger than I am. I have no doubt.<br/>	Yvette is overwhelmed with joy to have me back at Skyhold and runs an extra warm bath for my aching body. She promises me a hearty breakfast too and disappears to retrieve it whilst I soak happily, eyes closed and thankful to finally be clean.<br/>	As much as I wish to remain in the bath all day, having wasted so many hours sleeping in so late, I climb out and dress myself before Yvette returns with my meal. <br/>	Lanathari arrives before my food does and dives headlong into the things I missed in Skyhold during the month I was away. <br/>	“Have you seen Sunshine yet?” She asks as Yvette places my tray on the desk in front of me. “You should have seen him. I don’t think anyone saw him smile the entire time you were gone. His men looked as though he tried to bite their heads off every time they left his office.”<br/>	I sigh, guilt threatening to wash away my appetite. “I can’t say my month was any better. Crestwood is a miserable place. I highly recommend never going there.”<br/>	Lanathari eyes me a moment. “The reports were pretty dismal. Can’t say I’m not glad I wasn’t invited along. Still disappointed I didn’t get to help take down the dragon, though. You could have brought me a souvenir or something.”<br/>	I laugh softly, biting into my bread. “Next time I’ll bring back a tooth.”<br/>	She beams over at me. “That would be incredible! Maybe I can get Dagna to craft something out of it. Maybe a dagger, or some armour.” She loses herself in thought then, no doubt considering all the options she might have for a dragon tooth.<br/>	I lean forward, my eyebrow raised. “I do have something I am particularly curious about.”<br/>	“What would that be?”<br/>	“You and Rylen,” I say with a smirk. “How are things between the two of you? I want details.”<br/>	Lanathari chuckles, her expression turning suggestive. “I’d happily share them, but I am not sure you would want that much detail.”<br/>	Her tone tells me that she is right. I really don’t want that much detail.<br/>	“Alright, fine,” I say through a laugh. “How about some basics? I take it by the tone that things have progressed pretty far.”<br/>	“Oh, boy, have they!” She bites her lip, recalling memories of the recent weeks. “I have to say, you picked a good one, Astri. He has been good to me. More than good. Things have been fantastic.”<br/>	By the smile on her face I understand exactly what she means, and it brings a smile to my face as well.<br/>	“I am glad to hear it. You both deserve to be happy.”<br/>	She eyes me with her head slightly tilted. “Speaking of such, what about you and Sunshine? Those looks you two were giving each other before you left were pretty damn intense. And his brooding since you left; he really, really needs that tension worked out of him.”<br/>	I nearly spit my tea as I take a sip. “Sweet Maker!”<br/>	Lanathari laughs. “I never knew you were such a prude, Astri. Especially not after the stories you told me about…your first.”<br/>	Even if she does not say his name, just the mention of Gabriel dampens my mood dreadfully.<br/>	“Yes well, Gabriel was not one of my finer moments.”<br/>	“Maybe not in terms of a relationship, but from the sex you described; he definitely was one of your finer moments.” She winks playfully.<br/>	I groan. “I am glad that you and Rylen have such a fulfilling sex life, Lanathari. But for me, I am just happy to have someone like Cullen in my life at all. Right now, that is all I need.”<br/>	She eyes me as though not fully convinced. “Yes, well, when you cave, make sure you tell me all about it. I am certain every woman in Skyhold wants to know what sleeping with the Commander would be like.”<br/>	I groan again, hand rubbing my forehead. “No one needs to know about us.”<br/>	She laughs heartily. “Are you joking? Everyone knows about you two. It’s been all everyone has talked about since you left. There have been bets going around on whether Sunshine would have a mental breakdown before you got back.”<br/>	I recall the night before I left and the guard who stumbled across Cullen and I on the battlements. Of course it had spread around Skyhold. It was foolish of me to think we could keep a secret that large in this place.<br/>	I sigh. “I shouldn’t be surprised.”<br/>	“You don’t need to worry about it. If anything, everyone is thrilled about it. The Inquisitor and her Commander? It’s like a fairy-tale.”<br/>	A small laugh comes out as another sigh. “Hardly. Even if everyone knows, I still want to keep our privacy. Now I know all eyes will be on us, we will have to be more subtle.”<br/>	“At least you have Josephine on your side,” Lanathari says. “She has been doing everything she can to keep your relationship on the quiet. You know, the whole single Inquisitor and single Commander business being good for politics. Having you both seem available is one of her biggest political hooks these days.”<br/>	“So, my advisors know about it, even better.”<br/>	Lanathari laughs. “Try not to let it bother you. As long as you are happy, then that’s all that matters. Forget about the eyes and enjoy yourself. You deserve it.”<br/>	Conversation turns to business then as Lanathari runs me through some small Inquisition related matters that require my personal attention. After being gone a month there are many things that have happened that were not mentioned in my daily reports I received in Crestwood. I do my best to take note of the things Lanathari mentions, but my mind wanders to Cullen more times than I can count. Images of his sunken face still haunt me and after Lanathari’s description of his misery during my absence, I am worried that his withdrawals might be beginning to take their toll on him, even worse than usual.<br/>	Once I am free from Lanathari’s debriefing, I decide to head to the herb garden to see what I can find for some herbs for Cullen. His fever last night was horrendous, and yet he told me that it is a nightly occurrence. A fever is never a harmless thing and can cause serious damage if allowed to continue for an extended time. If he must battle such a thing daily, then I want to aid him in that fight. He may not think he needs the help, but he is no longer alone in this anymore.<br/>	I find the resources I need and take them to the alchemy tower where I am greeted by my fellow alchemists who are more than pleased to see me. They aid me in my brewing and soon we have concocted a tonic that should work best when added to a cup of tea. <br/>	Leaving the tower, I glance down at the bottle in my hand, trying to decide how best to give it to Cullen. Would he accept it outright? His moods are apparently sporadic as they were in Haven. Our relationship is still so new, I wonder if this would be overstepping some boundary. But I am also the Inquisitor, and I need my Commander at his best.<br/>	I sigh and tuck the bottle into my robes. I will have to think on it some more.<br/>	I decide to take a walk around the battlements, eager to make the most of my return to Skyhold. I have missed the views and the sense of calm. The day is cold with irregular snowfall. If my party and I had remained at the checkpoint camp overnight we would have been able to travel to Skyhold this morning, but I am glad that we took the risk as I feel infinitely more refreshed having spent a night in my own bed.<br/>	I pause on the battlements, looking down at the growing campgrounds down in the valley below. There are nearly double the number of tents that there had been a month ago and the sight brings a smile to my face. The Inquisition is becoming a true power in Southern Thedas and it is incredible to think that I am the head of that power. Life feels surreal most days, but I do not feel like someone who leads an organization such as this. I suppose I have my advisors who do much of the heavy lifting, so in a lot of ways I am merely the figurehead and the one called upon to make the bigger decisions. I am glad that I do not carry this weight alone. I do not think I could be capable of such a thing.<br/>	Crossing the upper courtyard of Skyhold, I can hear the clanging of swords. Glancing to my left, down the side of the Herald’s Rest, I catch a glimpse of Lanathari in her training gear, sword in hand. It has been a long time since I watched her spar, so I wander towards her, drawn in by her ferocity.<br/>	Rylen is there, sword drawn and sweat beading on his forehead. He is wearing only thin underclothes and trousers, boots soaked in mud and snow. His wavy brown hair clinging to his head from sweat.<br/>	I lean against the wall, a smile planted on my face, as I watch them take powerful swings at one another, proud of their own abilities to dodge and parry each attack. Despite the height difference, with Lanathari a good head and shoulders shorter than Rylen, they are evenly matched. I have always marvelled at how someone so small as Lanathari could be so powerfully built. Every muscle in her body is built with such structure that it makes it easy to imagine that she could rival a man of Rylen’s height and build. <br/>	Lanathari lunges forward, her sword striking Rylen’s. She spins her small body, lowering herself below Rylen’s reach and makes for his open torso. However, Rylen is too fast and too aware of her moves that he is able to leap backwards, his long legs creating enough distance between them for him to regain his defences.<br/>	Lanathari curses under her breath which has Rylen laughing, eyes sparkling over at her with delight.<br/>	“You’re sexy when you’re pissed off,” he says cheekily, laughing louder when she shoots him a cold look. “Going to have to learn some new moves, love. You’re starting to become predictable.”<br/>	Lanathari looks prepared to challenge him again but notices me standing nearby and waves to me. “Astri, hey. Come to see me beat up your boyfriend’s bestie?” Rylen laughs at that, but I find myself glancing around the courtyard to see if anyone heard her.<br/>	“Oh, come on, Inquisitor,” Rylen calls to me, his voice only growing louder. “Everyone already knows about you two. Its time you guys let your hair down a little. Perhaps we should have a date night. Or couples sparring. Oh, now that sounds like fun.”<br/>	“I’m a mage, Rylen.”<br/>	He shrugs, his sword piercing the ground so that he can use it to lean on. “Honestly, that just makes the odds more even.” He winks over at Lanathari who laughs softly at that.<br/>	I raise an eyebrow as I approach them. “Is that so? You are aware I could freeze you both with a snap of my fingers?”<br/>	“Ah, so then we need to go for the fingers first. Noted.”<br/>	I roll my eyes at him. “You’re awfully cheery these days, Rylen. I take it Lanathari wasn’t exaggerating when she told me about you two and your…relations.”<br/>	This has him guffawing and he reaches out and takes Lanathari by the hip, drawing her into him. “So, you’ve been sharing details with our Inquisitor, hm?” He kisses her warmly on the forehead. “That’s kind of hot.”<br/>	Lanathari kisses him then and the sight makes my heart swell. My thoughts move to Cullen and suddenly I feel a pang of jealousy. They are so open with their feelings, with themselves and with everyone else. I wonder if Cullen and I will be like that someday. At least with each other, if not with everyone else.<br/>	We find ourselves in the Herald’s Rest soon after, ordering drinks and taking a table in the corner. Rylen keeps his arm around Lanathari’s shoulders for most of the time, the two of them sharing endless heart-warming glances. In just a month their relationship has blossomed beyond what I could have ever hoped for and I can see in those glances the love they have for each other. It is such a casual affection, yet the intensity of it is unlike anything I have seen before. I suppose when two people come together that are so alike in almost every way, both with incredible passion and strong minds, this is the result. A romance beyond the understanding of most people. It truly is a special thing and I feel blessed to both witness it, and to lay claim to the creation of it.<br/>	We take our dinner in the tavern and when the sun begins to set, we wander out into the upper courtyard once again. Rylen turns to Lanathari and the two share a kiss before he begins the walk down to the soldier’s camp in the valley. <br/>	Lanathari watches him go with a sparkle in her eye, then she walks with me into the great hall where we separate, and I continue into my chambers alone.<br/>	I seat myself at my desk, eyes on the growing pile of documents to my left. Oddly, it feels wonderful to be back at this desk, faced with an endless pile of paperwork. This tedious task feels like home. So, I take up the first document, eyes scanning the page and my mind piecing together the report detailed on it. I would take a day like today over any day outside of these walls. Pile of paperwork, or no pile of paperwork. This is where I belong.</p>
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<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Pain and Healing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My hands knead the straps of my satchel as I cross the bridge from the rotunda to Cullen’s tower. At breakfast I made the decision to swallow my fears and take the initiative to seek him out. Despite our kisses before I left for Crestwood and him visiting me in my chamber the night I returned, this thing between us still feels so uncertain. I will not be in Skyhold forever, and my fears are as they were a month ago. I do not want to leave without knowing that I will have something to come back to.<br/>	Hesitating at the door, I can hear voices from within the office. Cullen’s is amongst them, commanding and professional as always.<br/>	My hand moves to knock on the door but pauses short of it. Lanathari and Rylen said that everyone knows about Cullen and I. If I were to appear now, I am certain it would only fuel the rumours. I am conflicted on what I should do. If I leave now, I risk losing my courage. But I am unsure how to face his men with this uncertainty hanging over my head.<br/>	The door swings open and a guardsman startles when he sees me frozen on the other side.<br/>	“Inquisitor!” He says, bowing quickly. The guards behind him follow suit and my eyes dart to Cullen who is peering over at me through his men.<br/>	“Sorry, guardsman,” I say clumsily, stepping to the side to allow them space to pass.<br/>	As they go, I can see the sideways glances and hear their whispers. Hidden behind the wall, I try to calm my pounding heart. The door opening had given me a fright, and now my embarrassment is incredible.<br/>	“Astri?” Cullen’s voice comes from within his office, laced with confusion and concern.<br/>	I sigh. I have no choice now. I have to say the things I planned to say.<br/>	Entering the office, I am unsure if I should close the door behind me for some privacy or leave it open to avoid even more gossip. I decide to leave it open, still unsure what to make of this relationship, or whatever it is.<br/>	Cullen’s eyes are warm when they meet mine, the faintest smile on his lips. However, it is a tired smile that does not reach his eyes. He looks exhausted. Pale, weak. My heart clenches at the sight of him.<br/>	“I am sorry I have not come to see you,” he says, his voice as worn out as his appearance. His hand runs through his unusually lopsided hair. “My work has been endless. Skyhold is on the mend, but with all these new recruits and allies…” He sighs. “I am doing what I can to keep up.”<br/>	I want to take him in my arms, to kiss him and hold him. But my feet remain where they are, my heart squeezing tightly in my chest.<br/>	“Do you ever sleep?”<br/>	It is a genuine question, but he laughs softly. “I admit, not as well as I wish to.” His golden eyes hold mine, searching for something. “Is something the matter? You look upset.”<br/>	I shake my head, forcing away whatever emotions were showing on my face. “I wanted to see you. I was worried about you. Everyone says you were unwell whilst I was away. Is it the withdrawals?”<br/>	Cullen’s eyes darken at the mention of the cause for his suffering, but there is still a softness in his face. “I, uh, yes. At least, some of it is. The headaches are worsening, but it is nothing I can’t handle. I assure you; I am still able to serve the Inquisition as required.”<br/>	Frustration rises in my chest and I find myself rounding his desk to stand before him. He is surprised by my fast approach, eyeing me with wide eyes.<br/>	“I don’t care about that,” I snap. “I want to know how you are. I want to help.”<br/>	Cullen’s face softens fully, and his smile is genuine. “Astri…” His hand reaches out to me, fingers trailing my cheek. “Thank you. But you needn’t worry about me. You have more important things to concern yourself with.”<br/>	I grab his hand and hold it firmly in mine. “How can you even say such a thing? You are more important to me than any of this.” I gesture around us with my free hand. “If you are unwell, it affects me too. If you want me to be happy, then you must get better. Until then, I will be here, supporting you and doing everything I can to help you.”<br/>	Before he can respond I reach into my satchel and retrieve the elixir I made yesterday. I hold it up to him to observe. “Take this with your tea morning and night. It will help with your fever. I will speak with Adan and the alchemists about your headaches. I think I recall from one of my alchemy books a poultice that you can rub on your neck to aid them.”<br/>	Cullen smiles, his eyes lighting up brighter than I have seen in a long time. “You are incredible. I do not deserve you.” His hand slides onto my lower back and he pulls me into him. His lips meet mine and kisses me with a ferocity that has my head spinning. Pressing into him, I feel my emotions welling inside of me. All this confusion, all this longing, all this love for him.<br/>	I freeze in his arms, the reality of my thoughts taking me completely by surprise. Love? I knew my feelings for him were deep, but I have not even considered that word until now. It is unexpected. Both in the suddenness of it, and in the truth.<br/>	“Astri?” Cullen is looking down at me then, eyes searching my face. There is the slightest hint of fear in them.<br/>	I blink up at him. Maker he is beautiful. Everything about him is incredible to me. His eyes, his mouth, his cheeks, his scar, his hair. But not only the physical, but all that is within. His heart, his courage, his strength, his will. All of it is unlike anything I have seen before. It seems unimaginable for so many wonderful things to exist within the one person. I never could have thought I would meet someone like him.<br/>	“I…” I love you. The words never leave my mouth, but they are there on the tip of my tongue. I want to say them, but fear holds them back. All I can think about is Gabriel. Suddenly he is in front of me, telling me all his pretty little lies and making me question everything about myself and the world I thought I knew.<br/>	Cullen’s hand cups my cheek and pulls me from my thoughts. “You can talk to me,” he says softly, eyes holding mine. “I am yours. I want you to know that.”<br/>	A tear threatens in the corner of my eyes and I bury my face in his chest to hide it.<br/>	“I will tell you about it one day,” I whisper, my voice quivering with emotion. “I promise.”<br/>	His hands stroke my hair and my back. “I will wait.”</p><p>At the meeting later that day, discussion turns to my impending journey to the Western Approach. Whilst we await reports from the forward scouts, planning is limited and purely theoretical, but there are rumours of Venatori numbers out that way that have my advisors on edge.<br/>	“I think it wise to prepare additional forces to accompany the Inquisitor,” Cullen says, eyes narrow on the map between us. “If what we have heard is true, then the Venatori are heavily imbedded in the Western Approach. Whatever their purpose, they must be dealt with swiftly and concisely. We cannot allow them to gain a foothold neither here nor there.”<br/>	“I agree completely,” Leliana says. “Do you have men in mind, Commander?”<br/>	Cullen’s eyes meet mine a moment, then he nods. “I would suggest sending Rylen and his men. He is easily our most experienced soldier and the men respect him immensely.”<br/>	My heart sinks at his suggestion. “But that would take him from Skyhold for months at least.”<br/>	Cullen clearly understands my concern, but he nods despite it. “And he would gladly do his duty.”<br/>	He is right. I know he is. While my heart aches to think of separating Lanathari and Rylen, I know how important the Inquisition is to both of them. They will endure it as they must. <br/>	I sigh and nod. “Very well. I appreciate the aid. I fear what we may face in the Western Approach.”<br/>	“It is not only the Approach that you must conquer, Inquisitor,” Josephine says, stepping forward. “Eastern Orlais is in chaos with the civil war. If we wish to earn favour, we must insert ourselves into the affairs and discover what we can ahead of the ball at the Winter Palace.”<br/>	“This venture will be your most taxing yet, Inquisitor,” Leliana continues. “So much rides on this expedition. I suggest you bring all of your companions if you can. You will need all the help you can get.”<br/>	I swallow against the lump in my throat, eyes meeting Cullen’s to find him filled with a cocktail of emotions. <br/>	“Understood.”<br/>	The meeting comes to a close and I do not bother to hang around to see my advisors out. I leave ahead of them, desperate to get away. Ever since Crestwood something has stirred within me. Doubt, fear, uncertainty. I always knew all of this was dangerous. I knew that. But suddenly these thoughts have emerged. I have begun to question where all of this will lead. Am I going to survive this? One day I will have to face the ancient darkspawn magister and there is no guarantee that I will survive, let alone win.<br/>	The fear I felt during my horrendous escape from Haven begins to rise within me again, painful memories smothering me. My chest clenches and the air rushes from my lungs. I gasp, clutching my chest, and stumble through the door to the inner courtyard. Hidden in the shadows I submit to my panic attack, desperate to breathe but physically unable to.<br/>	My legs give way and I crumble into a heap. The world spins and I am unsure which way is up or down. A pair of arms wrap around me, pulling me into a strong chest. The sharp scent of perfume warms me with familiarity.<br/>	“Astri? Astri! Look at me!”<br/>	My eyes meet Dorian’s and the terror in them only deepens the ache in my chest. He pulls me closer, cradling the back of my head as he embraces me. I nestle into his neck, letting his presence console me. Slowly my world straightens once more and the twists and knots within me begin to unravel. My heavy breathing turns soft and drawn out. Relaxing into him, I feel Dorian’s body soften.<br/>	“What in Andraste’s name was that?” He asks, his concern now turning desperate. “What happened?”<br/>	My breath is shaken as I pull away from him slowly, weary eyes meeting his. “I-I’m sorry. I just…” My words fail me. How do I tell him what I have been thinking? All of these thoughts are so heavy, so painful. He would not understand. <br/>	“Astri!” Dorian’s hands hold my face firmly, his dark eyes piercing into mine. “What happened?”<br/>	I sigh and take his hands in mine. “Nothing. I’m just…tired. And overwhelmed. Forgive me.”<br/>	His expression is gentle, boundless love within it. “If only we were all as strong as you pretend to be.” He kisses my forehead, then helps me to my feet. “Come. I think you have earned the afternoon off.”</p><p>Dorian has Yvette run a bath for me when we reach my chamber. As I lay within the hot water, eyes closed and body melting away, he reads to me a book of poems as he lay atop my bed. With the doors to the balconies open, a warm breeze flows through the chamber. Spring is now in full swing, the sun shining brightly today and promising better days to come.<br/>	I am unsure how much time passes, but as the water begins to slowly cool, I pray to whoever might be listening to let me stay here. In this moment, I do not feel like the Inquisitor, or the Herald. I do not even feel like Astri Trevelyan or a mage. I feel like nothing. Weightless. Free. I wish that I could always feel this way.<br/>	“I do believe the sun will be setting soon, dearest,” Dorian calls from my bed, his book tossed aside on the covers. “I almost forgot to mention; Varric is hosting a game of Wicked Grace in the tavern tonight. I do believe it will be the usual crowd. Should I tell them that you are resting?”<br/>	I let out a long breath and nod. “Apologize to Varric for me. I think I would like to be alone tonight.”<br/>	Dorian’s head appears in the doorway. “Truly? I could go grab your Commander for you.”<br/>	I roll my eyes at him. “No, thank you, Dorian.”<br/>	He sighs. “The two of you are so bound up, you could use a little…kneading. Might do you a world of good. You would feel like a whole new woman. And he…a whole new man.”<br/>	I laugh under my breath. “I think I can handle the milestones in my own relationship, Dorian. Besides, those thoughts should be aimed in Bull’s direction.”<br/>	“Oh, believe me, they are. Regularly.” He winks. “Now you might want to get out of there before you shrivel up like a prune and even the Commander might not want you then.”<br/>	I glare over at him. “You’re a real arse.”<br/>	“My arse is very real,” he says playfully. “And incredibly toned. Now out you hop before I have to get Yvette in here with a hot clothes iron to get those wrinkles out of you.”<br/>	I am laughing heartily and do not hear the knock at the chamber door. I wrap myself in a sheet, wringing my long golden hair with my hands.<br/>	“I thought she deserved an afternoon with her favourite companion,” Dorian says, his voice growing closer as he climbs the stairs back into the chamber. “She works herself so thin that I felt some poetry and gossip might return a little of her spark.”<br/>	Thinking he must be talking to Yvette or Lanathari, I step into the chamber. But when Dorian appears before me with Cullen on his heels, I freeze and have to stop myself from shrieking.<br/>	“I am glad that she has you to help-” Cullen’s words cut off the moment he sees me standing there in nothing but a wet sheet.<br/>	The look on Dorian’s face tells me all I need to know. I mouth some pretty spiteful words at him as Cullen regains function and covers his eyes.<br/>	“Sweet Maker! You could have told me she was bathing, Dorian!”<br/>	Dorian chuckles. “And miss this? Maker, no.”<br/>	I take this opportunity to retrieve my robes and lock myself in my bathroom, heart racing, a smile on my lips. Despite the intrusion and Dorian’s obvious set up, I feel no embarrassment what-so-ever. Cullen’s response sends sparks through my body. And for the first time I allow myself to wonder what it might be like to give myself to him. To let him see me like this and have him respond freely to it. I shudder at the thought. I have tried to fight back these desires, but they only grow stronger each and every time I see him.<br/>	Stepping back into the chamber, Cullen meets my eyes with a hint of guilt and disappointment in his eyes. There is no denying he wants me as badly as I want him. But there is a restraint there as there is within me.<br/>	I glance around, noting the sudden absence of one Tevinter mage. “Where is Dorian?”<br/>	Cullen clears his throat. “He left whilst you were…dressing. Said something about drinks in the tavern.”<br/>	The sun is setting now, casting dark shadows across the chamber.<br/>	“Oh, he did mention that,” I say, nerves suddenly getting a hold on me. With this fire burning inside me, I worry for what stupid things I might say or do if given the chance. Being alone with Cullen is both wonderful and torturous. I want all of him, every single piece. And I want him to take me. But my fears tangle within those desires and turn them into something I cannot make sense of.<br/>	“Are you alright?”<br/>	I meet Cullen’s eyes again. “I hear that question so many times a day, I wonder if I must look like a lunatic to everyone in Skyhold.”<br/>	His eyes soften. “Not at all. Just…tired. Believe me, I know that look all too well. It plagues me endlessly within my own reflections.”<br/>	As our eyes hold across the room, I think of all the correlations between Cullen and I. The internal struggles we combat each day, the weariness of our duties, the uncertainties of our future, the troubles of our past. The similarities between us never cease to deepen. And all I can think about when I look at him is how badly I want to help him. To be the one to heal his wounds and to brighten his soul. If these are my own desires, then what are his? Does he share these thoughts? Does he wish the same for me?<br/>	“His name was Gabriel.” The words spill from my mouth before I can stop them, and by the startled look on Cullen’s face, I wonder whether I should have. “He was a templar at the Circle. The Knight-Captain, in fact.”<br/>	Cullen blinks over at me, his face twisted with confusion, then with a pang of discomfort, or perhaps jealousy. “A templar?”<br/>	I nod and sigh, sinking down onto the edge of my bed. “You told me when we first met that you understood if your past as a templar frightened me, made me distrust you. You were right. But not because you were a templar. I have known incredible people both templars and mages. It was not your former title, but the beliefs that came with it. Gabriel was a templar with whom I shared many firsts. And amongst those firsts was my first understanding of betrayal.”<br/>	Cullen takes a moment, thinking on all the things that I have just told him. I can see in his face that he had not expected this, nor can he truly make sense of it all. He runs a hand through his hair.<br/>	“I…don’t know what to say.” He hesitates. “Did he hurt you?”<br/>	I shake my head. “Not in the way you are thinking, no. He loved me and told me as much himself.”<br/>	Cullen eyes me, his next question obvious by the look in his eyes. “And you loved him?”<br/>	My hands intertwine in my lap, palms sweating. “No. At first I thought I did, but I quickly realized I did not.”<br/>	There is relief in his eyes, but also compassion. He comes to sit beside me, the closeness of him making my heart race.<br/>	“I am sorry.”<br/>	I laugh softly. “You needn’t be. I believe I hurt him more than he hurt me. My greatest wound was to my pride. I thought I knew the world. I thought I could trust the people around me. I was naïve and weak. He showed me that even those you care for, those with whom you share so many ideals, can betray you easily.”<br/>	Cullen’s hand takes mine. “That is not true for everyone.”<br/>	I nod. “I know. But I thought all people saw the good in others first, before the bad. I never doubted that. My first glimpse at the truth was when Gabriel saved me from that templar. And yet, I still told him that I did not want the templar punished. Gabriel had him transferred, but he defected and joined the war instead.”<br/>	“A templar tried to hurt you?”<br/>	I nod. “You saw the Circles and what they once were. Ostwick was hardly different. At least, not at the core. Templars abused mages all the time. I was just fortunate that I had someone to stand up for me. No matter my feelings towards Gabriel now, I will always be thankful for his aid that day. Without it, I am not sure I would be here.”<br/>	Cullen sighs, his face twisted with pain and anger. “The Order was corrupt long before the Circles fell. I only wish I had seen it sooner. A lot of innocent people suffered on both sides.”<br/>	I squeeze his hand in mine. “There was little either of us could have done. And when the time came for us to step up, we did. As painful as all of this was, I would not trade it. I set my people free and I will help them rebuild. We deserve that chance. I know you do not agree with some of my ideas; you say as much in our meetings. But the way things were cannot be allowed to be repeated.”<br/>	He sighs. “I agree. But-”<br/>	“I know,” I say, cupping his cheek in my hand. “The templars are important as well. It pains me to see how far they have fallen. Many of those men did not deserve such a fate.”<br/>	Cullen smiles softly over at me. “You are far wiser than I was at your age.”<br/>	I laugh. “I promise you; I am not as wise as I pretend to be. I just…I have seen both sides. I wish more people could understand the difference between blame and accountability. Abuse of power corrupts every corner of Thedas. And in the case of the templars and mages, it ran rampant on both sides. My own mentor lied to me. She kept so much from me for fear that I might defy her. She used me and she paid for her betrayal with her life. She did not deserve to die, but she used her students and so bred only distrust. I did not see it then, but as I reflect, I can note all of the smaller things. Piecing it together now, I can see the web of lies she wove alongside the Knight-Commander.”<br/>	“A common theme amongst Knight-Commanders, it would seem,” Cullen says, his thoughts far away. I wonder what it is that he is thinking about. What it could be that he is remembering from his own past. From what he and Varric have told me of Kirkwall and the rebellion, he must be thinking about his former Knight-Commander. The one Varric said was corrupted by red lyrium.<br/>	“Cullen?” His eyes meet mine. “Do you trust me?”<br/>	“Of course. I told you as much the night of the ball.”<br/>	I smile warmly, the memories of that night heating my body. “I am glad. After everything I just told you, I thought perhaps your opinion of me might change.”<br/>	Cullen wraps his arms around me, his face closing in on mine. “Not at all. I fear that there is very little that could change my opinions of you.”<br/>	A shiver runs down my spine at the intensity within his eyes. “And what are those opinions?”<br/>	He chuckles softly. “That you are brave, talented, kind…beautiful.” He kisses me then, complimenting me further between them. “Extraordinary…generous…breathtaking.”<br/>	I melt into him, absorbing his kisses and his passion. I ache for him, even with my arms around him and his body close. Nothing ever feels like enough. <br/>	Before I know it, I am on my back on the bed, pressed down by his body. I gasp for air when possible, marvelling at the taste and scent of him. All of my fears wash away from me, leaving me with only my need. When his mouth begins to trail down my jaw, to my neck, my moans flow freely from me. The sound ignites something in Cullen as he presses closer to me still. <br/>	“Cullen…” His name is a sigh on my lips as I shudder under his kisses.<br/>	He moans, his teeth nicking at my skin. “Sweet Maker, I love how that sounds.”<br/>	I bite my lip, my smile tugging at my teeth. If only he knew how wonderful it felt to say.<br/>	“I…want…you,” he gasps as his kisses move upward towards my mouth.<br/>	My fingers entangle themselves in his hair, marvelling at the texture of it. I have dreamed of touching him so freely. It is incredible. And I want more.<br/>	Cullen’s lips meet mine again, but it is then that the kisses begin to slow. The rage from moments ago begins to dwindle and he pulls away reluctantly.<br/>	“I’m sorry,” he says, his eyes averted. “I can’t. Not now.”<br/>	I cannot hide my disappointment, but I do not press him for a reason. I want him more than anything, yet there is also a part of me that is not ready either.<br/>	My hands hold his face gently, drawing his eyes to mine. I smile up at him. “I can wait.”<br/>	He chuckles softly, fingers stroking my cheek. “I truly do not deserve you.”</p>
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<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Closer, Yet So Far Away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Preparations for Orlais and the Western Approach are endless. Rylen agrees to lead the troops who will accompany me, but I can sense the reluctance to leave Lanathari when we meet to discuss the expedition.<br/>
“I hope you aren’t upset with me,” I say as he sits across my desk from me.<br/>
Rylen glances up from the report he is assessing for me. “Why would I be upset with you?”<br/>
I sigh. “For taking you away from Lana.”<br/>
He laughs softly. “We both have our duties to the Inquisition. She understands that this is mine, as I understand that hers is here. I promise a little time and distance won’t do us any harm.”<br/>
I want to be reassured by those words, but the guilt remains.<br/>
“Besides, you and Cullen face this at every turn. If you two can do it, so can we. At least this time you’ll have me for company.” He winks playfully.<br/>
I laugh. “I suppose you’re right.”<br/>
“Of course I am.”<br/>
Lanathari tells me the exact same thing when I speak with her about it that evening. She is glad that Rylen and I will have each other during our time away and will be able to watch each other’s backs. Hearing the same from her finally puts my guilt to rest.<br/>
A week passes with ease, my time consumed with planning and preparing. Our daily meetings in the war room are filled with more and more reports from Orlais and the desperation for aid in several key locations. With forward camps calling for assistance, it is decided that I should depart as soon as possible. We schedule it for in three days’ time.<br/>
Rylen assembles a group of two dozen men that he promises are the best of his forces. Cullen oversees their final training and outfitting, reports of such brought to my desk in person.<br/>
“I have no doubt that these men will ensure your success,” he says as I read over the list of names. “There are ex-templars, soldiers, mercenaries. The best that the Inquisition has to offer.”<br/>
I raise an eyebrow. “Mercenaries?”<br/>
Cullen nods. “When I refused the Iron Bull’s request to send his Chargers, we compromised on sending a few of his men instead. Ones that I can at least find a slither of history on.”<br/>
“Do you not trust Bull?”<br/>
“I do. But his men are vital to our efforts. They are required elsewhere.”<br/>
I nod. “I agree. You have done well, Cullen. I am relieved to have the backing of so many capable soldiers. I shall rest easier.”<br/>
Cullen sighs. “As will I.” His eyes meet mine. “I know it is silly, but I worry about you constantly. While you are gone…I near madness. To think I will not see you again for months…” He groans, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “I may actually go insane.”<br/>
“Cullen…”<br/>
“No,” he says through another sigh. “I apologize. I do not mean to burden you like this. You have your own worries. You should not have to concern yourself with me.”<br/>
I round my desk and take his hands in mine. “But you are my concern. I am sorry that I must leave. Maker knows I wish I could stay.”<br/>
Cullen’s smile is weak and full of pain. “I know.”<br/>
“I promise to write. Every single day if you wish it.”<br/>
He chuckles. “Twice a day would be nice.”<br/>
I laugh. “We shall see. I will need some time in my day to actually work.”<br/>
His smile falters and he pulls me into his chest. “I wish I could go with you.”<br/>
Closing my eyes, I imprint this sensation in my mind. The mix of coolness from his chest plate and the softness of his cape. The comfort of his arms around me and the rhythm of his breathing. I will miss every single piece of him.<br/>
“I could just drink you both up.”<br/>
We turn abruptly to see Dorian at the top of my stairs, Varric, Bull and Sera on his heels.<br/>
“Get it, Boss,” Bull says with a wide smile.<br/>
“Don’t mind us. We like the steamy bits.” Sera giggles and wriggles her eyebrows playfully.<br/>
Cullen sighs. “I should go.”<br/>
My heart sinks to my feet. I completely forgot that I promised my companions a night of drinks in my chamber.<br/>
“Why don’t you stay, Curly?” Varric suggests as they make themselves at home on my sofas. “We could always use another player.”<br/>
“No, thank you, Varric.”<br/>
I glance up at Cullen. “Would you stay?”<br/>
My request takes him by surprise, and he glances between my friends and me several times.<br/>
“I, uh, I should really finish off my reports…”<br/>
Varric chuckles. “Take a seat, Commander. Those reports will still be there in the morning.”<br/>
Cullen sighs, but does not seem willing to argue further. “That is what I am worried about.”<br/>
“All work and no play makes Curly a dull boy,” Varric quotes as he shuffles his cards. “Relax for one night, Curly. In three days, you’ll be free of us.”<br/>
Cullen’s hand finds mine, his fingers lacing through mine. I can see in his eyes the pain that Varric’s words have triggered, but I offer him a bright smile and kiss him on the cheek. He blushes wildly.<br/>
“Get a room, you two,” Dorian says with a cheeky smile.<br/>
I raise an eyebrow as I pull Cullen to sit with the rest of them. “I do believe I have one, but tonight there appears to be a particularly nasty infestation of sarcastic companions.”<br/>
Dorian leans towards me as though meaning to speak to me only, but his voice remains loud enough for all to hear. “You are most welcome to my room. Do mind the broken headboard. Someone was a little too enthusiastic the other night.” He glowers over at Bull.<br/>
“You love it, Vint.”<br/>
“Maker’s tears, are we really talking about this?” Cullen’s cheeks are bright red, and he shifts awkwardly beside me.<br/>
“There a no secrets between friends, Commander,” Dorian says, his smile turning wicked.<br/>
Cullen’s eyes dart to me. “What does he mean?”<br/>
I almost spit my drink across the room. “Dorian! Say another word and I will tell Yvette it was you who threw her eyeliner in the bin.”<br/>
Dorian snorts. “Oh please, I already told her. Should have seen the pure hate in her eyes. It was intoxicating. And I would do it all again. The one I gave you is worth as much as a bottle of fine wine. And now look at you! It was totally worth it. My dear, sweet, radiant Inquisitor Trevelyan.”<br/>
I sigh. “So that is why she mumbles a curse every time someone mentions your name.”<br/>
Dorian chuckles. “Then that must be why I keep losing my socks. Here I thought the powers that be were finally smiting me for my dashing good looks. Good to know.”<br/>
Beside me Cullen chuckles softly. “Is this what I miss when I say no to these things?”<br/>
“Trust me, Curly,” Varric says with a smirk. “This is nothing. Wait until the whiskey kicks in.”<br/>
Cullen chuckles again, leaning forward to take his own drink. “Now I am curious.”</p><p>The following morning, I awaken to Sera passed out on a sofa and a mess that I am certain will have Yvette in a rage when she sees it.<br/>
I paced my drinks, yet I still have a headache that makes me groan. I beg my body to let me sleep a while longer, but with only two days left until I am to leave, I know I have no choice but to begin my day.<br/>
I rush around the room, clearing up the overturned furniture and empty bottles and glasses. I have the room mostly in order by the time Yvette arrives. She clearly was expecting mayhem.<br/>
“You didn’t have to do that, my lady.”<br/>
I shrug, taking my morning mail from her with a yawn. “It was my mess.”<br/>
“I am just glad you have a good time.” She glances at Sera who is snoring loudly. “Does she always fall asleep where she drinks?”<br/>
I laugh. “I’m afraid so.”<br/>
My morning is filled with paperwork as is the new normal these days. Sera stumbled from my chamber soon after Lanathari wafted some foul-smelling poultice under her nose that had her gagging and swearing as she made for the stairs.<br/>
I run through duties with Lanathari, preparing her to take my place when I depart. I can see she is less eager for this expedition and when I ask her about it, she just smiles and promises she will be fine.<br/>
The day is going smoothly until a particularly weary looking guardsman approaches me with a summons from Cullen, requesting I meet him in his office.<br/>
“Is something the matter?” I ask the guard as he leads the way through Skyhold.<br/>
“The Commander is…in a mood. I dare not say more, Inquisitor.”<br/>
My heart sinks. That can only mean one thing. I pray that last night did not trigger something. It does not make sense to me. We spent the evening laughing and enjoying ourselves. There had been no hint to suggest his withdrawals might worsen.<br/>
The guardsman leaves me at Cullen’s door, clearly unwilling to face his Commander in the state that he must be in. I let out a long breath, preparing myself for what I am about to face. I do not fear Cullen, merely fear for him. Seeing him in pain is almost intolerable.<br/>
“Cullen?” I step into his office. I find Cullen at his desk, leaning over some papers, a deep-set frown on his brow.<br/>
“My men have completed their interrogations of the lyrium smugglers.” He sighs, eyes meeting mine only briefly.<br/>
“The lyrium smugglers? You mean the ones linked to Samson?” I recall him having mentioned something about this before I left for Crestwood.<br/>
He nods. “They gave up the Red Templar’s main source of Red Lyrium. It is located in the Dales. Near a town called Sahrnia.”<br/>
I step towards his desk. “That is fantastic news. Now that we know where it is, we can destroy it. Cut them off from their main supply.”<br/>
Cullen’s frown deepens. “Yes, well, you are correct.”<br/>
I eye him a moment. “Is something wrong? I thought you would be pleased by this. I am to travel through the area. I can see it shut down personally.”<br/>
Cullen’s hand balls into a fist on his desk. “And that is what concerns me. A mine filled with Red Lyrium and Maker knows what guarding it? You can’t be serious. Venatori, rogue Wardens, and everything else in between. Andraste preserve me, but this is driving me mad.”<br/>
“Cullen…”<br/>
He growls and pushes away from his desk abruptly, shaking it with the force. “It is endless. The headaches, the nightmares, the fear. And now I have to watch you ride out that gate yet again, ready to face these things.” He runs a hand down his face. “I am sorry that I am not stronger, Astri. You deserve better than this.”<br/>
I wrap my arms around him when I reach him, burying my face into his cape and back. “Are you taking the potion as I instructed? What about the poultice for your headaches?”<br/>
Cullen’s body relaxes slowly in my arms, his frustration and fears draining from him slightly with a long sigh. “I am. They…help. But only a little.”<br/>
“Then I will speak with Adan again. There must be something-”<br/>
“Don’t.” He turns to me then, his hands taking hold of my face. “You’re supposed to be looking after yourself. I am supposed to be looking after you.”<br/>
“You are by looking after yourself. How can you expect me to leave you when you are suffering like this? I have to do something, or I will go mad with worry.”<br/>
His eyes keep mine for a short while as he thinks on what I have said. “I am only a burden to you.”<br/>
I shake my head. “No, enough. Stop that. You cannot seriously think so little of yourself to say such things.”<br/>
Cullen’s jaw clenches and he steps away from me. “I…don’t. I just…” He groans, his hands covering his face. “I am not myself, Astri. You have found me at my worst, and I cannot seem to regain control. I am exhausted. Maker, I am so exhausted.”<br/>
I fight back my tears, my guilt and heartache consuming me and twisting my stomach into horrific knots. “Then perhaps this time apart is what you need. Focus on yourself. I am not sure that what troubles you can be mended from the outside.”<br/>
There is incredible pain in his eyes then. “What are you talking about?”<br/>
I go to him, taking his face in my hands, tears beginning to spill. “I will come back to you. I will write to you every day, twice a day if I can. I will think about you every second that I am gone and pray to return to your arms.” I kiss him then, but when his mouth responds, I pull away, not willing to let myself be caught in the moment.<br/>
Leaving his office is easily one of the hardest things I have done, and the sudden flashbacks to when I turned away from him in the Haven chantry only worsen the splitting ache within my chest. I bury myself in my bed and cry until I have no tears left. This is not how I wanted to leave. This is not what I need right now with everything that is troubling my mind. But perhaps this is what he needs. Time and space. To heal, to grow.<br/>
I pray to the Maker that I am correct in this. Otherwise, I fear what I may find when I do return.</p><p>The days pass as a blur and before I know it I am packing my saddlebag and walking the length of Skyhold to the gate to meet my companions and retrieve my horse. As I fasten the saddlebag into place, my eyes glance upwards at Cullen’s office, wishing I could burst into it and beg him to forgive me. But I have made my bed, I tell myself for the thousandth time. I must lie in it.<br/>
I close my eyes tightly, imagining him wrapping his arms around me, kissing my hair, and wishing me a safe journey. But when I open them again, reality is only harsher. There is no Cullen in sight, no well wishes, hugs, or kisses. I suppose I do not deserve them.<br/>
Climbing into my saddle, a single tear falls down my cheek. I wipe it away with a gloved hand, begging my heart to grow stronger from this.<br/>
As we ride below the portcullis and onto the outer bridge, my heart sinks lower than ever before. In true poetic form, it is as though I am leaving it here in Skyhold.<br/>
Nearing the end of the bridge, something within me tells me to turn back. Glancing over my shoulder I can see the faintest glow of armour and the outline of a fur cape atop the battlements, shining dimly in the early morning light. Hope rises within me only for a moment. I pray that he can forgive me. I pray that he can heal.<br/>
Maker, please, help him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I just wanted to say sorry I am not uploading regularly but I have been super busy and also have been working on my own original stories. If you want to get updates on when I upload and on what I am working on, then follow me on my Dragon Age twitter account @theladygriffy<br/>I am still setting it up but plan to use it to notify on uploads and to interact with the DA community. And feel free to let me know your thoughts on my fics either here in the comments or over on twitter. I love feedback. I also love to just chat about DA in general. Have a lovely day/night wherever you are. Thanks for reading!</p>
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